My brother has his first serious relationship at age 26. The chick is a 26 year old divorcee who is a mother of 3. To be accurate, she’s not divorced yet because her abusive ex hasn’t signed the papers.
Long before this relationship occured, my brother and I made plans for me to visit him Patriot’s Day weekend. Last month, my brother cancelled on me because Ms. Divorcee wants to visit her dying dad in Indiana. I was pissed at first but was fine with it. To make sure that I wouldn’t stew all weekend, I set up a bunch of spa appointments (massage, manicure, pedcure, and facial). Hell, I already had set aside the money, right?
Sure enough, I got a phone call two weeks ago from my brother. Divorcee and him are taking a break and he wanted me to visit him again. He also apologized profusely. Since I love my brother and enjoy visiting him, I moved around my appointments and started planning for the trip.
Today, I got an email asking if we could halve my visit because he wants to spend time with Divorcee. I am sick of this shit yet I love my brother and miss his company. I am pissed that I come in second to screwing his girlfriend or ex or whatever the hell she is.
Fuck her and her fucked up life. Ever since my brother has been involved with her, he hasn’t kept in touch and is pulling this B .S. What the hell kind of girlfriend makes a guy choose between her and his family? I’ll tell you. A girlfriend who has issues. I’m sure she gets off on my big strong brother rescuing her from a failed marriage and even encourages his fantasy of playing father to her kids. My anger has dried up my tears and all I have to say is FUCK!
With this being his first serious relationship he’s kinda new to the game too and undoubtably is going to make some mistakes, the first of which apparently is not letting other relationships suffer because of this new, demanding one.
Why don’t you let him know first that you’re afraid this is happening. If it persists then you’ve got a problem but, hopefully, the cause up to now is just ignorance and not malice on anyone’s part.
But, I must say that it isn’t uncommon when someone gets into a serious relationship that the family gets put on the back burner a bit. Not totally dismissed, mind you, but just a little bit less contact.
Jeez, yeah, fuck her for wanting visit her dying father. What a total and complete bitch she must be! And fuck your brother, too, for going along with this sentimentalist bullshit rather than telling her to get the fuck over it!
And what the fuck is up with accusing her of making your brother “choose between her and his family”? Your own post gives no indication at all that this is what she’s doing. Hell, you state very clearly that he cancelled because “he wants to spend time with Divorcee.” (Why her divorced status is relevant, i’m not quite sure. Maybe to show that she’s immoral or something?)
If anyone deserves a pitting here, as far as i can tell it’s your brother. But all he seems to be doing is being a good partner, and his attachment to her in the early stages of a relationship is completely understandable, especially since this is apparently his first serious relationship.
I think you need to calm down and get over yourself.
She’s pittable because she had a “dying father” to visit on Patriot’s Day weekend last month and now she suddenly is available for a post-sister visit screw with my brother. Maybe the dad has already died but something smells fishy.
I agree she’s pittable. (but so is he for playing her game) A decent relationship is one where either partner welcomes the family of the other - unless your brother failed to mention that he had planned a visit from you and is dancing to his girlfriend’s tune all on his own (without her input). Tell the boy how you feel and enjoy your weekend at the spa. (if you can get your appointments back)
Nope, I’m still not getting it. What is the girlfriend doing that’s wrong? Not mourning her dying father enough? Having sex with your brother? Forcing him to blow you off with some sort of mind control ray?
Maybe you know something that I’m just not getting from your posts, but I don’t understand the complaint at all. Is there any reason to think her dad is not seriously ill? Can’t you imagine that if her dad was seriously ill, she would want to spend time with your brother afterwards? Or maybe your brother thinks it’s important to support her?
I’ve yet to see how she is making him choose between her and his family. Isn’t it more likely that he’s head over heels and is the one dropping everything for her? Is she supposed to dial the phone for him and make him call you?
Sigh… I guess if I pit anyone, I should pit my brother. It’s just easier to villify the Divorcee, who I haven’t met. My parents have and they say she’s nice.
The story I was fed last month was her father, who had left the family when she was 3 and never contacted her, was dying from liver cancer in Indiana. The plan back then was my brother and her drive to Indiana with the three kids and take the entire weekend to visit him. Either he already died ,the Divorcee cancelled the trip due to the break-up, or there is no dying father.
This relationship will eventually crash and burn like all the others and I’ll be there for him of course. But this is the first time he’s pulled crap like this.
P.S. Patriot’s Day weekend is a long weekend celebrated only in MA.
Fair enough. It sucks when friends and/or family get into new relationships and immediately turn into different, annoying people. It’s tempting to believe that the other person somehow brainwashed them into acting like this, but sadly it’s usually just romance-induced stupidity.
