Not to want to bring up the term “meme” again, but I kind of have to – a person by that name is the subject of this thread.
Meme (pronounced “Mimi”) is my girlfriend’s mother. Two years ago, she was doing some housework around her assisted living home, and tried closing a dresser drawer with her knee. She ended up hurting her knee so badly, she ended up in the hospital. A bruised and swollen knee turned into pneumonia, pneumonia turned into heart failure (7 heart attacks in the space of a few weeks), and generally she’s a mess. She has not been back to her home ever since. She can barely stay awake for more than 2 hours per day, she can’t get into her wheelchair without the help of 2 orderlies, and she can barely feed herself. She is in constant pain, and the spectre of death haunts her all the time.
But that is not my rant.
My rant is about the nursing home. For which she is paying $8000 per month for care. To the staff there:
You’ve been told this many times, but it bears repeating: When Meme is acting bitchy, it’s because she’s scared and is afraid that she is going to die a horrible, painful death, and no one there will be around to care or even notice. The woman is not an idiot. From what I’ve seen, that’s a distinct possibility. But if you want to stop her from bitching, all you have to do is show a little empathy. It takes 30 seconds, costs you nothing, and gets her off your back.
As I said, the woman is not an idiot. She’s not ignoring you, she can’t hear you. She reads lips. When you turn away from her and mumble, don’t get pissed at her and treat her like a willful child. This just robs her of more dignity. There is a sign above her bed reminding you to face her and speak up. She can read lips. Can you fucking read at all?
Stop stealing her stuff!
“I couldn’t find a cup” is no excuse. That’s just laziness. When my girlfriend went in to see Meme last Sunday, she found that Meme had not had a drop to drink all day. This was around 2pm! Do you not know what dehydration could do? As for getting her a cup – my girlfriend took a walk down to the next ward, and looked into the kitchen. Lo and behold, hundreds of cups! It took her 3 minutes. Are you so fucking lazy that you’d rather let an old lady suffer than take a short walk?
There is another sign above her bed – “Meme needs to be on oxygen all the time.” If this is not enough of a reminder, there is a fucking oxygen machine right next to her bed. How much more of a fucking clue do you need to get? When you put her to bed, hook her up with some O2. Rocket science, I know, but yathink you could take that enormous leap of logic and give the woman some air?
Lastly, when her daughters remind you of these things (in the tactful way that they do), do not make excuses. (“If she needs oxygen, she should ring her call button.”) Do not blame her. (“She just wants attention.”) And do not blame her daughters. (“She gets like this when you show up.”)
Yes, my girlfriend will see to it today that you get written up. Failing that, she will go to the chief physician. Failing that, she will go to the state and get you shut down. All because you can’t be bothered to get her a drink and some air.
I can’t even imagine scrimping and saving my whole life, just to squander it away, $8000 at a time, for the purpose of being held in pain and indignity while waiting to die an unimaginably horrible death. :mad:
Thanks. I don’t get to see Meme very often, but I go when I can. For some odd reason (I don’t know why, perhaps because she’s extremely delusional?), she thinks I’m some sort of hot burnin’ hunk o’ man meat. If I go visit, hold her hand for a while, and give her a kiss, she’s beaming for days. I’d like to think that by doing so, I’m purchasing a few more days for her.
Oh yeah. I think the worst of it is the indignity bit. All of the residents are treated like children. Their “library” is the saddest collection of lame “fluffy bunny” books imaginable. “Upsetting” books are not allowed. Doctors won’t tell them the truth about their conditions. And when they act up, they’re treated like brats.
Oh I forgot to mention one more complaint: When you put in her hearing aids, please put them in the correct ears. They are clearly marked. Even if you are a complete moron, you should be able to get it right 50% of the time. How you mange to due so far less is a mystery. And I know that this is a difficult concept, but hearing aids work far better with good batteries than with dead batteries. Putzes.
$8000.00 a month! Your girlfriend should go straight to the administrator and Meme’s physician and complain. Then she should start looking around for another nursing home.
I work at a private pay facility where we give our patients the best of care for $95.00 a day. We keep our costs low because we do not deal with Medicare or Medicaid and since Meme can afford to pay for good care, she should be getting it.
I don’t know what state you are in but here in Texas, all it takes is a simple phone call to get the State Department of Human Services all over a facility. You might also contact the Elder Abuse division of the local Social Services Department.
Be sure you visit Meme at odd times. No reputable Nursing Home will object. Good nursing Homes will welcome you.
What I detest is the home that my friends Deb and Jamie were looking at for their parents would not let them share a room, or have anything personal like photos in frames, potted plants, a tv, dvd and selection of movies, their own books …
I didnt know that needing light medical care turned you into prisoners in the local jail… what are they afraid of, a couple that have been married more than 40 years possibly sharing some personal time together? I hate the idea of mrAru and I getting into that situation!
Oops, I may have made an error. Instead of $8000, it may be $4000. One or the other, now I’m not sure. Still, even $4000 is pretty outrageous for that treatment.
I think at this place you can have photos and plants (not sure about frames and pots). But spouses can’t even be in the same wing. I can sort of see how some people might want gender privacy, but can you imagine not being allowed to be in the same room as someone you have been married to for 60 years?
We encourage our residents to bring in their own furniture, put pictures on the wall and we have a small library of new, large print popular novels in this Nursing Home. We keep couples together, except in rare circumstances when one spouse may be a danger to the other (it happens, especially with Alzheimer’s). We have even arranged for one of the residents to hook up his computer in his room. Nursing Homes do not have to be run like prisons and patients should be treated with respect, compassion and dignity. There are good ones out there, don’t settle for less.
Oy. I say file anonymous reports with the local news there. Nothing like unwanted attention to improve competency. Might not come in time for Meme but it would benefit those who follow.
I second the idea of carefully documenting the problems in a calm, factual and rational manner and advising the state agency in charge of licensing the facility. Chances are, the facility also accepts Medicaid, which puts them under additional guidelines and inspections. Report the specific shortcomings.
I agree with what others have said. Tell someone about this, the local board of health, the local television news or newspaper, someone! That business about you coming to see her at 2:00 pm only to learn she hadn’t had a drink all day is cruel. Surely it must be illegal?! The same for depriving her of oxygen. And this is the best care in the area?
Please, give it a shot. I don’t like people being tortured, and I don’t believe growing older means one must give up one’s rights to be treated with courtesy and dignity.
A concerned family here left a hidden MP3 recorder with their elderly relative. When they retrieved it, they found it contained descriptions of really outrageous abuses like scaring the patients and so forth. They made it available to the press and it blew up into a gigantic scandal.
Here’s another resource. Chances are the facility is involved with Medicare, Medicaid or both. These federal programs require regular monitoring for compliance to certain care standards as a condition of receiving money. The administration of the actual program is, IIRC, done at the state level.
There are also reports available from which you can find out about a facility’s record of compliance, complaints, etc. You can also make an official complaint or ask for an investigation. Here is a place to start.
It’s fortunate that she has her daughter and you.
I don’t get to see Meme very often, but I go when I can. For some odd reason (I don’t know why, perhaps because she’s extremely delusional?), she thinks I’m some sort of hot burnin’ hunk o’ man meat. If I go visit, hold her hand for a while, and give her a kiss, she’s beaming for days. I’d like to think that by doing so, I’m purchasing a few more days for her.