I’m not a bad looking guy; I’m not Denzel Washington either though. So a recent trend is bugging me, well not recent maybe, I’ve just become more aware of it. I get hit on at least once a week, more often if I’m out more. I wear a wedding ring; in fact I’ve never taken it off, so that can’t be it. Now I’m sure at least some of these women may not have seen the ring before they began flirting. Likewise I’m equally sure some of these women are acutely aware of my marital status, including one woman, a neighbor, who has blatantly asked me to sneak out and come over. So what’s going on here? Incidentally I had one woman tell me I “looked married” and continued her flirting behavior, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
FTR, I’m very happily married and wouldn’t consider cheating, this is just idle curiosity about the phenomenon.
One of my sisters has some sort of fetish for married men, it seems. She goes after them like flies to horse-poo.
She seems to think that because they’re married, they’re not scummy single guys just looking to get laid, and that they’re stable, family types.
I’m not sure why she would want to settle down with a guy who cheats, but she thinks it indicates that the guy is responsible enough to have a family (while she ignores that he betrays his wife and family by messing around with her.) And for the record, this is a woman in her late 40s I’m talking about, not some 20-year-old who might not know any better.
I never said it made sense, but that’s her philosophy. :rolleyes:
I think you’d be surprised by the number of married men who are all-too-willing to get a little action on the side. Often, it’s the best place for a horny woman to look for some no-strings-attached fun. At least, that’s been true in my experience with myself and my friends.
Since I don’t always wear my wedding ring, I know this phenomenon is true. There are women I’ve met who get more progressively turned on when I talk about my wife. And when I mention my kid, it’s even more noticable. It’s weird because when I was single, the biggest signal to walk away was when a woman told me that she was married. The last thing I wanted was any problems.
I never pursued married men but at one point, I never discouraged one who came on to me. Just after my second divorce, I decided that I’d never get into a committed realtionship again and that I’d only date men who wouldn’t want ever get serious. Married men were safe. I was interested in staying single and dating.
Then along came someone unsafe who changed my mind. We’ve been married for 20 years.
I had a male friend who said this started happening to him in his 30s. He said the women fell into two groups - married women who were bored with their marriages and wanted a little excitement (and who figured a married guy would be ‘safe’) and single women who were convinced that ‘all the good ones are taken.’
I also went through a period in my early 30s where on several occasions I had guys hit on me fully knowing I was married - sometimes even when my husband was right there! I have no idea what that was about. Takes all kinds, I guess.
My wife explained it as such:
As belladonna mentioned, a happily married man is a good source of no strings attached sex. Yes, some women just want sex (I can’t seem to find them, but that’s another thread)
As a happily married man, a member of the Sisterhood thought that there was something great about you. Great enough to make a life long committment to. This puts you far ahead of an unknown single man, in some women’s eyes. You have a seal of approval.
An unattractive (unattractive meaning you are not a woman’s type, not soley looks) single man, will be ignored. An unattractive married man is a curiosity. It might not be openly visible, but your wife is seeing something very attractive and they are curious to know what that is.
You might look better now than before you were married. Cleaned up, had some better fitting clothes picked out for you, generally ‘broken in’.
A happily married man is most importantly happy. You probably exude a happiness and contentment, that can be attractive to some woman who are looking for exactly that. It comes across a lot better than a needy desperation that some single men convey.
Not me. And I want to thank all the excellent women out there, who, with a little effort, might have led me astray, but chose not to. Thank you. You truly are the fairer sex.
I don’t know your demographic group or preferences, but my impression is that a lot of women who just want sex are women you would not be interested in.
The women I know who want “no strings attached” sexual relationships are older moms who have decided that they either don’t want to be married, or that they need to focus their energy on their kids, not a romantic partner. All of them are in their 40s or 50s, and all of them exclusively pursue married men who are looking for sex only.
All the young single women I know who are promiscuous are hoping that their sexual encounters will turn into a relationship.
