Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just the two. Don’t ask me how they get in there, though.
How do you make a portagee* go crazy?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
*i’m portuguese, so i’m goofing on myself, no one can take offense. in hawaii where i grew up, they were all portagee jokes. :dubious:
It’s election time in South Africa. An Afrikaner politician has a tough constituency - it’s wall to wall Zulus, and his White predecessor didn’t poll one single vote last time out. But he braces himself to do his best and he goes out into the country to address an assembly.
When he gets there he sees about enough Zulus to re-enact Rorke’s Drift on the spot, and they’re all outfitted in warrior gear with the shields and spears. But this, he figures, is a gesture of respect, and he takes up his stance on the podium and clicks the mic on.
“Gentlemen…” he begins.
“M’bala! M’bala!” chant the crowd, beating the butts of their spears on the ground.
“I speak to you today as a brother - not a would-be ruler, but a friend and a servant.”
“M’bala! M’bala!”
“My party have learned from the mistakes of the past and seek to make amends for the evils of apartheid.”
“M’bala! M’bala!”
“We seek a future in which there will be equal education for all, equal employment for all, equal social opportunities for all, equal respect for all.”
“M’bala! M’bala!”
“We seek a future in which our Rainbow Nation will be a shining beacon to the world, a living example of how the black man and the white man can live together in peace and harmony.”
“M’bala! M’bala!”
“And our country will never again know tyranny, oppression or injustice based on the colour of a man’s skin!”, finishes the Afrikaner.
“M’bala! M’bala!” chants the crowd, over and over again, and it is some time before they quieten down.
Pleased with the success of his speech, the candidate turns to the tribal chief. “Thank you very much for organising this. By the way, I noticed you have some splendid cattle out here. My family’s been in cattle for a long time - do you suppose I could look them over?”
“Certainly, bwana,” says the chief politely. “Just watch your step and don’t get those shoes covered in m’bala.” 
Q: What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?
A: I can’t peanut butter my dick in your ass…
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”
“Well,” said the director, " we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor, " A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or teacup."
“No,” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window?”
Another musician joke:
What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
Do you know the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play bass sax … but doesn’t.
(Insert whatever instrument you like, of course. I believe I originally heard it with a banjo.)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes.” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson Ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”