Straight Dope Message Board

[Askia]

I'm your worse nightmare: a black man with a gag.

This here's an open challenge to any wordsmiths, L.A. quippers, NYC punhandlers, bon moteers, phraseologists, punned-its or wascawwy wapscallions wepwete with a way with words: if'n you think you got enough junk your trunk to match me pun for pun, whip it out and let's see which one of y'all measures up.

First round: Free style. Go.

[Daithi Lacha]

Askia, I asky-ya: are a cat's paws weapons of mouse destruction?

[Askia]

Neither, especially if there's detente or declaws.

[jjimm]

Surely de cats' claws would rip de tent?

[Askia]

Tentatively, yes. Which may be a felinious crime.

[The Scrivener]

Askia, and ye shall receive!

[Daithi Lacha]

Originally Posted by Askia

Tentatively, yes. Which may be a felinious crime.

That's funny -- I was feline fine, but then my shrink told me I was two tents. What a coincidence!

[The Scrivener]

If we cop to the felinity, can we get off with a probity period? Or does our pun-ishment merit incarceration?

[Askia]

Quick with the wit, I see.

The Scrivener. Yeesh. Scrivenin' me up the wall, already.

Daithi Lacha. If you're two tents, go camping.

[Askia]

Are U2 rock fans? UB40 or younger?

[silenus]

If you are two tents, maybe your wig is too wam.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Askia

Are U2 rock fans? UB40 or younger?

This may take away your headache, but I be profen.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by silenus

If you are two tents, maybe your wig is too wam.

For all in tents and porpoises.

[Askia]

silenus. If I were two tents, you could treat me like a rapper in the UniverSoul Circus: call me B.I.G. TOPPA.

tdn. Funny, I'd have sworn you were on the bathroom floor, tile and all.

[Askia]

Originally Posted by tdn

For all in tents and porpoises.

Dolphinately.

[Askia]

I fear I may have bitten off more than I can choose.

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Askia

Dolphinately.

Manta man, now, I was once a deaf intravenous drug-using fish. I had herring aids. It made me feel a little eel. (But I got out of the net on a technicality.)

[Askia]

I'm like the bees outside my house: just getting swarmed up here.

[anyrose]

bringing a coalman from Tenn to Ohio so that he may kanoddle with a still living Flipper and his friends is




wait for it




Transporting a miner across state lines for immortal porpoises

[Askia]

Whale, whale, whale. Fish puns. That's raising the fish steaks. I may have to get trout of here.

[jjimm]

For cod's hake.

[anyrose]

Stop! you're giving me a haddock!
Halibut a little mercy?

[anyrose]

C, E-Flat, and G walk into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve minors here."

[Askia]

anyrose. Whew. You should be arrested for indecent disclosure.

[Daithi Lacha]

Aw, crappy! I just remembered I owed my friend Gil a fin.

[Askia]

Fish and music puns, huh? (cracks knuckles)

BASS-ically, I don't whether you go for SOLE music, or ROCK-shrimp and ROLL. This is no FLUKE. You two, BLOWfish away.

[Askia]

Originally Posted by Daithi Lacha

Aw, crappy! I just remembered I owed my friend Gil a fin.

"Gil a fin?" Is that a "Gilligan's Island" joke? Or is Gil a girl?

If so, do you plan to give Gil a Howell soon, or will you just Skipper Gingerly, Professor love for another and then go marry Ann?

[anyrose]

a termite walks into a tavern and asks "is the bar tender here?"

[Askia]

I'm like James Evans on "Good Times." I'm on a Rolle.

This is all just pun and games, people. If you think I'm punny now, just give me another hour...

[anyrose]

a cheese sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don;t serve food here"

[Askia]

Originally Posted by anyrose

a termite walks into a tavern and asks "is the bar tender here?"

:: Cues Pink Panther theme music :: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant,,,

[Askia]

Originally Posted by anyrose

a cheese sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don;t serve food here"

The cheese sandwich said, "But rye not?" The bartender replies, "You may have enough bread, but this is a hip-hop bar, sp we need you to flash the cheddar."

[Askia]

Eh. DO-OVER. "The bartender replied, 'Wheat need you to pay, and you don't have the bread OR the cheddar."

