Absolutely under no circumstances do not do this. The very best thing you can do is to have absolutely no contact with her, at least for the next year or so. Why do you care why she broke up with you? She did you a favor – from the treatment you describe in the original thread, this girl was nothing but vile to you. Is there anything she can say about why she broke up with you that changes the fact that being with her was incredibly bad for you, both mentally and physically? Knowing it was because she liked someone else vs. being sick of fighting with you vs. just being crabby that day won’t change a thing.
Focus on getting past her. Don’t talk to her, even if she wants to talk to you. You don’t owe her anything, and you owe it to yourself to stay away from her.
First of all, get used to the idea that hugging someone else doesn’t mean anything. If you go around getting jealous of future girlfriends hugging other people, you’re going to look like a psycho. Second of all, accept it – interest in someone else has got to be the single most common cause of breakups. (Most often, the interest in someone else is just a catalyst that finally prompts a breakup that’s overdue – if your girlfriend was really crazy about you, meeting someone else nice wouldn’t have made her want to break up with you.)
Yo… and thanks for the link I thought that if your topic got bumped off the first page it was gone for good. :smack:
Actually, I know hugging doesn’t mean dick. The thing is… it did to her. Even when I reluctantly copped hugs from some of her female friends, she would fume for hours (even days). That’s why it concerned me so, because I knew that TO HER they meant something. There has always been a problem with double standards, but it’s the breakup FOLLOWING the hug that gets me wondering whether the hugs did in fact mean something, y’know.
Oh and we’ve had some email contact. Turns out that crazy about me or not, what she was really looking for was a means to get Australian Permanent Residency. Fuck. Anyway, I’m pretty clear now that what got me fuming was the ineptitude and hypocrisy with which she handled every event surrounding our breakup.
Seeing her again is, sadly, unavoidable - since we have to each of us sign the cancellation on our lease. After that, though, it’ll be nowt more than a nod ‘hello’ if I happen to see her round. Glory!
I was, for a while, looking for some way to make her see the light and go ‘ah, so what I did hurt you? I had no idea… God I’m so sorry… I’ll never do that to anybody ever again etc’. In the name of sanity I hereby abandon that idea!
That is a very, very common idea - we all, deep in our hearts, want people to acknowledge that they have hurt us, and explain what we did that made them want to do that. I don’t think many of us actually get that, though. I’m glad to hear you’re dropping the idea of interrogating her; she is obviously extremely manipulative, and you would never get a straight answer out of her anyway.
As for psychological abuse being as bad as physical abuse, I totally agree. My abusive ex-bf never laid a hand on me, and it took me a good long while and counselling to get over his extreme jealousy and unpredictable rages.
As for abusive relationships being common, everyone I know has been in one in their life. There’s a lot of people out there who just don’t know how to treat another human being. That said, there are an awful lot more who do. Don’t give up - you’ll find a good one someday who’ll make you wonder what you ever saw in skank-girl.
We’re in the Pit, so I’m going to make the most rude and obscene suggestion I can think of:
Send in the lawyers.
If there is any way you can have a lawyer act as a go-between, so that you two don’t have to be present at the same time, do it. Try asking around at the law school, and see if they have any sharks in training who will be happy to handle the job.
Morgs, this person has shown herself to be physically abusive towards you. She has shown signs of irrational thinking as well. Her new ‘fiance’ is a mind-game to pull you back into her web. Please don’t fall for it.
If you are legally bound to sign at the exact same time as her, then bring along two friends with you and make sure one has a cell phone to call the police. Don’t talk to her, don’t ask her questions: just let it go. And don’t be in the same room alone with her. In 30 seconds she could punch you, tear her own shirt, and scream ‘Rape’, and your ex is just loony-tunes enough to do it. Without witnesses, the cops will believe her too.
My best advice to you is to change your phone number, change your screen name, and if you should see her around campus, turn an about-face the other way and Run As If Your Life Depended Upon It.
quietman1920 is absolutely correct. Don’t let yourself be alone in a room with this wonan. She is highly irrational, and might decide to torment you again, in any way she can. (Like accusing you of assualt or rape.) Do change your locks, screen name, passwords, phone number, and anything else she might recall that she can use to get to you. She could very well come into your place while you are asleep with bad intentions, harass you by phone, or hijack your e-mail etc… Again, you are in my prayers, good luck. (Changing your screen name is a good idea, so she can’t read your words on this message board and know it’s you.)
quietman1920 is absolutely correct. Don’t let yourself be alone in a room with this woman. She is highly irrational, and might decide to torment you again, in any way she can. (Like accusing you of assualt or rape.) Do change your locks, screen name, passwords, phone number, and anything else she might recall that she can use to get to you. She could very well come into your place while you are asleep with bad intentions, harass you by phone, or hijack your e-mail etc… Again, you are in my prayers, good luck. (Changing your screen name is a good idea, so she can’t read your words on this message board and know it’s you.)
