I have seen columns like this appearing in newspapers ever since I knew what sex was. They go something like this:
Dear Advice Columnist,
We used to have a great marriage, but six months ago I caught my husband looking at pornography on the Internet. I was heartbroken, but my husband said that he would never do it again.
Imagine my shock when I found my husband masturbating to Internet porn in the middle of the night last night. I’m heavier than I used to be but not obese. What should I do?
Shocked and Scandalized
The reply:
Dear Shocked and Scadalized,
You are in a very grave situation. You do not need to, and should not have to, put up with this abuse.
Seek counseling immediately. If your husband does not go with you, go by yourself. Good luck.
Advice Columnist
I’m always shocked myself that there are women stupid and/or uninformed enough to write such letters. But here are some things to keep in mind going forward:
Hel-LO! 99.9% of men use porn, and you wouldn’t want to associate with the 0.01% who don’t (asexuals and hardcore religious nuts). If you are in any way surprised that your man stimulates his sausage with pr0n, then you are a hopeless retard.
Yes, you are too fucking fat, and that’s the biggest reason why he’s jacking off to two-dimensional entities. The other reason is that you weren’t very sexy, smart, or interesting in the first place, and 5+ years of marriage have only diminished those meager qualities.
“Counseling” doesn’t do dick.
Monogamy is a canard.
Why do women expect men to be anything other than what they, by nature, are?
Cite that 99.9% of all men view porn (as classified, not chicks in bras in the lingerie ads)
Cite that the 0.01% who don’t view or use porn are either eunuchs or fundy freaks.
On second thoughts, after reading the OP again, I don’t know why I bothered with trying for a reasonable retort…
I like reading good crazy.
I mean, I really, reallllly like reading me some good ol’ crazy.
Don’t stop. Whatever you do… don’t… stop… don’t… stop… don’t stop!
Maybe if you spent less time looking at porn you’d be able to get a great wife too. (In my experience, most nice women don’t care for porn and they like even less a guy who is obsessed with it)
–FCOD
P.S. I didn’t look at porn before I was married, either.
I wasn’t “banging heat” at the time, but I did have a respect for women and I don’t think it’s right to objectify them. Also, I think it’s kinda sick to look at sexual images of women to whom I have no emotional attachment. In other words, women are not sex toys, they’re people. I don’t care if they’re voluntarily exposing themselves; I still think it’s disgusting.
I don’t particulary care what Jesus would do, although I tend to think he’d agree with me.
I wonder why your wife is so unhappy too, Aeschines, and why you’re so bothered about it that you open a Pit thread on the topic. It seems this goes beyond sex and looks. You sound like a very angry person and probably in need of counseling (I’m not basing that on your porn use, I’m basing that on your attitude here.)
And if I were to WAG, I’d say you are not Teh Hawt, either.