Deep thoughts

It occured to me this afternoon that it takes awhile to be completely separated from your child. The physical separation of birth is just the first step. You spend the next two months holding the baby almost constantly. In my case he slept with me for the first month as well. He’s nine weeks old and I’m just now beginning to win some independance.

Now that I’ve written this, it doesn’t seem so profound as it did when it first hit my brain.

Anyone have other epiphanies they’d like to share?

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Not really epiphanies of my own, but pretty Deep Thoughts[sup]TM[/sup] nonetheless.

Happy, Jack Handy fan

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be “Clark Kent, Dentist,” because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, “How’s my back tooth?” and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, “Oh it’s okay,” then the patient would probably say, “Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid?” and you’d say, “Aw fuck you, get outta here,” and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.

Awesome thread…

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disney Land, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disney Land burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disney Land, but it was getting pretty late.

It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. But we didn’t sell many glasses, and after a few hours, we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn’t give a damn about you or anything you do.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”

Everyone always has this hicups. Sometimes they’re just very far apart.

It’s hard to fill a bicycle horn with butterscotch sauce, but under the right circumstances, it’s worth it.

  1. Why do we call a fly a fly? Why not birdsect? According to this logic, shouldn’t a spider be called a ‘spin’, and a beetle called a ‘crawl’ and a snake called a ‘slither’ and a human called a ‘walk’ and, and, and…

  2. Telephones, telegraphs, telecommunications, all of these are two way deals… Does that mean someone’s watching us through our televisions?

  3. There are cows everywhere, and they’re not particularly ferocious, or even intelligent, so why is leather so bloody expensive?

If I lived in midieval times, and I worked on a catapult, people might be coming up to me and asking “Hey, can’t this thing go any farther?”

And I’d say: “No sir, that’s as far as it goes.”

I saw Rebecca, my ex-girlfriend, the other night. Gee, it was so nice to see her and what she looks like now and to touch her and just think about the old days, and I don’t really see why there had to be all that fuss about with the police and authorities and stuff. I mean, hell, no-one was interested when I offered to pay for the exhumation.

I was going to fill in a subscription form to ‘Psychic News’, but then I figured, wait a minute, they ought to know I want it.

Practical jokes are great, aren’t they? And I don’t even think it’s actually illegal to do this: I’va stipulated in my will that I want to be cremated, not buried. And just before I die I’m gonna swallow as many firecrackers as I can.

I think they should make dictionaries easier to use. They should include an index.

Pens work just fine, don’t they? I don’t think we really need pencils at all. I think it’s just a huge con perpetrated by the people who make pencil sharpeners.

They call it wallpaper, but frankly, once I’ve paid for it, I think it’s up to me where I choose to put it.

I’m very disappointed that you can try all you like, but you can’t make any other word out of the letters in ‘anagram’.

I was watching a 1983 movie the other night, ‘Flashdance’, starring Jennifer Beals. This was about an incredibly beautiful young girl who works as a welder by day, but at night she goes back to her huge loft-style apartment with an empty floor about half a mile long where she practises her fantastic dance moves, because that’s her passion, see? And she wants to get into ballet school but she doesn’t have the right training but then at the audition she stuns the panel with her incredible, original, dazzling mix of athletic jumps and crazy moves and so they let her in anyway. And just towards the end there was this scene where the boom microphone crept into shot, and for me that killed the realism.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset, with a beautiful rose in his beak, and he’s carrying a beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

Ianzin: “And just before I die I’m gonna swallow as many firecrackers as I can.”

Is there a cause-and-effect thing going on here?

It occured to me that when I die, I’ll never get to know what happens to our species (ahem, humans, that is, in case anyone was wondering). That’s kinda depressing.

Sorry, didn’t realise that sig was so long; have deleted it.