The woman who had a hand in breaking up my friend’s parents’ marriage seems to have this same fetish. She had a long-term affair with my friend’s dad. When his wife found out, she divorced him, and he went to live with the girlfriend. No more than a year later, the girlfriend kicked him out and went on to pursue another married man. I still haven’t figured that one out.
Women didn’t seem terribly interested in me when I was single.
But now that I’m married, and wearing a wedding ring, they ignore me just as completely.
So I can’t say I’ve noticed the phenomenon cited. Of course, it could just be that I’m completely oblivious to signs that a woman is Coming On, and marriage didn’t sensitize me to it any better.
Neither. In general, I don’t make moral judgments about women or men who sleep around a lot. And I don’t know you, so I wouldn’t presume to advise you on your love life. Just stating the facts as I’ve observed them.
To wit:
The women I know who only want sex without a relationship are older and have kids. The women I know who are younger and willing to have sex without a relationship are secretly hoping that the sex will lead to a relationship. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I haven’t met them.
Some (not all, of course) women whose fathers are [distant/absent/abusive/otherwise emotionally unavailable] grow up and seek relationships with emotionally unavailable men. There are issues of learning to relate to the opposite sex involved, and patterns of communication and behavior that get established (or maybe don’t get established) when the woman is very young. It’s not an insurmountable thing, of course, but some women are in their 30s or older before they notice the pattern in their relationships and seek to get at the root of it.
Note: I’m well aware that not all women who go after married men are reenacting childhood dramas. I also believe in free will, and I’m not trying to suggest that people aren’t in control of their own lives. But this is a widespread enough phenomenon that it’s worth mentioning in this context.
Hey, Stuffy . . . How YOU doin’?
Seriously, though, it sure does happen a lot. As a formerly Lonely Nice Guy™, now happily married, my hubby has a theory about this. He thinks that when you settle down with The One, you relax and become yourself, rather than your Dating Self, the one who’s just a little awkward because the whole bit of “trying to find someone” makes you act just a little bit artificial, and maybe a little bit stressed, whether intentionally or not. When you’re being yourself, you’re more natural, relaxed, interesting, attractive . . .
Well, it’s a thought. (Based on “Dating sucks, and thank God I’m out of that pool!”)
As a man who has noticed the same phenomenon, I think it’s mostly to do with me. Now that I’m not seeking hookups anymore, I notice women sending subtle signals. When I was younger and single, these signals were probably drowned out by my own hormone-driven courtship displays. What strengthens this suspicion is that I’ve had a few female friends tell me that in the past, I frustrated them by failing to “tune in” to what they thought were obvious signals of interest. I couldn’t see it then, but in retrospect I can see what they meant.
I’m also noticing there’s an “older guy” dividend. In the past 10 years, I’ve put on 30 pounds, lost 10% of my hair, and put on a wrinkle or two. Yet I get more eye contact and flirtation than I ever did as the (dashing and attractive, I believe) younger man I was in my 20’s.
There is one (admittedly remote) possibility no one has mentioned here. You, as a known unavailable man, may be regarded as a neutral testing ground. In other words, you’re safe. They can flirt with you, feeling secure that you won’t suddenly lunge for a handful of bosom. Your reactions to their flirting are a good guideline for whether these ladies still have “it” whatever the heck “it” is. You get all flustered and blush, they think, “Yes, I can still make a guy drool - even a married one!”
Why do I think this is a possibility? Because I, as a happily married woman, occasionally catch myself doing it to my gay male friends.
I was about to offer this explanation. I think it’s largely true. Females flirt from the youngest age and many never let up. (Not that males are much different.) As women age–gain weight, wrinkles, etc–some look for a psychological boost with the flattering ego-boosters you describe. It’s also a way to add a little excitement to an otherwise dull, 9-to-5 world.
Now, what these women don’t quite admit to themselves is that the same men who give them that ego-boosting look also give that look to most anything that moves. When selectivity is nil, the implicit praise is rather suspect. YMMV, of course.
