101 Uses for a Dead Squirrel
-
Skewer it with a sharp stick. Place it on top of the cabin to use as a weather vane.
-
Use its cute fuzzy tail as an abrasive to scrub nasty grime off of your BBQ grill.
-
Pry tops off beer bottles with his rigor mortis stiffened lower jaw.
-
The tail makes an excellent eye shadow applicator.
-
Squirrel bodies are just the right size to use as a chalk board eraser.
-
Affix a bell to his tail. Hang him beside your front door to welcome visitors.
-
Squirrels - the reusable toilet paper.
-
Holding the squirrel firmly by the midsection will allow you to use him as a back scratcher.
-
Mix well with herbs and a nice dark sherry, they really do taste like chicken.
-
Fill body cavity with catnip and give as a gift to your favorite kitty.
-
Flex his limbs into a “natural” tree hugging pose. Place your beer into his empty little arms. Voila.
-
As an exciting entertainment item at your next party - Squirrel pinatas! They’re challenging.
-
No Dodge Caravan is complete without a squirrel hood ornament.
-
If you’re lucky enough to have a set of dead squirrels, use them as bedroom slippers.
-
Remove his feet. Use them as toothpicks.
-
(Un)lucky squirrel foot key chains.
-
Shave his little body and sell its fur to Hair Club for Men. Sorry, only available in gray.
-
Two words - squirrel kabob.
-
Tire chocks for steep driveways.
-
Place into small container of kool-aid with tail sticking out. Freeze. Squirrel Pops.
-
They make cute, though unnerving tub stoppers.
-
Mount them upon a long pole for an effective chimney sweep.
-
The perfect April Fools prank, the old stick-a-squirrel-in-the-tailpipe trick.
-
Squirrel skin caps, for the very small minded individual.
-
Squirrel - the other, “other” white meat.
-
Mount his little body next to the door to hold your keys.
-
They make wonderful wedding gifts, but are somewhat hard to wrap.
-
Recipe for a hot day: one dead squirrel, can of Coke, ice cream… squirrel float.
-
Kill eleven more squirrels, wait a million years until they’re petrified. Place upright in an English field. Charge visitors to see “Squirrelhenge”.
-
Tails are excellent for cleaning the barrels of BB guns.
-
Paperweight.
-
Replace your mouse on your computer with the squirrel. Be careful when attaching wires.
-
Bend tail at a 90 degree angle to clean the blades on ceiling fans.
-
Squirrels make great alligator bait. Just ask Spurrier.
-
Are you out of Styrofoam packing peanuts? Use dead squirrels to protect valuables.
-
Paint him pink and put him next to the plastic flamingo in the front yard.
-
Give him a college degree and he’ll pass for a UF grad.
-
Stitch a stapler into his body cavity. To use stapler, just bop Chipper on the little head.
-
Insert tiny flashlight into him and let children use him as a safety light while trick-or-treating.
-
Dead squirrels make great clothes pins.
-
Iron him flat. Frame him. Tell your art loving friends you were in your “Fur” period.
-
Paint him silver, cover in glitter. Place him under your bug light for a cool redneck disco look.
-
Dye his hair blue. Freeze solid. Use in coolers to keep those beers icy cold.
-
Harness two dead squirrels together to replace a Hyundai engine.
-
Inflate. Use as a whoopee cushion.
-
Toilet bowl brush.
-
Superglue tiny antlers to his head. Take photos. Sell them to Yankee tourists.
-
Screw a light bulb into his mouth. Stick tail into sockets to test voltage.
-
Use as ammo for potato cannon. Hunt for Bullwinkle. He likes squirrels.
-
Use as marital aid.
-
Place 10 together on a piece of dowel rod. Use as abacus.
-
The all natural Sanitary Napkin.
-
Never buy Q-tips again.
-
Use his stiff little arm to play your Alvin and the Chipmunks 45s.
-
Set of two makes imaginative salt and pepper shakers.
-
Place a straw into his mouth. Tuck squirrel under your arm. Bagpipes.
-
Buy a leash and collar. Cheap low maintenance pets for college students.
-
Mount his head on a pike as a warning to other squirrels.
-
Put his lifeless little body on the bird feeder as a decoy…
-
Put nuts into his mouth. Pump tail. Nutcracker-a-matic.
-
Use his chiseled teeth as an ice pick.
-
Flatten and place at the front door to clean mud from your shoes.
-
Bend at 90 degree angle for a squirrel-o-rang. They ALWAYS come back.
-
Stuff him full of narcotics to smuggle drugs over the border.
-
Turn him upside down on the coffee table. He’s an adorable ashtray holder.
-
Firmly grasp both hind legs in your hands. Use him to dowse for water.
-
Environmentally friendly Pez dispenser.
-
Use his claws as a paper shredder. Works especially well to remove wallpaper.
-
Toss one into the dryer with your laundry. Keeps clothes woodland fresh.
-
Hang one from your rearview mirror. Be the envy of every Cuban in Miami.
-
Plant feet in concrete and throw into the East River as a reminder to other Mafia Squirrels.
-
Mount in front yard with a small lantern in his paws for the newest in lawn jockeys.
-
Get him a social security number and claim him as a dependant.
-
Christmas tree ornament
-
Stand in an upright position for an over-sized golf tee.
-
Use as a ‘tail’ on a kite.
-
Replace your bathroom scale. If you step on the squirrel and it explodes, it’s time to lose weight.
-
If you’re out of matches, rub two dead squirrels together to start a fire.
-
Go back to nature if you have little to hide. The squirrel loin cloth.
-
Mount on cars to use as a curb feeler.
-
Flatten the body, but leave the head intact. A truly classy bookmark.
-
Decorative center piece at the next PETA dinner.
-
Valuable commodities for bartering with the Clampetts.
-
Set squirrels next to furniture to prevent you from stubbing your toes in the dark.
-
Makes excellent pasta server.
-
Put vegetables into his mouth. Crank tail to use as salad shooter.
-
Can be used as a body/brain double for Al Gore.
-
Iron into rectangle. Cut out center to use a photo frame.
-
Fill with MORE lead shot to use as a boat anchor.
-
Mount on a long stick to use as a garden rake.
-
Fasten firmly to bathroom walls to hang wet towels.
-
Warm in microwave. Use in place of hot water bottles.
-
Tails are especially good for cleaning hubcaps.
-
Dip into ink well and use as fountain pen.
-
Wear as a stole to your next cocktail party.
-
Warm him in the oven to serve as an appetizer for a snake.
-
Featherless duster.
-
Wear him on a string around your neck. Tell your friends you kill all your own clothes.
-
Functional wallet or purse.
-
Tie a satin ribbon on him then fill with potpourri. Martha Stewart eat your heart out.
-
Start your own maggot farm.
