GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!

[Fenris]

GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!

So it's 6:37 on a Sunday morning. I'm up because my new cat and I haven't come to an agreement about where he's gonna sleep: Shadow wants to sleep ON my face. I want him to sleep anywhere else. Especially since he kneeds his paws in his sleep. Ow.

Anyway, I stumble to the computer and check my e-mail. And what do I see?

GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!!!!

All caps and too many exclamation points. This will, most likely, not be good.

I try to consider any way this could be legit. I think "Is this in regards to the query about absinthe that I posted a few weeks back? A witty reference to the "Candy is dandy/but liquor is quicker" thing?" Alas. No. It's spam. I read it anyway.

It begins:
It's HOT, It's a Solution, and It's Guaranteed!
"How are they gonna ship it if it's hot? In a thermos? and well, DUH. If it's in a bottle it's pretty obvious it's a solution, not a solid.
And on that last one, "Guaranteed", oh no. I've been doing tech support for far too long. You didn't say "Guaranteed" to do anything. So if it doesn't do whatever you haven't promised you can say "Oh, it's guaranteed to be wet." and I get nothing!

Men and Women of all ages now have the Ultimate Solution!
To what? What are you talking about? The Ultimate Solution to LIFE, THE UNIVERSE and EVERYTHING? TO World Hunger? Be specific!

The #1 BEST SELLING 100% ALL NATURAL APHRODISIAC IN AMERICA!
Ah. Now it becomes clear.
Several points. Point the first:
Arsenic is ALL NATURAL. Cyanide is ALL NATURAL. My poop is ALL NATUR...well, maybe not my poop. But you get my point.

Point the second:
#1 BEST SELLING? As opposed to, what? The #7 best selling? Department of redundancy department.

Point the third:
Document it.



Do you want to improve your Sex Life?
Well, sure! Who doesn....
<macho voice>
Consarn it! Yuh cain't improve on perfection! If Ah wuz any better in bed, Ah'd have uh Kama-Sutra position named after me!
</macho voice> (anyone ever notice how much Fenris's <macho voice> sounds exactly like Yosemite Sam?)

Our product is an all Natural Herbal formula that is guaranteed to
increase your sexual performance!
Why does this sound like a shampoo commercial? (except for the "sexual performance" part?

ALL NEW LATHERIFIC shampoo! An all Natural Herbal formula 'specially designed to make your follicles get niiiice and haaaaaaard!

Again, it's all natural so your body doesn't get harmful side effects.
Again, like arsenic, curare, or cyanide?

You'll be "in the mood" more often and enjoy sex anywhere, anytime, and to the fullest extent.
How can I be "in the mood" more often? I'm a guy fer cryin' out loud! You can't get more often than 100 freakin' percent of the time. I have exactly 3 neurons that I use for breathing, eating and deficating. The rest is devoted to sex.

Our product can really put the spark right back in your relationship!
<sob> One must have a relationship, for a spark to be put back into it. <sob> Thanks for bringing up the anguish that is my life, dicknut.

To learn more and to take advantage of our special offer visit our link below!
So I went. And I'm hit with a message that said "I've had fantastic sex but this stuff made me feel like I had rockets shooting out everywhere...rockets!!!" and I'm thinking "I've had that feeling too, but only after the unfortunate accident with on the Fourth of July.

I read down further and find out that it can cure my PMS and Menopause as well as give me NATURALLY TRIGGEREd ERECTIONS (as opposed to, what? Radio controlled ones?)

Anyway, I'm not bothered by my PMS or Menopause, and if I think about sex more, I'll probably die from lack of breathing. So, thanks, but no thanks!

Fenris

[Arden Ranger]

GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!!!!

I predict this is gonna replace "Jesus H. Christ on a po-go stick!!!"

[Eutychus]

I had great sex in a bottle once.

Had a hell of a time getting my penis back out though.