[Spatial Rift 47]

Fish puns? Now look, the fish puns are all well and gouda, but every edam time I open up a pun thread it smelts of fish. It's enough to make me tear my herring out. You guys need to spice it up, to really relish a thread like this. Put some of the ol' pepper on it. Why, time was a guy could expect a real rhubarb when he went into a pun thread, and everyone was perfectly okra with that.

Some say the penguin is mightier than the sword, but that's no way to take flight. These puns here just don't leopard of the page and grab the reader by the throat. No, you guys are just playing mice.

*psi*

I'm sigma tired of this amateur stuff. You beta liven things up around here, or I will bust a kappa in yo' rear end. I am the alpha and the omega of the Olympian omphaloskepsis known as wordplay. Chi am here to tell you I know how to play the gamma, and if you watch me and take notes, I'll show you how to get all your ducks in a rho.

[Askia]

Spatial Rift 47 trying to bring it!!

[anyrose]

Originally Posted by Askia

Eh. DO-OVER. "The bartender replied, 'Wheat need you to pay, and you don't have the bread OR the cheddar."

Alouette you slide on that one

[Askia]

Spatial Rift 47. This sounds like Greek to me, but whatever. OMIKRON say this once. THIS IS MY HOUSE. If PHI ever see NU step foot on my LAMDA again, TAU'ma knock you UPISILON the head, then put a KAPPA in your ass.

[Askia]

Originally Posted by anyrose

Alouette you slide on that one

Don't goat too far. Brie-tween you and me, I can do "Cheese" puns like a Whiz.

[anyrose]

Originally Posted by Askia

Don't goat too far. Brie-tween you and me, I can do "Cheese" puns like a Whiz.

maybe, but they're eggscruiating. Right now my brain is scrambled, but it doesn't take a hard boiled detective to suss out the yolks.

[Askia]

Chicken? Don't quail. You're robin me of all my fun if you quit. Ostrich you out!

My egg-sellence will not be deinied!!

[Spatial Rift 47]

Originally Posted by Askia

Spatial Rift 47. This sounds like Greek to me, but whatever. OMIKRON say this once. THIS IS MY HOUSE. If PHI ever see NU step foot on my LAMDA again, TAU'ma knock you UPISILON the head, then put a KAPPA in your ass.

Steeling my puns? That is totally lamé. I have more punning power tin a small little silver of my pinky finger than you'll ever have. You don't have the metal to meet my challenge. You'd best iron out your misconceptions, or you'll be hard pressed to so much as use a dictionary when I'm done with you. And then I'll really get steamed.

[Askia]

Spatial Rift 47. You confuse thievery with homage. I was inspired. b But I won't even try metal puns; you'd claim I was METAL-ing in your business ORE I that I wasn't being FERROUS.

[anyrose]

I think it's time we finch what you starling. Spats and I won't budgie. It's your swan song, Askia

[anyrose]

Enough of this baloney. I'm going to be frank. My reputation is at steak, and it's a rare individual meat the challenge

[anyrose]

Enough of this baloney. I'm going to be frank. My reputation is at steak, and it's a rare individual who can meat the challenge

[Askia]

I can take you two birds wrenever, where ever. Then owl crow victory. That teach you two chickedees to albatross me.

[Spatial Rift 47]

Askia, you can ham it up all you like, but by now you must see that rose and I have you porked. No sausage words of wisdom can save you now, not even if you get down on your knees and start bacon. The steaks are too high, and you are udderly defeated, and I will milk this for all its worth. I cud show mercy, but I won't. So you'd best be mooving on before you are totally creamed.

[Askia]

Baloney, eh? What a ham. This cold cuts me to the quick.

[Clothahump]

Not if they catch you robin the corner stork.

[Askia]

Look, I'm the Number One Punner. You two are Pretty Fly For A White Guy, but let's face it: I'm The Real Deal. Why You Wanna play me? Maybe when you two can figure out when it's Going Down, or you can Drop It Like It's Hot, then maybe I can Be Without You. Right now, I'm not inclined to give you another 4 Minutes of my time. You Hustlin,' Can't Let Go, and Torn. But I might forgive you if you can get your sisters to Gimme Some Head.

-- brought to you by Billboard's Hip-Hop Top Twenty.