A Jack Handy Apperciation Thread

Cafe Society
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Yes, that Jack Handy. The unknown author of oh so many great Saturday Night Live quotes. While looking for some quotes to fill my Facebook quotations list, his name came up in my mind. I’ve found countless gems, some of which I remember when i saw them back when I was like 8 years old.

I’ll list some to get started, I’m sure other can chime in with some that flew under my radar (google-dar?) :slight_smile:

“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting”

“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
“It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

“Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants”

“If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.”

Any other dopers in awe of the great inspirational words of Jack Handy? :smiley:

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“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?”

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it. "

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You ready to have your mind blown? He’s not unknown. He’s a real humorist, and he lives in New Mexico.

And my classic:

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Yes, he is one of the few things from that era that made me laugh regularly.

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“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they’re gone.”

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“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”

“Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.”

“One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “DisneyLand burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.”

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The others were funny, but I could picture the sad little kid a little too clearly for me to enjoy this one.

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*“Why do they always say, “…he ran away like a scared rabbit”? Why not say that he ran away like an ANGRY rabbit, on his way to another fight far, far away?” *

“The crows seem to be calling my name,” thought Caw.

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“The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down in some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it and then he’ll stand up and go ‘HEY, LOOK AT ME I’M VINE MAN!’”

“If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.”

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.”

“I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, ‘Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.’ So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.”

“If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.”

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When a child asks me “Why is it raining?” I think a funny thing to say in reply is “Because God is crying.” And if that child then asks me “Why is God crying?” I think another funny thing to tell him is “It’s probably because of something you did.”
Yesterday, I bite into a plum, ripe orange. Then to my surprise, I realized I wasn’t eating an orange. Instead it was…

A HUMAN HEAD!!!

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More than you ever cared to know: http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/index.html

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The face of a child can say so much . . . especially the mouth part of the face.

You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

I also love the ones about the thing latching on to someone’s neck, and the screaming trees.

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When I die I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not panicking and screaming in horror, like the people in the car he was driving.

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The melon one and the sad kid one (“Disneyland burned down”) are my two favorites. Love them.

Ooh, and the grandpa one.

“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.””

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There was one Fuzzy Memories sketch I found especially funny. It’s the one where he kid locks out his father from the car convinced father’s out to hurt him. In the end he kids says: “Nice try dad, if that is your real name.”

There’s a bunch of fuzzy memories on youtube. This one is pretty funny.

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Instead of a dove, I think the pillow should be the symbol of peace. You get all the feathers without the dangerous beak.
-Brewha’s memory of a Jack Handey quote. Not guaranteed word for word.

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“Better not take a dog on the space shuttle. Because if he sticks his head out the window on the way home, he’ll burn his face off.”

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Some favorites of mine, not guaranteed to be word-for-word correct:
*
It’s easy to ridicule the beliefs of our ancient ancestors. But we cannot ridicule them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

It’s a shame that whole families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave, and every once in a while he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.
*

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These all make me giggle so much. Jack Handy was an awesome guy.

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Was? He’s still at it, as far as I know. (Though there’s something about his name that does make him seem fictional or old timey or like an Uncle Cecil-type – whatever that may be.)

Even if he’s loved by all, he’s still underrated. Every quote in this thread has me cracking up.