_{Oh, yeah, like you didn't know someone was going to come up with that!}

[Soul Brother Number Two]

euty, dont you mean great sex WITH a bottle? (insert smirky-face emoticon here)

as soon as jarbabyj releases her new product, liquid fuck (comes in six great flavors, my favorite is ivanka trump), there will be great sex in a bottle.

i can only hope.

[beagledave]

Originally posted by Eutychus55
I had great sex in a bottle once.

Had a hell of a time getting my penis back out though.

next time...try using something other than an airline liquor bottle...

[Tranquilis]

It's HOT, It's a Solution, and It's Guaranteed!
"How are they gonna ship it if it's hot? In a thermos?

Nononono..!

It's not "hot", temperature-wise. It's HOT. Stolen. Probably off the back of truck in a toxic waste depot. It's turning their skin black, because it's also HOT. Radioactive! That's why it's so darned effective! It puts a nuclear blast in every orgasm! It gives you that tingly, just-been-irradiated feel, for a great after-sex glow!

[xcheopis]

Ya know, that sounds like a great tag line for a sidekick:

"Great sex in a bottle, Viagra-Man! They're pouring Hot Liquid Fuck^TM into the water supply!"

[saepiroth]

essvee, you are WAY behind. they've gone far beyond mere "liquid fuck" now!
the new standard is "fuck gas" (it fills the volume!) and "plasmatic fuck" (now with free-associating ions!).

in fact, the cutting edge stuff is now "fuck strangelets" (who knows what the hell they do!) and "exotic matter fuck" (warping reality, one fuck at a time!).

why, there's even stranger stuff being developed now, stuff like "singularity fuck" (it'll DRAW YOU IN!) and "fuck glassite expansive crystal lattice" (it's like ICE, man!).


i mean, really. get with the times!

[Michael Ellis]

Originally posted by xcheopis
Hot Liquid Fuck^TM

Ahem...






















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Wait for it...








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BAND NAME!

[BoBettie]

If I could have sex in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do.
Is to save every fuck 'till eternity passes away,
Just to spend it with you.

Zette

[saepiroth]

damn, zette...
that was touching...
you've got me all headbanging over here...

i think i'm gonna jump in a mosh pit...

<sniffle>

[Cap'n Crude]

I had great sex in a bottle once.

Yeah. Damn, that Barbara Eden sure is a babe, ain't she?

[Odieman]

[b]

I had great sex in a bottle once.

But it turned out I had a heart of glass....

[Sublight]

"this stuff made me feel like I had rockets shooting out everywhere...rockets!!!"

I had that too, once. I had to take a course of penicillin and lay off the all-you-can-eat curry buffets.

[schplebordnik]

I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send and SOS to the world
I hope that someone finds my
I hope that someone finds my
Great Sex in a Bottle
Great Sex in a Bottle

Given that Sting has already sold out for car commercials, and used to claim 8 hour tantric sex sessions, I see a real synergy here....

[Michael Ellis]

Originally posted by Cap'n Crude

Yeah. Damn, that Barbara Eden sure is a babe, ain't she?

Great Cap'n, now I gotta clean the coffee off my keyboard.

[schplebordnik]

On a related note, I heard a radio ad this morning with the following (somewhat paraphrased):
"Did you know that 60% of women are dissatisfied with their man's size."
"Gentlemen, now you know, size DOES matter."
"Product X [can't remember the name] is a topical cream that can add up to 3" to your size."

How's that for playing into insecurities......?

[BoBettie]

No worse then the mens hair ads that say "Will she still love me if I'm bald?"

Talk about unbelievable.

Zette

[BoBettie]

"Just the Way You Are"

Don't go changin'
Your tiny pee-pee.
It's never let me down before...
mmmmmmmmm

I can't imagine
A huge 12 incher.
Trying to get past my poor jaw.

IIiiiii get fine pleasure
From your penis,
It never has gone way too far.
mmmmmmmmm

I just want someone
That I can swallow.
I'll take you just the way you are.

[schplebordnik]

the thread has taken an unexpected turn.
now we need a song for that "spray-on hair" stuff that Ron Popeil uses......

