My house is a mess. Not my home - my house.
Last week at around 7:30, someone threw - yes, threw - a Buick - yes, a freaking Buick - through the front wall of my house. Apparently some FREAK calling himself “the Hulk” (yeah, original I know :rolleyes: ) was fighting some kind of slime-dripping monster-thing that had somehow commandeered a U.S. Army tank, and this “Hulk” bozo thinks it might help the situation if he THREW A BUICK INTO MY HOUSE.
The Army was nearby when it happened. Absolutely no help whatsoever. Laughed when I hollered at them to shoot the Hulk. Helicopter noise and gunfire kept me up all night.
I moved to Arizona from New York City last month, SPECIFICALLY to escape overmuscled twits throwing cars around while the authorities stand back and watch. Yeah, that was smart. :smack:
But the thing that really gets my panties into a bunch is when I file the insurance claim for the damage. I’m using Roxxon Life and Liability because their ads specifically addressed damage caused by superheroes and villians. But my claim was rejected within a day, because the damage was “an act of God” (I can’t make this up, folks.) I was there and I can tell you, it wasn’t God that tossed a Buick into my living room, it was that steroid-abusing green anomaly.
I got on the phone with the claims adjuster, and in the conversation he cheerfully mentioned that, since the Hulk is the result of a genetic mutation, any damage created by him is the direct result of forces beyond their control. But, says I, you don’t need to control the Hulk, you just need to cover my damages. Aha, he retorts (and I swear he’s chewing gum and blowing bubbles while he’s saying this) but just like household insurance can’t cover flood damage, it also can’t cover damage that was caused by freaks of nature engaged in their natural activities. I responded to this by pointing out that we don’t know that the Hulk is a mutant, there are websites that claim he was transformed by military experiments gone astray. So the insurance adjuster says, “take it up with the U.S. Army then,” and hangs up.
So. To the Hulk, and to Roxxon Life and Liability, I say this:
Text was removed because it violated decency rules established by the Comics Code Authority.
Really.
No, really.
I can’t take it any more. This is too much stress, and I’m in the most relaxed part of the country. I’m bidding on a vial of radioactive goo on eBay - if I get it, I intend to consume it just before visiting the Roxxon Life and Liability corporate headquarters. We’ll see how cheerful bubblegum boy is then!