My favorite (paraphrasing): "Mankind has always been a mystery. To solve the mystery, we can look at the word itself: mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two smaller words, “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
Jack Handy is the most wretched excuse for comedy I have ever seen.
God, I feel like a troll now. I just had to say it though.
“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.”
“If you ever drop your car keys in a river of molten lava, just let 'em go. 'Cause man - they’re gone.”
Oh man, I have about a million:
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.”
“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says “You”. After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”
and
“Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke”. But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.”
My favourite
How about –
“The face of a child can say a lot – especially the mouth part of the face.”
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Tee-hee!
I like:
“I believe in making the world safer for our children, but not for our children’s children,beacuse I don’t think children should be having sex”
“I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins or something. Cuz, then do you hide from it or not?”
and
Paraphrased:
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
We can laugh at the beliefs of our ancestors, but we can’t laugh in their faces, and that’s what really bugs me.
and
and:
and I have a soft spot for:
Consider the daffodil. And while you do, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff.
There’s an email list you can subscribe to called “Ruminations”, a blatant Handy ripoff. But it’s pretty funny sometimes.
Send mail to:
ruminations-subscribe@topica.com
to subscribe.
It’s very easy to unsubscribe, so give it a shot.
Damn, Anthracite took mine! But this is my second favorite:
“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.”
3rd: “If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised.”
4th: “If G-d dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!”
My two favorites are… (paraphrased)
“I hope no one ever tries to take a dog on the space shuttle, because when he sticks his head out the winow, I bet his face burns up.”
“I told my nephew we were driving to Disney Land. We drove past an old farmhouse that had just burned to the ground. 'Uh-oh,” I said. ‘Disney Land burned down.’
He started crying, but deep down inside, I think he thought it was a good joke."
[paraphrasing] I imagine a world of peace, a world without war, and then I imagine us invading them because they’d never expect it. [/paraphrasing]