[OpalCat]

new from Ronco! "Spray on Merkins"

[Arden Ranger]

Originally posted by Zette

I just want someone
That I can swallow.
I'll take you just the way you are.

[Lemur866]

The ones I love are:

"We had this poor guy come in, and he hadn't had a date in years. But after our patented hair removal system got rid of that unsightly BACK HAIR he's busy every night!"

I never knew that women were so repulsed by back hair. Especially since most guys I know keep their shirts on when asking women for dates.

[saepiroth]

what? you mean some people don't have their shirts off when they ask people on dates?

more fools they!

[ShibbOleth]

Sex in a Bottle is great!


Just make sure you check the vintage before you buy it.

[Odieman]

This hair is your hair, this hair is my hair
its from ronco, its really nice hair
from a can now, in different shades now
this hair is made for you and me

[Mr. Miskatonic]

Originally posted by Eutychus55
I had great sex in a bottle once.

Liar, that kind of joy only omes in cans.

[kinoons]

Originally posted by Arden Ranger
GREAT SEX IN A BOTTLE !!!!!

I predict this is gonna replace "Jesus H. Christ on a po-go stick!!!"

but I love that screen saver....how can I have great sex in a bottle on my screen at work? and does it go boing boing boing?

[Miller]

Originally posted by schplebordnik
On a related note, I heard a radio ad this morning with the following (somewhat paraphrased):
"Did you know that 60% of women are dissatisfied with their man's size."
"Gentlemen, now you know, size DOES matter."
"Product X [can't remember the name] is a topical cream that can add up to 3" to your size."

How's that for playing into insecurities......?

Three inches? That's not a topical cream, that's a tube of modeling clay.

[LindyHopper]

Originally posted by Zette
No worse then the mens hair ads that say "Will she still love me if I'm bald?"

Talk about unbelievable.

Zette

That ad is HORRIBLE! The whole time I'm thinking, "If she's that shallow, you probably ought to throw her to the curb right now!"

"Will she still feel the same if you're bald?"

"Sure she will. She'll just feel it about someone else."

Bleah.

[anya marie]

from an e-mail
Internet Investigator™
Find Out Anything about Anyone Online
The No.1 Software Program for Online Investigations

Is this even legal? who has that little to do with their life, that they just get this program and investigate random people? Say it with me now, "Completely bugshit psycho LOSER!" See also: cyberstalker, peeping Tom, and restrainig order.

more from the same e-mail
With Internet Investigator™ You Can Investigate: People, Credit Records, Social Security Numbers, Employment
Records, School Records, Criminal Records, Driving Records,
Addresses, Phone Numbers, Hidden Assets, Family Trees and a whole lot more!

I cannot wrap my brain around the concept of wanting to find out so much at any one time. I know that there are legitimate needs for this sort of information but, to just have? For no reason at all?? This sort of thing makes baby Jesus cry.

[Gozu Tashoya]

"You should see what she can do with seven milk bottles and a tuning fork!"

[Gyrate]

Originally posted by Mr. Miskatonic

Liar, that kind of joy only comes in cans.

Come in cans? What is this, a new soft drink?

"Try new Jizm^tm -- the soda with spunk!"

[Kricket]

Originally posted by Odieman
This hair is your hair, this hair is my hair
its from ronco, its really nice hair
from a can now, in different shades now
this hair is made for you and me

Now that's just bad! Inventive? Yes.
And what song do you think is going to be stuck in my head tonight at work? This is bad! I have a 12 hour shift comming up from 3pm to 3am and this is what I have to look forward to?
Oh yes my friend, you will pay for this.


Zette when I first saw that commercial I thought what a shallow bitch. And I laughed. It's sad really.
If she is that upset over hair loss gods forbid he get in a disfiguring accident!

[Ethilrist]

Originally posted by ShibbOleth
Sex in a Bottle is great!


Just make sure you check the vintage before you buy it.

No, that's okay! It just says, "Best before 1987."

[slortar]

Is this similar to Zebra's sex pheromones?

