[Phil Hartman]…and now…Deep Thoughts…by Jack Handey…[/Phil Hartman]
The face of a child says so much,
especially the mouth part of the face.
What are your fave gems from Jack?
I have to look it up, but I know it had to do with naked opera singers…
“The perfect gift for the President would be a chocolate handgun. But he’s a very busy man, so you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.”
here it is
I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Probably my favorite because I was working on an opera when I first read it.
(Loosely paraphrased)
I hope that when I die, one day, I’ll die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did…
…and not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car did.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever fall off the top of a really tall building, you should just go limp, like a dummy. Then somebody may try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Top 3, in descending order:
3)If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
2)You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
1)The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy, and floating…you finish off as an orgasm.
Here’s a bunch.
“If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, just let them…'cause MAN, they’re gone!!”
"When a child asks me ‘Why does it rain?’, I think a funny thing to say is ‘Because God is crying.’ And when that child asks me why God is crying, I think another funny thing to say is “It’s probably because of something you did.”
“I bite into a ripe, juicy, succulant melon the other day…and then I realized it wasn’t a really a melon, it was…A HUMAN HEAD!!!”
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Growing up, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. We called him that because he lived in a cave. From time-to-time he would eat one of us. Later on, we found out he was a bear.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words - “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
My all-time favourite: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
“If trees could scream, would we still cut them down? We would if they screamed constantly. And for no good reason.”
It’s sad that a family could be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
My three favorites…
“Probably one of the main problems with owning a robot is when you want him to go out in the snow to get the paper, he doesn’t want to go because it’s so cold, so you have to get out your whip and start whipping him, and the kids start crying, and oh why did I ever get this stupid robot?”
“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
“When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.”
My favorite:
I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
“I hope life isn’t just a big joke, because I don’t get it.”
Regards,
Shodan