I read this one recently on someone’s sig:
Imagine a world without war, without hate. And imagine us invading that world. They would never see it coming.
(paraphrased, not exact, yo)
It’s Jack Handy.
“Isn’t it sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves?” heh. Yes, Jack, it is.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Every time I see an old lady slip and fall on the ice, my first impulse is to laugh, but then I think, “What if I were an ant crawling on the ice?” Then I wouldn’t think it was so funny.
If you ever drop your keys in a volcano, let 'em go, cause man, they’re gone.
I told my nephew I was taking him to Disneyland, but instead I drove to a burned down warehouse. “Oh no!” I said, “Disneyland burned down!” He cried and cried, and I laughed and laughed. I was going to take him to the real Disneyworld, but by that time, it was getting pretty late.
I was walking in the woods and I came across a skull. I wondered, who was this man? How did he die? Did he love his life? And why does he have antlers?
(Hope I don’t mangle this one too much in paraphrasing…)
Whenever I see a small black creature flying across a room and attach itself to someone’s neck, I just have to laugh because, what is that thing?
Oh crap! I didn’t see that extra ‘y’! Argh!
When life gives you lemons, you should go out and kill someone with the lemons.
If you ever fall out of a building, you should make yourself go limp like a dummy, because people might look up and try to catch you, because hey, free dummy!
A famous man once asked “Would we be so cavilier to cut down trees if they screamed?” I think we would, especially if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in the genitals.
If dogs ever take over the world and they have to choose a king, I hope they don’t base it on size alone, because there are probably some Chihuahuas with some good ideas, too.
Marta got offended when I used the word “puke”, but to me that’s what her cooking tasted like.
paraphrazed…
You know, they say one in five people in the world is Chinese. There are five people in my family. Maybe one of them is Chinese. Maybe its my brother Billy, or my sister Kate, or my other brother Ho Chi Chen. I bet its Billy.
ROTF LMAO
sorry, I have nothing new to contribute, I can’t remember any of 'em.
“I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake.”
“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”
"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. "
You know what I think would make a real good gift for the President? A chocolate gun. Of course, since he’s a busy man, I’ll have to run up to him really fast to hand it to him.
There’s another one about a poison feather that really, really got me one time… crapola, can’t recall it.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
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- “I think that if you were skydiving and your chute didn’t open and your friends were watching, a funny thing to do would be to pretend you were swimming.”
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- “My son asked me once, ‘What is rain?’ and I said ‘Rain is God crying.’ and he asked ‘Why is God crying?’ and I said ‘It’s probably because of something you did.’” - MC
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Very, very hard to answer the switchboard whilst trying not to pee myself with laughter. I can’t remember any new ones very well except:
What if there was a happy clown but inside he was a sad clown and had bad diarrhea.
Since “what is that thing?” and the screaming trees have already appeared, I’ll have to go with:
You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime,to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
I have different version of the deer horn one:
“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did
was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I
picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and
why he had deer horns.”
I use it as my sig at work