[Chez Guevara]

Well, this proposition interests me more than somewhat, and I insert the item into a party who is called Google, and Google comes up with several statistics, and he says to me as follows:


'Why, there are 142 cites for Great Sex In A Bottle, if that is what you wish, and who can say this is wrong.

Also, if you do not wish your sex to be great, in the matter of bottles anyway, I have 1090 items of Sex In A Bottle, which by no means promise greatness, or at least the greatness does not feature on the label.

Furthermore, in the matter of Super Sex In A Bottle, I make the total 43 sources, and I am wondering why super is considered greater than great, by a factor of 3, or maybe more.

I am such a guy who is a search engine, and I am just around, and various parties wish my opinion on this, and that, and I am happy to give my opinion, for what that is worth.

Now, many of these citizens are fond of requesting details of orgasms, and how these orgasms are obtained, and one thing and another, and it is a surprise to me how little these citizens know of orgasms, for they are a source of no little curiosity around these parts.

So I put Orgasm In A Bottle into myself, and I come up with 273, and I compare this number with Great Sex In A Bottle, which is 142, and I am surprised to see that it is possible to obtain such orgasms without having sex, even with a bottle.

Well, since I am alone around here, and doing not much at this time, I check on Masturbation In A Bottle, and I observe 24 references to this much underrated activity, and if you will excuse me, I am going offline for a spell, as I am busy with a spot of research, and this research is of a most private nature, so no peeping, if you do not mind.'

[Ike Witt]

Originally posted by schplebordnik
"Did you know that 60% of women are dissatisfied with their man's size."
"Gentlemen, now you know, size DOES matter."
"Product X [can't remember the name] is a topical cream that can add up to 3" to your size."

Cool. I wonder what I would look like if I was 6'6".

[wring]

OK. Some one's got some 'splainin to do.


I have 2 emails - one upon which I get absolutely every single piece of spam immaginable. The other rarely gets it.

I just got this bulk mailing of 'Sex in a Bottle' on my 'rarely get spam' address. Note please:

1. This thread.

2. The OP is Fenris

3. And just whom do you think has this email addy, Hmmmmmm?????


:: annoyed tapping foot ::










(no, I don't really believe that you had anything to do with it. but if you DO have an explanation, we'd be happy to hear it Fen-cy )

[ladyfoxfyre]

Thank you to xcheopis for my new sig line,

"Great sex in a bottle, Viagra-Man! They're pouring Hot Liquid FuckTM into the water supply!"

[Persephone]

[quote]--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Eutychus55
I had great sex in a bottle once.

Had a hell of a time getting my penis back out though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


next time...try using something other than an airline liquor bottle...


An airline liquor bottle? I thought he got it stuck because it was huge. All the male moderators have huge penises, don't they? Isn't that in the job specs or something?

_{that's what they keep saying, anyway...}

[betenoir]

[quote]Originally posted by jr8

"Try new Jizm^tm -- the soda with spunk!"

Try it? Well, ok. I'll put it in my mouth. But I won't swallow!

[Gyrate]

[quote]Originally posted by betenoir

Originally posted by jr8

Try it? Well, ok. I'll put it in my mouth. But I won't swallow!

Oh, c'moooon.... Just this one time. Please? Do it for me?

[Jekeira]

An ad in my local newspaper:

"Women of the World .......
It's your turn now!!

Are you looking for a Natural way to enhance intimacy and sexual pleasure for you and your partner? Did you know there is a new product designed specifically for you by a well known OB-GYN? This all-natural solution produces Intense positive results with no side effects! Women across the country are loving it and your partner will agree! For more info on how to purchase or become a distributor, call ..."


I like the way they made the vague aphrodisiacal claims more sleazy by combining 'em with an Amway-style marketing scheme.

[11811]

Fenris, it's time to change your signature to:

"I have exactly 3 neurons that I use for breathing, eating and deficating. The rest is devoted to sex. "

[xcheopis]

Ladyfoxfire, oops! I got the Hot Liquid Fuck^TM from Jarbabyj's thread. I thought I had included the link. Sorry about that.

But thanks!