Dear Ilo, You Cheap Ungrateful Broke-down Heifer,
I haven’t heard a peep out of you since the embarrassing incident on the MARTA commuter train the other morning, when I sat you on my lap and stuck my shit in your hole and nothing happened. You quit on me for no fucking reason. You’ve been pretty much giving me the silent treatment ever since while I’ve been trying to work out what to do between you and me. I don’t like this shit one bit.
Even when I tried to fix things and make it right, you wouldn’t go for it, and wouldn’t even let me listen. I don’t care WHO or WHERE he is: when a man takes his male bit out and sticks it in you and you won’t do the shit you’re supposed to, a man’s got limits. I’ve fucking’ reached mine.
You know I’m accustomed to getting a lot from you pretty regular. On the way to work. At the bus stop on the way in. On the morning train. Sometimes I’d sneak and try to get some at my desk during lunch, too.
You know what? I’m done with you and your sloppy-ass hole.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Used to be, I’d stuck my male bit in you, and the fit between MY shit and your HOLE would be, like, tight, and everything was perfect. We’d be jammin’. I could really get my groove on and come away hours later deeply satisfied.
We’d be going at it for hours, too, remember? I loved jammin’ my shit into you and hearing those noises you’d make. Even when you felt tired and wanted to wind down, I’d play around with your back a little bit, get your juices flowing, and we’d be at it again. Shit, bitch, why do you think I always kept around batteries?
BITCH, I LOVED YOU!!! Even those times when you embarassed me in public, like with the little white boy! people forget, YOU were at the bottom of that. But I never blamed YOu for getting me into that saituation! I always stuck up from you!
And then you had to let your sloppy hole get all sloppy!
First time it happened a couple of weeks ago, I blamed ME. HA. That’s a fucking laugh. Remember when I stuck it in you and you didn’t do nothing? Didn’t even make a sound. I wriggled my shit around in your hole and realized the fit wasn’t right. I thought (HA!) somehow I’d stretched your shit out. I mean, I knew, my shit would be rock hard and we sometimes roll around pretty hard bouncing all over the place, but DAMN. When I stuck it in you it wasn’t even a comfortable fit anymore. The connection wasn’t right. With my fingers, I’d try to hit that one spot in your hole juuuuust right I could feel the male bit rattling up against the sides in there. C’mon! That shit ain’t eeeeeeven right.
I’d hoped it was my imagination, but things got worse from there.
YOU the one fucking up. What happened to you is NO WAY my fault.
Seriously. Look, I’ve been rough on you before. I admit it. Frankly, I didn’t think you minded a little rough treatment. I might have knocked you around a little bit while we’ve been together, but you KNOW I never meant to hurt you, baby. Like that time I accidently knocked you down the stairs shortly after we first got together? Remember how concerned I was when I picked you off the floor? But it’s not like I gave you any scratches or ever left a permanent mark on your face. We went on with our lives…
In no way what happened to you is MY fucking fault. You and your sloppy hole quit on me. Considering the way I’ve lovingly treated you these past few months, being attentive, keeping you by my bedside at night, taking you EVERYWHERE – I think I deserve more consideration.
FUCK. It hasn’t even been a year since I’ve known you! I know it’s foolish, but I thought we’d be together forever!
Let’s not play games. This shit ain’t working for me. You still won’t act right when I stick my male bit in you. A man’s got needs. It’s not like my male bit is too big. I’ve had it confirmed by others my shit is perfect.
Oh, you’re surprised? You think I wouldn’t go out and test my shit? I’ve been out a few times, tried it out, slipping my shit into different holes just to make sure. That woman who was listening to her CD player on the train the other day let me slip it into her hole. Over on Erika’s desk at her computer at work. Yeah. I did it there, too! Even my sister let me do it to hers on her couch while she was working on her laptop. My shit worked FINE every time.
So, it’s you, bitch.
Still not a peep out of you, huh? Figures.
You know, I used to think you were innocent in all this. Now I think you’ve been keeping this defect from me ever since the beginning. YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. I think you knew this shit was gonna happen, and you’ve been biding your time, LYING to me like a lying-ass prevaricatin’ liar who lies. I think you knew, and I definitely think that no-nothing underpaid pimply faced pimp I bought you from knew this shit would happen.
You’re getting replaced. Simple as that. Yeah, I’ve been looking around. I’ve already got my eye on one I like. Younger, just as curvy, better looking and frankly, puts out more.
You’re no more use to me, or anyone else, and I don’t want to see you again.
[sup]2[/sup].