This happened again yesterday. A co-worker introduced me to her friend who’d stopped by for lunch. In the process of introducing us, I learned she was married, among a few other little personal tidbits. So we all chatted a bit, and within a few minutes she’s telling me (and my co-worker) how witty and charming and “cute” I am. In fact, most of the comments are addressed to my co-worker, almost as if she’s talking about a bright child or a new puppy.
I get this kind of reaction pretty often from married women, but never, ever from single ones – at least not in a first encounter, and almost never in later encounters.
Because you’re not a threat. Marrieds (male and female) often feel they can “flirt” safely because they are already committed to a relationship. If they were single and made that kind of comment, they might expect you to be encouraged and start calling them up, hanging around their workplace, or peeping through their windows at night, so singles are more circumspect about their comments. No reflection on you, and I didn’t mean to say you are a stalker, but IMHO that’s a part of the reasoning behind the behaviour you cited.
Maybe it’s just the (grouchy) single woman in me, but I find that kind of behavior to be obnoxious. Every guy I’ve seen react to it (later) was either disgusted or made fun of it.
Why do they do it? I think the first answer is a very good one. But you’d think they’d be a tad more subtle, or just plain better at it. Nothing’s sexy about making a guy feel like he’s someone’s puppy or new toy. Maybe they’re out of practice.
True. Its annoying as hell because i have a friend (she’s a quasi friend now) who does this to me. Being treated like an unserious object so she can work with her self esteem and desires to be sexy is extremely offputting. but enough about me.
Its most likely because you can’t ‘hit’ on them or have a relationship with them and they know it. Thats probably why women on the internet pretend to be flirty sex addicts too FYI. You can’t build any kind of relationship on it and they know it.
Well, Boyo, maybe you’re witting and charming and ‘cute’. Just a thought.
Why do married women do it? Because they think they can (without getting in trouble).
Why don’t single women? Because they doubt any witty and charming man is going to be flattered by being called ‘cute’. Besides, a lot of women think they have to give a man the opportunity to make the first move.
It sounds really annoying. Are these women your mother’s age? Or your grand-mother’s?
you might ask yourself if YOU behave the same around single women as you do married women. It could be that the non -threatening circumstances allow you to open up and be yourself in a way you would’nt be with someone single and available (and interesting…).
I know I can be quite funny and charming myself at times but when I first met my wife I am sure that is not the opinion she had of me. In fact she saw me as almost painfully shy and introverted, and was quite surprised after a few dates and we went to the home of some friends of mine. I felt much more relaxed and comfortable than on any of our previous dates and we had a much better time.
Just like most men, most women don’t like to be turned down, rejected, etc. A single woman might feel that if you don’t react positively to being called “cute”, she is being rejected. Married women don’t have to worry about that, because they are clearly not making advances.
Actually, it’s NOT that clear, though most married women might think so. The longest relationship I ever had was with a married woman, an experience I don’t wish to repeat.
I certainly don’t feel free to respond to flirtation from a married woman as I would from a single woman. But as I’ve said, if single women are flirting with me, I’m not catching the signals. Either they’re too subtle, or I’m too obtuse, or it’s just not happening. I haven’t asked a woman out for more than a year, as I’m really tired of a 100% rejection rate for years and years. The last date I had was more than 3 years ago, the woman asked me out, and then she didn’t show. And she never spoke to me again, though we worked in different companies in the same building and saw each other several times. I have to figure I’m lucky, that she’s even more screwed up than I am relationship-wise.
But I digress – I’ve done other threads about my inability to find a relationship with single women.
Ha! Let me tell you about female behavior that bugs the crap out of me! This is somewhat related. Back when I was still drinking, I would sometimes stop by a local dance club to have a few drinks and maybe dance with the girls. I’d either be alone, or with a few of my male friends.
So I’d ask ladies to dance, and get turned down repeatedly.
Then, on a different night I stop in after work, and I happen to have a female coworker with me. And suddenly, I’ve got half a dozen women coming up and asking me to dance.
Boyo, reading your post was very enlightening for me. I am on the opposite end of your problem in that I am a married woman who has recently been accused by single men of either hitting on them or patronizing them when I compliment them soon after meeting them.
It confuses me because I don’t consider it to be flirting if I tell a single man he is funny or perceptive or bright. This usually occurs when whoever it was that introduced us had told me the single guy has had bad luck in dating. And although I am happily married now, I remember how rough the dating scene can be and I am just trying to restore a little confidence to someone that has been beaten down. Sometimes no one has told me the single guy has had a hard time with women, sometimes they bring it up and sometimes I can just tell. I am just wanting to encourage them not to give up. A man who feels defeated is not going to be attracting many women. My intention is to help them feel better about themselves, making it more likely they will meet someone.
Because of recent comments by single men misinterpreting my intentions I am now very careful what I say to single men. I find it strange I must censor myself because everything I have said to single men I have said to single women I have just met, and none of them felt patronized or that I was hitting on them. They appreciated the kind words and look forward to seeing me again.
I am curious…is there usually much of an age difference between you and the married women? In my case, I am 40, and the single men have been 25-30. I doubt I would be so complimentary towards a single man my age or older, but with men younger I guess I feel more older sisterly towards them and am more apt to give them a pep talk.
I don’t know if any of this helps you with your question, but you have helped me to see that what I have been doing is not having the effect I had hoped for and I will keep my good opinions of these nice young men to myself.
And not to compliment you or anything, but I have been reading these message boards for quite a while now and yours is only the second post that has stirred me enough to respond. Wink Wink.
I’m not sure how old she is. I’m 45, and she was in that neighborhood, possibly a few years younger. I don’t know whether or not she knew my marital status; no one brought it up in my presence. I rather doubt it, as we were all together from the time she came into the office until they left for lunch.
I must say I find such comments from strangers more confusing than helpful. I don’t offer personal advice even to people I know fairly well unless they ask. And if it is advice, it’s not couched in terms I recognize. And so, how am I to tell whether she’s flirting or not. Some married women really are flirting, some really are willing to take the flirting to another level, but I am not. I’ve been there and I don’t want to go back. Even if I was, the presence of my co-worker (who is also my friend) would curb my behavior.
I wonder whether she would have said anything different if she didn’t know I knew she was married? My co-worker was enthusing over a some piece of her jewelry, and said something like, “XXX and her huband own yyy (a local store selling Eastern jewelry and art), and they travel all over looking for products”, so she knew that I knew.
And maybe that’s where the “safe” part comes in. Because we all knew that I knew, if I flirted with her it would have been a little weird.
