As my own personal guru Dave Barry once said: “When life hands you lemons, lie.” You know as well as I do that a single man is an even BETTER source of no strings attached sex. Well, my friend, the internet is here to help.
Purchase yourself a plain gold band off eBay. Something that makes your hand look graceful yet strong. Get some quality photo paper and print out a wallet-sized picture of a suitable-looking lady. If your Photoshop skills are particularly strong, dub yourself in there, or if not, perhaps an old snap of you and an ex/galpal will do. Put said picture in you wallet.
Now, before going out in the guise of Mr. Happily Married Man, practice a little. Clean up your place of abode. Beg or borrow a steam iron – and use it. Working late? Call from the office just to remind yourself you care. Or if you’re feeling really juiced, bring yourself roses at the end of a busy day. (Don’t overdo it! You’re a romantic, not a creepy stalker.)
If you can post to the net, you can surely write a few simple “My Wife” scenarios ahead of time. Make them plausible and consistent. Name her carefully - “Allison” may send delicious shivers down your belly but “Amy” might remind you of lima bean casserole or a 2:00am hissy fit in a stalled car. And where is your wife? Maybe she’s off shooting a photoessay in Slovenia, or helping her recently widowed mother get settled down in Sun City. You may never use these stories, or the picture in your wallet, but then again, you may need to…
…or not. Face it. Lying your way into a relationship is dangerous bullshit, and a woman who needs to be lied to, or feel that her man is cheating on his marriage, is going to be a goodbye girl at best and at worst, your ticket to a screaming holy nightmare. Maybe 2 mature people who have very well established boundaries with their spouse(s) and each other could make this work. The inexperienced are just asking for it.
IMHO, as the remit has it…