Post Your Favorite Joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Two guys are hiking in the woods. Unfortunately, one of them trips over a log and bangs his head really hard on the ground. He isn’t moving and as far as his friend can tell, he appears to be dead. Hid friend quickly calls 911.

911: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Hiker: My friend and I were hiking and he trip and banged his head and I think he’s dead!
911: Please try to stay calm, sir. The first thing we need to do is be sure he is dead.

There is a pause and then three loud bangs can be heard by the 911 operator.

Hiker comes back on the line: Okay, now what?

62

A doctor joke that only my cousin-in-law the pulmonologist found funny.

A family practitioner, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist go duck hunting. The family practice doctor goes first.

A duck flies over. The family practitioner stands up, closes his eyes, and empties his shotgun into the air, than looks around to see if he hit anything.

The internist says, “That’s not how you hunt ducks.” The next duck flies over, the internist stands up and says, “Let’s see - rule out ostrich, rule out pterodactyl, rule out flying saucer…” By that time, the duck is long gone.

The surgeon says, “That’s not how you hunt ducks. This is how you hunt ducks.” The next duck flies over, the surgeon stands up, whips out a bazooka, and blasts the duck into a million pieces. Bits go flying everywhere. The surgeon leans over, picks a piece of feather out of the water, tosses it to the pathologist, and says,

“See if that’s a duck.”

Regards,
Shodan

63

What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells awful?

Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

64

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole)
were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and
said, "Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian.
He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re
finished’. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian
lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the
coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up
in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top
of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get
out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

Ole answered, “Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in
dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin’ to lose so wid my
last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just
as hard as I could.”

So the trainer exclaimed, “That’s what finished him off!”

“Vel not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!”

65

A guy calls himself Dung Beetle, and I click to read his favorite joke. Whats wrong with me?

66

Ah, you’re okay. For one thing, I’m a lady dung beetle, and for another, that’s not my favorite joke. Just the latest one I’ve heard. :slight_smile:

67

This one was said by Arnold Schwarzenegger in a speech just before or just after he first become govenor.

"My son gave me a pumpkin for Halloween but I had to give it back because it was a Democratic pumpkin.

It was big and round and orange like Ted Kennedy’s head.

68

Just as jokes are created around dumb blondes, Poles etc in the west, it is the ‘Sikh’ or ‘sardarji’ as he is better known, that is the main character of many jokes in India. Though no offence is meant, my apologies to any Sikhs on the board.

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one had done any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in front of him. He decided instantly to do research on the roach. He picked the roach, put it in the center of the table and said: “Run”. The roach ran. He caught the roach, pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the center of the table and said: “Run”. The roach ran.
He pulled out one more leg of the roach, put it again in the center of the table and said: “Run”. The roach ran. This continued and the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the center of the table and said: “Run”. The roach could not!
Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: “When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore”.

69

The teacher has been teaching a unit on fables - stories with morals. They’ve gone over Aesop’s fables and all that jazz. One day she challenges the class; “Can anyone tell a story about thenselves or a member of their family that has a moral?”

Little Susie raises her hand and tells a story. “My family raises chickens. One day we put all the eggs in a big basket to take to market, and we put it in the back of the truck. But on the way there the truck hit a bump and the basket fell over and some of the eggs broke. So the moral is, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good!” says the teacher. “Anyone else?” And little Cindy raises her hand.

“My family has a chicken farm too,” says Cindy, “and we had twenty eggs in the incubator to be hatched as chicks. But only eight hatched, and twelve never did. So the moral is, don’t count your chickens until they hatch.”

“Very good!” says the teacher, pleased. “Anyone else?”

Little Billy raises his hand. “Yes, Billy?” says the teacher.

Billy says, “My Uncle Edward was a fighter pilot in the Vietnam War. One way he was in his F-4 over Haiphong when it was hit by a Vietnamese missile, and he had to bail out. So he was floating down with his parachute, and he only had three things with him - a machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer. And he drank the whole case of beer before he landed. Then, when he landed, he landed right in the middle of a hundred North Vietnamese soldiers. So he took out his machine gun and he shot sixty of 'em fulla holes! But he ran out of bulles, so he took his machete and he hacked thirty more to peices! But then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!”

The classroom is utterly silent. The kids’ eyes are as wide as dinner plates.

The teacher says, “Oh my God… that’s a horrible story. What could the moral of THAT possibly be?”

Says Billy, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s drunk!”

70

Why did the jelly roll?

Because it saw the apple turnover!!

71

An airliner crashes into a remote region of the amazon rain forest. The only survivors are 1. a Fa-LAAAM-ing gay man, 2. an ordinary, run of the mill guy and 3. a southern redneck. While trying to make it back to civilization, they stumble upon a lost tribe that are unknown to the outside world.

