I hope I die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, hmmm, boy.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be ‘Clark Kent, Dentist,’ because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said: How’s my back tooth? and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said: Oh it’s okay, then the patient would probably say: Aren’t you going to take an X-ray, stupid? and you’d say: Aw &*$# you, get outta here, and then he probably wouldn’t even pay his bill.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is: God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is: Probably because of something you did.
And I’ve always loved these ones. He’s so caring about ants… -
I was searching for the one jovan quoted on Google, and the first hit was JoeyHemlock’s livejournal! :eek:
All my other favorites were mentioned already. 
Rose
Oh sweet Jesus I am laughing so hard! 
There are some interesting pre-SNL deep thoughts, including one of my faves (paraphrased): "The prince stood on his balcony. “Who will teach me about anger?” he said. “Fuck You!” someone yelled. “Okay, that’s good. Now, who will teach me about algebra?” "
-Myron
One of my faves I only saw once
“I bit into the apple, savoring it juicy taste, its supple glowing skin and rich chewy inside. It was then I realized it was a human head.”
Heath Doolin, you beat me to my favorite by a couple of minutes.
So out of a petty sense of revenge, I am going to post the actual Deep Thought.
“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!”
Ha ha! Revenge is sweet!
(So why do I feel so empty inside?)
Here’s some that predate SNL by years, back when Handey had a last-page monthly column in OMNI, surprisingly called “Deep Thoughts”:
“I’ll bet there are more bad things done in the name of ‘progress’ than anything else. One time, I stole a car and drove it into the desert and burned it. When they caught me I said, “Hey, progress.” Man, did I have a lot to learn.”
“It’s somewhat scary to think that there is an entire world around us that we can’t even see. I’m speaking of the world of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.”
“It’s sad that entire families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.”
I’ve always been partial to:
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
or
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “DisneyLand burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
“marta talks a lot about sensuality, but i don’t think she’d know it if it bit her on the ass.”
I’ve always heard this attributed to Matt Groening (“Love is Hell”). After all, Jack’s said this :
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?
You know why he likes ants, Joyfulgirl? He’s not afraid of them, that’s why :
I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
(also, we don’t like being called ‘ants’).
Not that fear isn’t useful :
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”
My favorites (aside from Disneyland & ‘free dummy’):
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
And of course :
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
I have “I’d rather be rich than stupid.” printed on my checks. Now how’s that for love?
Sometimes I think Santa Claus and Superman are the same person. Both wear red, both fly, and both have beards.
That one, and the Disneyland one. Man, what a terrific thread!!
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
My sig used to be: “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!”
I thought I was being cleverly obscure.
Here’s another one paraphrased from a Deep Thoughts card an ex-girlfriend sent me:
Sometimes I think I’d like to have a tragic love affair and drop out and become a bum, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
This one has always been my favorite:
To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
I forgot to mention that my 80 year old grandmother sent me a lovely card once for my birthday or something. It has a picture of a lovely sunset and this text:
Whenever anyone says “I can’t,” it makes me wish he’d get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says “I’ll try,” five thousand bees. (“I can,” one bee.)