Just when you think Republicans can't get any more fuckheaded

[Equipoise]

This is on Michael Moore’s site:

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
Republicans, Out of Ideas, Ask Prosecutors to Arrest Michael Moore
10/6/04

Dear Friends,

You may have heard by now that the Michigan Republican Party has called for my arrest. That’s right. They literally want me brought up on charges – and hope that I’m locked up.

No, I’m not kidding. The Republican Party, yesterday, filed a criminal complaint with the prosecutors in each of the counties where I spoke last week in Michigan.

My crime? Clean underwear for anyone who will vote in the upcoming election.

Each night on our 60-city “Slacker Uprising Tour” through the 20 battleground states, I’ve been registering hundreds (and on some nights, thousands) of voters at my arena and stadium events. I then ask for everyone over 23 who has never voted (or didn’t vote in the last election) to stand up. I tell these slackers that I understand and respect why they think politicians are not worth the bother. I tell them that I may have been the original slacker, and that I do not want them to change their slacker ways. Keep sleeping 'til noon! Keep drinking beer! Stay on the sofa and watch as much TV as possible! But, please, just for me, on 11/2, I want you to leave the house and give voting a try – just this once. The stakes this time are just too high.

If they promise me that they’ll do this, I give the guys a 3-pack of new Fruit of the Loom underwear, and the women get a day’s supply of Ramen noodles, the sustenance of slackers everywhere.

I then close by having them repeat the 2004 Slacker Oath: “Pick nose! Pick butt! Pick Kerry.”

It seems to have worked, as each night the volunteer tables are swamped afterwards with hundreds of new and young voters signing up to campaign for regime change for the next four weeks.

The satire of all this seems to have been lost on the Republicans. Or maybe it hasn’t. The state of Michigan (where we spent most of last week) reported that over 100,000 young people recently registered to vote, a record that no one saw coming. The Slacker Tour has turned into a huge steamroller with a momentum all its own.

So, the Republican Party, to show their gratitude that so many young people will now be involved in our system, has demanded that I be sent to jail for trying to “bribe” students to vote.

Of course, this would be quite laughable if they weren’t so serious about their charges. But they are. I may soon be a wanted man in Michigan – simply because I convinced a few slackers to change their underwear and eat a healthy meal of artificially flavored noodles.

I thought I’d seen it all this year – Disney refusing to distribute the film they paid for, right-wingers harassing theater owners who showed “Fahrenheit 9/11,” conservative action groups trying to get the FEC to kick our film ads off the air, the unnecessary restrictive R-rating that forced teenagers to sneak in to see it, and all the stupid, crazy attacks on me and my movie that I’ve had to listen to as I watched the public ignore them and pack the movie houses anyway, where my film was being shown. And when all that failed, five different Republican groups made five different attack dog tapes (oops, “documentaries”!) against me in a period of about six weeks. But they were all so bad, so boring, so right-wing, no one wanted to watch them and they too went away, a sad waste of good videotape.

Now, after enduring all this, with no tricks left in their bag, they’ve just decided, “Let’s toss his sorry ass behind bars – him and his noodles and his gift of clean underwear!”

My friends, they will not catch me. Though I may be on the run, and I may never be able to return home to my beloved Michigan, I make this solemn vow to you and yours: The slackers of America shall not be denied their noodles, they will proudly wear their clean underwear as free Americans, and they will vote Bush out of office come November 2nd (though they will not show up to the polls until well after noon)!

Stay strong, stay slacker, and please remember to turn the underwear inside out every three days. As for the noodles, add boiling water, stir.

Yours,

Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com
www.michaelmoore.com

P.S. My favorite moment of the VP debate: Cheney saying to the moderator that this was the first he heard that that many black women in America had AIDS. Clueless. Cheney, for an entire 90-minutes, only mentioned Bush’s name – that’s his running mate, the “president” – once. They should have called this the “President (Cheney) – Vice President (Edwards) Debate.”

P.P.S. Tomorrow’s letter, as promised for today, will be about my new book, “Will They Ever Trust Us Again?: Letters from the War Zone.” And thanks, everyone, for sending “Fahrenheit 9/11” on its first day to #1 on Amazon. If you find that your store didn’t order enough copies, or to report other problems, please e-mail Sony Home video at HeySony@michaelmoore.com.

All the fucking around that criminals, excuse me, “election officals” have been doing in Florida and Ohio, and they want to throw MOORE in jail!?!?!? FUCK THEM!

[Lord_Ashtar]

Wow, anti-Republican stuff on Michael Moore’s website? Who’d of thunk it? :rolleyes:

[World_Eater]

Equipose, I like you, and I like your fire, but lately you’ve turned into Reeder.

[dropzone]

So, when Jim Oberweis, dairy mogul and occasional Senate candidate, gave an ice cream cone to everybody who brought in their voting receipt* he was committing a crime?

• • He wasn’t on that particular ballot but I can see few better ways to get the addresses of people who actually vote.

[Ferret_Herder]

Someone beat you to this last night: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=279405

[Equipoise]

@Lord Ashtar

Wow, anti-Republican stuff on Michael Moore’s website? Who’d of thunk it? :rolleyes:

Wow, fuckheaded Republican right-wingers* who want to stop people from voting, and suppress Fahrenheit 9/11? Who’da thunk it?

