There is one from George Carlin that goes something like “You wouldn’t believe how stupid the average person is. But what’s worse is, half the people are even dumber than that!”
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Three favorites for me:
While you can’t stay young forever, you can be immature your whole life
Don’t worry about pissing off anyone you can outrun
Better to ask foregiveness than permission
Amended to “Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a blog.”
Also ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, and it doesn’t help.’
“Forget the Force. Trust in the spread of the gauge.” - The book Born to Run.
“Everything that is not nailed down is mine. And anything I can pry up is not nailed down.”–Collis Huntington, founder of the Southern Pacific Railroad
“Even a clock that doesn’t run is right twice a day.”
Don’t pray in our schools and we won’t think in your churches.
“The ancient Greeks didn’t write obituaries: they only wanted to know if you had a passion.”
I guess it’s only uplifting or inspiring if you have a passion. It makes me stop and think about how we give our lives meaning and shape our identities with what we do and what we love.
“Be kind to your children, for they will choose your nursing home.”
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
I’m sure I’ll come up with more, but that’s all I have at the moment . . .
A kick in the ass leads to a step in the right direction.
I’m not sure what the exact quote is, but I always repeat it as… “stop for a minute and think about how dumb the average person is, and then realize that half the people are even dumber than that.”
“… but even the Emperor himself cannot buy another day.” Chinese proverb
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
~Steven Wright
In England, if something goes wrong – say, if one finds a skunk in the garden – he writes to the family solicitor, who proceeds to take the proper measures; whereas in American, you telephone the fire department. Each satisfies a characteristic need; in the English, love of order, and legalistic procedure; and here in America what you like is something vivid, and red, and swift.
~Alfred North Whitehead
I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I’m in the wrong building.
~Charles M Schulz
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
~Groucho Marx
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
~Mel Brooks
Go jogging? What, and get hit by a meteor?
~Robert Benchley
Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him you’re a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.
:dubious: As an American, I’d call Animal Control. But more importantly, exactly what is a lawyer meant to do about a skunk (at a lawyer’s hourly rate, no less)? If that’s a plausible British reaction, I have to admit to being baffled.
That was my thought, too. Who the hell calls either a lawyer or the fire department for a skunk? Loving this thread, though.
I’m not old. Your music really does suck.
You’re like school on sunday: you ain’t got no class! -Tairrie B/My Ruin
“I’ll come and make love to you at five o’clock. If I’m late start without me.”