I am always looking for good quotes to keep people entertained at work. Please share with me a quote or two that you find to be uplifting or just plain funny…thanks!
I’m not sure this is something you can throw out in conversation, but I’ve used it as a sig line off and on:
“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.” --Cicero
(In general, I think Cicero was a tool, but … he could write.)
Why do you laugh? Change the name and the story is told of you.
Always loved this quote.
I recently heard one of David Carradine’s “10 rules to live by”:
“Don’t ever buy anything from a guy who’s out of breath.”
“A typical accident. He was polishing a gun from his collection, which he didn’t know was loaded, and pulled the trigger by mistake. The bullet entered his skull causing a severe headache which he attempted to alleviate by taking a bottle of sleeping pills. When this didn’t work, he went to the window to call for help. The window was stuck so he attempted to pry it open with a switchblade knife. It flew open suddenly causing him to lose his balance. He tried to keep from falling out by tying the drape around his neck but it gave way… he fell to the street and stabbed himself in the back with the knife he was holding. We see this kind of accident every day in our line of work, miss.”
~ A Mad Look At Old Movies - “The Case Of The Murderer Who Killed”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying.”
- Woody Allen
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. - Jack Handey
“Never allow children to mix drinks. It’s unseemly, and they use too much vermouth.”
– Fran Lebowitz
“I always think, there might be someone out there in the stands who’s never seen me play.”
- Joe DiMaggio, later in his career, when asked by a reporter why he hustled so hard turning a single into a double in a game when the pennant had already been decided.
Shoot for the stars and hit the mud, shoot for the mud and make it.
My personal favorite quote comes from the great Willy Wonka.
“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”
A friend of mine shared with me, when I was getting stressed about work: “don’t take it too seriously. If it was really important they wouldn’t have put you in charge of it.”
To be thought half as good as a man a woman must work twice as hard. Fortuneately this is not difficult.
or
Of course I don’t look as busy as the men! I did it right the first time.
or
Science has discovered something that can do the work of one hundred men…fifty women!
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don’t think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
Terry Pratchett
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett
“A tangerine is an orange that didn’t want it bad enough. Don’t be a tangerine.”
Came across this one while looking for a back of shirt quote for the cross country team I help coach.
I’m not rude; you’re just insignificant.
Everyone wants to go to Heaven but no one wants to die.
Post-9/11 graffiti: “Dear God, save us from the people who believe in you.”
and
Bette Davis, in The Corn is Green: “That man is so stupid, he wears it like a halo.”
Betty White in Lake Placid to the local sheriff: “This is the part where if I had a dick I’d tell you to suck it!”
My current favorite for motivation: “You’re never ‘ready;’ it’s just your turn.” Ty Murray
My perennial favorite for de-motivation: “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.” Matt Groening.