The chieftan of the tribe approaches them and says “Hello.”

“You speak English?” the crash survivors all say in unison.

“Yes, although our tribe is unknown to the outside world, every so often an outsider does stumble upon our village. We have learned your language and know a little something about your culture. Our tribal elders have agreed that we want nothing to do with the outside world and want to keep our existence a secret. And so, I hereby inform you that you must either be initiated into our tribe and live here, or be put to death. The choice is yours.”

“Um…how do you get initiated into the tribe?” one of the survivors hestitantly inquires.

“You must undergo the rite of Oomba!” declares the chieftan.

“What’s ‘Oomba’?” asks another crash survivor.

The chieftan points across the village clearing to a large mud hut. Sitting on a stool in front of the mud hut is an enormous naked man whose (limp) dick looks nearly as long as an elephant trunk. “That man there will take you into his hut and perform sodomy on you for many hours.”

The gay guy nearly faints from joy. “Sign me up! Hell I never want to leave now!” He screams.

“As you wish - Oomba for you!” One of the attendants to the Chieftan leads the gay guy away to be initiated into the tribe.

The run of the mill, ordinary guy mulls it over. “Welllll, it really isn’t my thing, but…I’d rather do that than get killed, so I’ll join the tribe.”

“As you wish - Oomba for you!” Another attendant leads him away to be initiated into the tribe.

The southern redneck is left. He is near boiling over with rage & anxiety, and shakes his head furiously. “No. Way. In. Hell! I could not live with myself knowing I’d been buggered. I would rather DIE than have a guy touch me. I. will. not. join. your. HOMO. TRIBE.” He spits out.

And the chieftan looked at him sadly, shook his head and proclaimed…

“As you wish - death by Oomba!”

72

Why do men snore at night?

Because when they sleep, their balls fall over their assholes and they vaporlock!

73

This is one I just heard:
What are the sexiest animals in the barnyard?

A brown chick, a brown cow.

74

I play bass saxophone. It’s the obese bachelor uncle of the saxes: thick-voiced, blundering, flatulent, slow to respond, and often covered in spit. In that spirit, a few bass sax jokes.

Q. What time did the bass saxophonist get up in the morning?

About half a beat behind the alarm clock.

Q. What’s the difference between a bass saxophone and a garbage truck?

One is a big, noisy, smelly, rattling, scum-encrusted hulk. The other is a motorized vehicle used for trash collection.

Q. What’s the difference between a bass saxophone and a slot machine?

If you play a slot machine long enough, you may actually make money.

75

I remember thinking this joke was mildly amusing when I was a kid, but was surprised to see versions of it posted twice on this page.

Here’s a couple more quick ones:

Doctor to old man: I’m afraid you have cancer and Altzheimer’s.
Old man: Thank God that at least I don’t have cancer!

Two flies were on a toilet seat and one left. Why?
It got pissed off.

76

A little old lady goes to the doctor’s office for a checkup. During the checkup, she mentions to the doctor a gas problem she is having.

She says “Doctor, I notice that every few minutes, I let out a little gas. It doesn’t make a sound, and doesn’t smell, so it is just more of an annoyance, but is there anything you can do for me? In fact, just during this appointment, I must have passed gas ten times, and you just never noticed it. It has been going on for about a year, and it would be nice to get it taken care of.”

So the doctor gives her some medicine, and she goes on her way. A week later, she comes back and tells him “Doctor, I still have my gas problem, but now they smell AWFUL. What happened?”

The doctor tells her “Good, we fixed your sense of smell, now we have to work on your hearing.”

77

I was just thinking about the joke above today for the first time in a while. Funny coincidence.

78

A man is walking on the beach when he stumbles upon a lamp that has been washed ashore. He rubs it and a genie pops out. “You have freed me, so you get one wish,” said the Genie.

The man thinks and says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but am to scared of dying in a plane crash or a shipwreck. So, I’d like you to build a bridge to Honolulu so I can drive my car to see our 50th state.”

“Are you kidding?” replies the Genie. “Do you realize what you want?? I mean, 2500 miles of open ocean, averaging one mile deep. There isn’t enough concrete in the world for even 1% of the pilings you need! And rogue waves would wash over the top, and typhoons! I’d also have to build 15 or so gas stations so you don’t run out of fuel, which only adds to the infrastructure build out necessary! Plus, the environmental impact studies would take decades alone. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wish for something else.”

The man ponders for a bit, then says: “Well, I’ve been single for a long time, and I’d like to get married before it’s too late. Can you give me the ability to understand what a woman is thinking?”

The genie looks at him and says, “You want that bridge to be 2 or 4 lanes?”

79

Two atoms collide while walking down the street. The first atom gets up, dusts himself off, then helps the other atom to his feet and asks him, “Are you OK?”
The second atom responds, “No. I think I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m positive!”

80

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.