Your #1 is, I think, a slight misquotation of someone not Jack Handey – perhaps George Carlin? The original ended with the phrase “… end up as a gleam in someone’s eye.”
Extra funny for being proclaimed the best by Hentor the Barbarian
Hentor SMASH!
It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an Angel gets set on fire.
This is by far my favorite.
My sig:
I’d rather be ruch than stupid.
(I know I’ll get this wrong, but it goes something like…)
If I was ever in a war, instead of a grenade, I’d throw one of those small pumpkin things. Then maybe when everyone sees that, they’ll laugh and realize how stupid war is. And while they’re doing that, I’ll throw a real grenade at them.
I had “I’d rather be rich than stupid” on my checks for a few years.
I heard recently that Jerry Lee Lewis married his 13-year old cousin.
That’s pretty disturbing. I don’t think I would ever do that in a million years…
even if I got her pregnant.
Possibly. I found it amidst Jack Handy quotes and assumed the best.
It seems a bit more thoughtful (pardon the phrase) than your average Handy-ism now that you mention it.
“I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.”
–FCOD
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
It’s a long one, so I had to look it up, but I found it on the linked site. My all-time favorite:
“The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”
As I watched the sky change from a salmon color to a flint gray, I thought of the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If it’s true that God lives inside of us, like some people say, I hope he likes enchiladas, 'cause that’s what he’s getting!
I bet that most of the time, being down in a dungeon was pretty bad, but some days, you look out your little window during a horrible storm, and you think, “man, I’m glad I’m not out in that”.
“Anyone truly interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy”.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
“Sometimes I wish I’d never been born. No wait–not me, you.”
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
Sometimes when I see something hurtling itself across the floor and it lunges at someone and attaches itself to their neck, I stop and say…what is that thing?
I remembered this one as funnier- I’d apparently enhanced it:
“We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.”
I’m not sure if it’s Jack Handey or somebody else who said (something to the effect of) the following:
“Grandpa died and rose from the dead three days later, but we didn’t call him the Son of God. We just said 'Hey, Grandpa’s back.”