I mean, honestly. I got this e-mail again today. My cock is quite big enough already, thank you. Just ask ****, ****, and **** ;). There is a picture of a beautiful woman with the question: "Think you’re big enough for her?? Ummm,…yes?
The next statement is unqualified: Let us help you get a bigger penis! Us? Is there going to be a team of “experts” working on my penis? Bigger how? Longer? Am I going to be able to clear that last bit of food lodged in her esophegus when having sex? Thicker? Am I going to MAKE HER BLEED? What does this mean? I’m confused, someone help me out.
Finally, it finishes: Click here to add inches to your penis in just days…GUARANTEED Guaranteed how? How many days? You haven’t asked for money, so it’s not like I could get my money back. If my penis shrinks, do I get compensation? Even if it works as stated, do I really want a penis that scares people? “Hi, I’m Dave”…“Aieeeeeeee!” What kind of life is that? I have the feeling that it would lead to me being put in a cage-“Step right up folks, see the amazing PENIS BOY!! That thing has it’s own center of gravity!” What are they trying to sell here, and what kind of self respectless fool would take them up on it? This one is almost as bad as the one that says “MAKE HER CRY WITH YOUR HUGE COCK”. Who wants to make her cry? When I have sex, the best part of it is that she enjoys it, and so do I. We enjoy it together. Are there so many misogynistic men out ther that this is seen as a desirable thing? I hope not, but sometimes I wonder…
I thought this was a thread about me. But then I realized it says “BIG” instead of “HIDEOUSLY FREAKISH”.
Anyway, I love seeing all the Before/After pictures that these types of scams have. The “Before” models are always soft, flabby, and hairy, while the “After” models are always sporting gargantuan (and, in some cases, clearly morphed) erections, have well-toned abs, and not a hint of body hair.
You’d think that they’d get more money offering to make people buffer. But no, it’s just penis, penis, penis…
Dave, you have me wondering. All last week, I was getting mail with the subject “Add REAL Inches To Your Package! Guaranteed!” At the time I naturally thought they were referring to something I would be getting in the mail - which raised, let me tell you, a bunch of questions. (What package? I wasn’t expecting anything. Will this increase the contents, or just the box size? Will it make it so large I’ll have to pay outsize package postage? Are they talking about a mail bomb here? If so, should I report this to the police?)
Now I suspect that by ‘package’ my anonymous correspondents may have meant ‘penis.’ But this is not really helpful. Now I just have more questions:
I don’t happen to have that kind of package. Is this mail threatening to grow me one? Frankly, I’d expect to hear about that kind of medical breakthrough in, at minimum, News of the Weird. Spam seems like the wrong medium for cutting-edge science. (That goes, by the way, for the both the mail and the food product.)
These people are really emphasizing that these are REAL inches. Is there already some method out there to add FAKE inches to the packages of people who have them? (I’m a lesbian, so I could see how I might’ve missed hearing about this, although you’d think it would’ve made a bit of a, um, splash.) What is a fake inch? And is a FAKE inch something different? Does this have anything to do with that movie about Hedwig?
Exactly how many inches are we talking about here? And to what precise location on the aforementioned package? I mean, a really bad case of genital warts might add a couple of inches in total area to a package, but I can’t imagine who would want that. I really think, if they’re offering people such a drastic change in their genital configuration, these retailers should be more specific.
I’m just in awe of you guys who are brave enough to open your spam. I will never be able to join your ranks; obviously, just the subject line confuses me. Kudos to you, Weirddave, and to Fenris and all the others who daily investigate the contents of bulk email. You’re performing a real service.
I get those emails too.
“add 3 inches to your penis!!!”
“Free porn membership 5465489”
“extreme lesbians!!”
“barely legal girls! XXX!”
“Lose 20lbs. in 21 days”
“accepr all Credit Cards! no money down!”
“unsecured credit cards for you”
“NEED CASH??? 56465224”
"30% off any web address .tv; .org:.net; .com!! 30%off!!!
, Hallelujah, for the wonders of the internet!:rolleyes: They must think i am a poor bloke with absolutely no penis, no job, and near death!rolleyes:
My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick’s dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, popcorn now comes in four sizes: small, medium, large, and my dick.
[sub]Of course, I’m a girl and have no dick. But I still think these are funny![/sub]
So, what you are all saying is that basically, I’m the ONLY one who has actually given his Visa card number over to a total stranger and BOUGHT THIS STUFF so far?
Shit. There goes $399.99 + shipping AND handling!!! Hell, if I was being handled, I WOULD NOT NEED THE STUFF !
Pheew! Talk about relief…I was convinced I was the only one geting those “add a few yards” to your schlong e-mails – or schshort as the case may be. Kept thinking it was a not-so-subtle hint from my ex-wife.
No longer paranoid, I’m now ready to resume the rest of my life.
