That sounds a bit Mitch Hedbergish to me. 
I was in an art gallery when a woman walked up to me and asked, “Do you prefer Manet, or Monet?” I told her, “I like mayonnaise”. She just looked at me and didn’t say anything, so I said it again, a little louder, “I like mayonnaise!” She turned around and walked out. I guess she went to get me some mayonnaise.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,” some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, “I’ll be waiting for you in heaven–with a gun.”
This is a paraphrase:
“When I was a kid, I used to pray to God for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.”
It’s amazing when you think that there is an entire world all around us we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the world of the invisible scary skeletons.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
I’ve always been partial to this one: “If you’re in a time machine zipping into the future, and you encounter someone in a time machine zipping into the past, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.”
The great thing about this one is that if you think about it you realize, yeah, it probably is.
Actually, that one was from Emo Philips
And as long as I’ve posted to this thread, I’ll mention, as I always do, that most of the lines Jack Handey became famous for in the 1990s appeared in a “Last Word” column by him in OMNI magazine circa 1982.
He coasted a loooong time on that column…
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
Oh, me too. But I also like:
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
My doggy is part chihuahua.
Also:
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.