I have no idea how old this is; I just accidentally found it on my old computer. I may even have gotten it here. Oh, and please don’t complain about “stereotypes.”
- You truly don’t care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
- You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
- You can call anyone “honey” including pets.
- You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
- You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
- You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
- You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit.
- You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
- You really have “been there, done that.”
- Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
- You’re the only type of male who gets to say “fabulous.”
- You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
- You can have naked men you don’t know in your home.
- You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
- You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
- You understand why the good Lord didn’t intend everyone to wear it.
- You know how to get back at just about everyone.
- You only wear polyester when you mean to.
- You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
- You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
- You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
- You’ve always got an opinion.
- You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
- You know how to dress strategically.
- Your car has an amusing female name.
- You’re the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
- You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
- If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
- You know that sex complicates things. So?
- You know that being called a slut isn’t actually an insult.
- There’s a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
- Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
- You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
- You have at least one movie musical on video.
- You’re not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
- You’re embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
- You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
- You know how to make an entrance.
- You know when to make an exit.
- You worry about people you don’t even know - like Liza Minnelli.
- You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
- You know how to program your VCR.
- You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
- You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales
- You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
- Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
- You know when to play dumb.
- You know what to do for a hangover.
- Yes, you do have a condom.
- You’ve called someone “girlfriend” who is neither a girl nor a friend.
- One or more of the following apply to you: a) You adore Judy Garland b) You hate Judy Garland c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland. d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland. e) You don’t give a damn about Judy Garland. f) Who is Judy Garland?
- You can supply the last names to the following list: a) Bernadette b) Chita c) Barbra
- You made Donna Summer a star.
- You made Donna Summer a has-been.
- Tanning salons were invented for you.
- You’ve made sunbathing a performance art.
- You know when the party’s over.
- You know where to go after the party’s over.
- You’re fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
- When you hear “a stitch in time saves nine” you think of a) Your grandma b) Your face lift c) John Wayne Bobbit
- You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
- Your roommate can be your roommate and not your “roommate.”
- You know that referring to someone as “a real lady” isn’t necessarily a compliment.
- Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
- You know that the most important part of a party’s decor is the catering staff.
- If your cat is a female, you swear it’s a lesbian.
- If your cat is a male, you swear it’s a lesbian.
- You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like “Stand By Your Man.”
- You’ve been to a bris, a bar mitzvah, a christening, a first communion, and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
- You’ll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
- A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
- You have a favorite Disney character and it’s usually a nasty one.
- You’ve left someone totally speechless.
- You’ve shaved something other than your face.
- All your friends do not have to “get along”.
- You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
- Your love handles are actually used as such.
- When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
- You’ve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
- You’ve got the most interesting coffee table books.
- You know where to find a meat rack and it ain’t in your kitchen drawer.
- You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
- At some moment in your life you’ve envisioned having back-up girls.
- You know your enemies.
- After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he’s right there in the shower.
- You’re Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan.
- You know that Barbra Streisand’s biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
- Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you’ve added side dishes.
- You know that “small talk” can be about spirituality or politics, and “important issues” can be about hair.
- You’ve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
- Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
- You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
- You know, by heart, every line in: a) All about Eve b) Steel Magnolias c) Your face
- You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
- You have 9412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 8136 are non-verbal.
- You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
- You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
- Even if you’re in Kansas, you’re not in Kansas anymore.
- You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
- When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.