Asswipes. You guys are SO almost over.
*I do want to acknowledge those fine, upstanding, SMART Republicans who have jumped the sinking Bushship. They are not fuckheaded.

[Hentor_the_Barbarian]

I’m going to go see Moore speak this afternoon at Carnegie Mellon University here in Pittsburgh. I’m sure he’ll have something to say about this. I’m also really excited about the chance to get some new underwear.

[tdn]

This is shameful and awful, and all Republicans should hang their heads in shame – if it’s as Moore describes it.

But we all know that Moore tends to be a “colorful” speaker, and we’d be best not to take his word as gospel. So I have three questions:

1. What is the actual legality of bribing people to register?
2. Is it the entire Republican party that wants him arrested, or just a few yahoos? If the latter, who are they?
3. What do the Pubbies have to say about this?

[Lord_Ashtar]

@Equipoise

Wow, fuckheaded Republican right-wingers* who want to stop people from voting, and suppress Fahrenheit 9/11? Who’da thunk it?

Asswipes. You guys are SO almost over.

Because anyone who thinks this thread is stupid MUST be a Republican.

Once again… :rolleyes:

[Equipoise]

@Ferret Herder

Someone beat you to this last night: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=279405

Whoooopps, teach me to uncross my eyes before I post.

Sorry little*bit!
World Eater, thank you. Reeder was right all along, and got marginalized for his troubles in trying to wake people the fuck up. I don’t mind being in his company.

[zut]

Well, that’s interesting. Local news article for others who are interested. And as a bonus, the statute that Moore ostensibly violated (pdf):

Sec. 931. (1) A person who violates 1 or more of the following subdivisions is guilty of a misdemeanor:
[…]
(b) A person shall not, either before, on, or after an election, for the person’s own benefit or on behalf of any other person, receive, agree, or contract for valuable consideration for 1 or more of the following:
(i) Voting or agreeing to vote, or inducing or attempting to induce another to vote, at an election.
(ii) Refraining or agreeing to refrain, or inducing or attempting to induce another to refrain, from voting at an election.
[…]
(3) A person or a person’s agent who knowingly makes, publishes, disseminates, circulates, or places before the public, or knowingly causes directly or indirectly to be made, published, disseminated, circulated, or placed before the
public, in this state, either orally or in writing, an assertion, representation, or statement of fact concerning a candidate for public office at an election in this state, that is false, deceptive, scurrilous, or malicious, without the true name of the author being subscribed to the assertion, representation, or statement if written, or announced if unwritten, is guilty of a misdemeanor.
(4) As used in this section, “valuable consideration” includes, but is not limited to, money, property, a gift, a prize or chance for a prize, a fee, a loan, an office, a position, an appointment, or employment.

Section three dosn’t have anything to do with the matter at hand; I just threw it in 'cause I thought it was cool.

[Governor_Quinn]

Here’s the Detroit Free News’ report on the matter

[Mr.Moto]

@Hentor the Barbarian

I’m going to go see Moore speak this afternoon at Carnegie Mellon University here in Pittsburgh. I’m sure he’ll have something to say about this. I’m also really excited about the chance to get some new underwear.

No you’re not. Post-Gazette says he’s sick.

Sorry.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

My sig used to be De minimis non curat Lex Luthor.

Apparently, Lex Luthor isn’t a Minnesota Republican.

Or, for that matter, a Democratic blogger.

Daniel

[Lord_Ashtar]

@Left Hand of Dorkness

My sig used to be De minimis non curat Lex Luthor.

For us latin impaired folk, what does that mean?

[John_Mace]

@Equipoise

Reeder was right all along, and got marginalized for his troubles in trying to wake people the fuck up. I don’t mind being in his company.

**Reeder **has company? Self acknowledged company?

:eek: :eek: :eek:

[rjung]

By the logic of the Michigan Republican Party, if I urged my friends to vote – for any candidate, just as a patriotic gesture to reverse the low-voter turnout problems this nation has – and offered to treat them to dinner on election night, I’d be guilty of breaking the law, eh? :rolleyes:

Anyone wanna bet this wouldn’t be an issue if it was Bill O’Reilly offering free underwear to people?

[tdn]

So, it seems that Moore is, in fact, in violation of election law. But in such a silly way that it’s hard to take seriously. Looks to me like both Moore and the Michigan Pubbies need to lighten the fuck up.

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@Lord Ashtar

For us latin impaired folk, what does that mean?

Lex Luthor doesn’t care about petty shit.

“Lex” is Latin for “Law.”

Daniel

[CandidGamera]

See, now, there may be a technicality here. I’m no judge or law-talkin’ guy, though.

Sec. 931. (1) A person who violates 1 or more of the following subdivisions is guilty of a misdemeanor:
[…]
(b) A person shall not, either before, on, or after an election, for the person’s own benefit or on behalf of any other person, receive, agree, or contract for valuable consideration for 1 or more of the following:
(i) Voting or agreeing to vote, or inducing or attempting to induce another to vote, at an election.
(ii) Refraining or agreeing to refrain, or inducing or attempting to induce another to refrain, from voting at an election.

As long as the gift was exchanged for ‘voting’ and not explicitly for ‘voting for Kerry’ - Moore may be okay here. Even with the Kerry rah-rah at the end.

Any lawyers care to comment?