Hmm, hide my true identity eh? (that’s a disguise, incidentally) I think even if I did change my name, she would probably be able to identify me by what I’ve posted. What’s more, I daresay she wouldn’t mind if she’s disrespected by a board membership with whom she’ll never meet. Most of the time when she demands I don’t tell a particular person about what she’s like, it’s somebody like ‘a friend who’s helping her with an essay’ or ‘her honours coordinator’ or ‘the parents of her new love interest (example only)’.
Unless it’s gonna make life difficult for her, she probably wouldn’t care. The idea of this thread was to blow off some steam and (hopefully) get some people with similar problems to emerge from the woodwork. I dealt with this whole issue in silence until I discovered a friend had broken up with his SO in almost identical circumstances…
Oh, and to the issue of lawyers… getting a mate to act as a middle-man is a nice idea. I’d thought of it but hadn’t really delved into the ins and outs of getting the whole thing to work. Now that I think about it, it probably wouldn’t be that hard. Feels good to take the first steps away from being in a rut of self-doubt.
Anyway, I’m touched by the display of sympathy (oh yeah, it’s the pit huh? I mean, the motherfucking display of donut-punching sympathy. yeah!) and more importantly ADVICE that everyone’s offered. Those of you who went out of your way to dis my ex have been added to my will (NB: it’s one of those will’s that’s not legally binding).
On a side note, we had plenty of mutual friends who were in relationships (ie: we were friends with both partners). In a couple of these cases one of the partners seemed particularly unhappy. I’m hoping my breakup will act as a sort of catalyst and inspire them to escape the confines of a life they thought had already been decided. Bush should abandon his polemic on the risks of gay marriage and realise the threat posed by the domino-breakup-effect!
I don’t want to let this thread descend into a back of forth of me thanking everyone, and everyone going ‘yeah’. So take this: While we were going out, my SO went to a counsellor a coupla times herself (usually around the occasions when I tried to reason her into breaking up). The counsellor invariably told her she was right and I (Morgs) was wrong, but recommended we come in for joint sessions. I couldn’t help but feel that the old SO had already gotten her foot in the door at this stage and that having me along would only result in a Morgs-dissing session (needless to say, I stayed home). Just how reliable have people found relationship counselling to be? We have a thing in Australia called ‘no fault divorce’ that was created to stop people from being trapped in relationships the only problem of which was that they didn’t love their partner. However, it wound up resulting in outcomes where one partner was clearly at fault but still good ‘half of all monies’. I’m saddened to say it, because I might well be relying on the advice of a counsellor in weeks to come, but it seems that in the interests of fairness, the desire to seek the truth of who is at fault has been lost.
Morgs, I meant no offense. I just figured that if you changed your SN, then she couldn’t drop any emails on you or chase you with IMs (or IM-bombs) for the rest of your days.
For the record, may I compliment you for handling this well at this point? (your last post shows a calm introspection that rises above the situation) Good Luck with all the rest. Remember:this too shall pass.
Just some food for thought; when your ex-SO went for counselling, you have only her word about what the counsellor said about your situation, and what she actually told the counsellor. I can’t imagine any counsellor telling someone who is acting the way she was acting that they were doing good things. The joint counselling might have been a chance for you to find out exactly what she was telling a counsellor.
Anyway, that ship has sailed. I third what others have said already; protect yourself from this woman. Assume that she will come back into your life as crazy as a shithouse rat and do anything she can to get back at you, then do the things you can to prevent her from doing that.
Relax, Quietman! No offence taken. Thanks kindly for the compliments, though. I’m hoping that when I put these ideas into practice they turn out as something close to what they look like on-screen.
I think the best solution would be to block her if things got out of hand. We had enough mutual friends that she could find out any new handle I took pretty easily.
Anyway, I think the discussion phase of things is pretty much over for me… I just have to wait until she comes back from China and put my plans into action. I’m kinda let down that this thread exctricated itself from its pittiness so quickly, but hey - live and learn.
Relax, Quietman! No offence taken, but sorry if I gave that impression. Thanks kindly for the compliments, though. I’m hoping that when I put these ideas into practice they turn out as something close to what they look like on-screen.
I think the best solution would be to block her if things got out of hand. We had enough mutual friends that she could find out any new handle I took pretty easily.
Anyway, I think the discussion phase of things is pretty much over for me… I just have to wait until she comes back from China and put my plans into action. I’m kinda let down that this thread exctricated itself from its pittiness so quickly, but hey - live and learn.
(that’s a disguise, incidentally) I think even if I did change my name, she would probably be able to identify me by what I’ve posted. What’s more, I daresay she wouldn’t mind if she’s disrespected by a board membership with whom she’ll never meet. Most of the time when she demands I don’t tell a particular person about what she’s like, it’s somebody like ‘a friend who’s helping her with an essay’ or ‘her honours coordinator’ or ‘the parents of her new love interest (example only)’.
No offence taken. Thanks kindly for the compliments, though. I’m hoping that when I put these ideas into practice they turn out as something close to what they look like on-screen.