A friend of mine e-mailed me these today, and I thought they were hilarious.
I’m sure manny of you have heard/seen these before, and I was hoping that you all could add some more.
I love these deep thoughts, they make me shake when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly… or maybe it’s the all double-bacon-onion-ring-extra cheese burgers.
Whatever.
Can you add more deep thoughts? Make them up, take them from somewhere, I don’t care.
My personal favorite that I saw on SNL was this:
If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, just let 'em go, cause man, they’re gone!
These are those that my friend sent today:
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I
can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am
now.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all
day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. I
was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks
all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes back
inside the hat is at least a decade away.
Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the
summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big
bag full of blood.
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pine cone?
That way, he learns that “wishing” isn’t going to save our national
forests.
Somebody told me how frightening is was how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
If you see an animal and you can’t tell if it’s a skunk or a cat, here’s a
good saying to help: "Black and white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored,
likes a fella.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but
listen to yourself!
I’d like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because
it would finally establish a “tap barrier,” and we could move on from
there.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
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I love it! 