I was a total idiot during my first long-term relationship, and I’m sure my friends and family wanted to believe it was all the girl’s fault I acted like such a dolt. But sadly, I was just young and dumb. Hopefully your brother will snap out of it and learn to be in a relationship without putting the rest of his life on hold. If he doesn’t, consider punching him.
I don’t know why you’d assume it was a line about her father. Maybe you can’t understand why it would be important for her to see her father, even if she hasn’t seen him in 23 years, as he’s living out his last days. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t important to her. And if your brother is a good partner to her, it will be important to him. Sure, he cancelled your plans together, but you can reschedule those. You can’t reschedule something like your father (estranged or otherwise) being on his deathbed.
Your brother has also indicated to you that he still wants to see you - demonstrating to you that you’re still important to him, even when his life is in chaos. Sounds to me like you want to be his number one priority, which is an awful lot for a sister to expect. And while it probably isn’t the case, your last statement makes it sound like you can’t wait for it to fall apart so you can hug him and hold him, and crow triumphantly about how evil she was, and you knew it all along.
AmericanMaid, not to sound accusatory, but what was the nature of your brother’s other failed relationships? Were these also women that you disapproved of? Did they try to make your brother choose between you and them?
As AM said, it’s a state holiday (which I don’t get off :(). The main event of the holiday is the running of the Boston Marathon, which essentially means I’m either shut into or out of my apartment from around 11am until around 6pm.
tdn, his other relationships have been with mentally unstable women who I did not approve of. It’s my job being a judgy big sister, right? My favorite was the girl who had anxiety attacks whenever he wanted to discuss their relationship.
AmericanMaid why don’t you tell your brother that you would love to spend the weekend with both him and his girlfriend, getting to know her and participating in their lives. Perhaps once you do get to know her your opinon will soften. Certainly an important part of any new relationship is introducing your love to your extended family and friends and seeking acceptance and mutual respect amongt all parties. You could all go to the spa together.
I, personally, do not believe you should be pitting anyone in this situation.
After reading your OP I thought that you must be pretty young…maybe in college on your own for the first time and your older brother, who you’d always looked up to, was shunning you for his new girlfriend. I was thinking that it was understandable that you’d react this way, given your immaturity and obviously close relationship with your brother.
…Then I looked at your posting history a bit. You are 28 years old! My lord woman, get a grip! I do not want to slap you around (verbally) while you are in such a tizzy, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what is going on here. Either there is something more that you have not shared with us - which is within your right but is deceiving and makes anyone wishing to sympathize with you difficult - or you are just being a brat.
Do you have a reason to believe that this girlfriend…excuse me…divorcee (who is in your mind at least trying to “saddle” your brother with her three kids from her first marriage) is lying about her father dying? If not, that’s a pretty harsh accusation. Do you have a reason to believe that she knows what he had originally planned for the Patriot’s Day weekend? Do you have a reason to believe that he’s doing ANY of this because she’s coercing him instead of him? Or is it just that he’s being a good boyfriend by spending time with his girlfriend in what has to be an extremely difficult time and you are jealous because you’ve just been shown the back seat?
I feel so mean for saying all of this to you, but that’s not my intention. I just cannot understand what the problem is here. People in new relationships like to spend time together - especially if it’s serious as you’ve intimated. People in relationships support each other through the hard times.
I know my post is a little harsher than the other posts here but I’ve been this “divorcee” for all that I know about her. When I started seeing a new guy his family would FREAK OUT anytime he chose to spend time with me over them. His sister would have a fit if he tried to include me in any plans the two of them had because she was leaving after the summer to go to college and she wouldn’t get to see him for two months. ~BIG POUT~ :rolleyes: At some point - and I think 26 years old is that point …beyond it actually - you have to realize that he will have a life that is not all about you and your family. Yes, it sucks that you don’t get to see him as much or that sometimes HIS LIFE (not his girlfriend’s…as they are together now you might as well see anything that happens to her as being part of HIS LIFE) will take precendence over minor holiday plans (as in minor holiday - not necessarily minor plans). Life happens, you should be old enough to understand that by now.
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So he’s had other serious relationships or he hasn’t? I’m confused. The other relationships weren’t serious or they don’t count because you didn’t approve of them?
No…no it’s not your job to be a “judgy big sister”. He’s two years younger than you. He’s not 12, he’s 26. He’s an adult. It’s your job to be a good sister, supportive of your brother unless he is actually treating you poorly. Let me point out to you that interfering in his relationships is not just going to cause trouble between them, it’s going to cause trouble between you and your brother. And if you continue to villify every woman he dates, you will soon find yourself wondering why you and your brother don’t have a good relationship.
