All right, as promised! Better late than dead! 
General notes:
- I really don’t understand at all what the hell the protocol for “isn’t supposed to be subtitled” is. I would’ve appreciated knowing what that first torchbearer said, along with the song lyrics.
- By far the worst parts were every time NBC blowhards were flapping their lips. Commenting, doing interviews (the banality was borderline sumo level), attempting to explain stuff, it was all the same. Reimu help me, when Kelly Clarkson started yowling like a drunken cat during the death metal bit, I wanted to slap her. Even Mike Tirico…Mike Tirico!..got on my last nerve.
- Mixed feelings on bringing in the athletes on boats. On one hand, it was a very nice visual image, especially with the different types of watercraft. On the other hand, I thought the whole point of the parade of nations was getting people of all nations, colors, parties, religions etc. together. If you’re an Israeli who can’t be around Arabs, a Japanese who can’t be around Koreans, a Christian who can’t be around Muslims, etc. you have no place here. The boats separate everyone, which I feel goes against this spirit.
Stephen Spielberg introduction - He’s both a living legend and an extraordinarily decent human being (plus he made Tiny Toon Adventures, one of the best cartoons ever! 
). Didn’t say anything profound, but I welcome his presence anytime.
Running story with that Arno Dorian expy - I will never fault anyone for trying to do something fun and imaginative. Nowadays it seems anything even remotely unusual gets immediately flooded with “WTF” this and “cringe” that, to the point where even huge media companies have been cowed into staying in their lane. Screw that. Give me statues coming to life and hidden worlds and a balloon trip into space and ziplining across several blocks any day. Big thumbs up!
Lady Gaga - That is by far the most conservative getup I’ve seen her in. I was actually a bit surprised.
Can can dancers - One thing I never understood was, since exposing the underwear is a vital component of this dance, why didn’t anyone ever design a skirt with no front? Y’know, like the ones you used to see in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? Would make it easier, is all I’m saying. Anyway, it was silly, goofy, floofy fun like it should be. The lack of coordination didn’t bother me.
Construction worker dancers - As someone who also earned everything he got in life, I loved it. The French don’t need pretty costumes to put on a show.
Decapitated heads held by their headless bodies singing to pounding death metal, lots of pyro, and blood-red streamers pouring out of windows - My favorite part of the ceremony. 
Pole acrobats - Oh my lady, that looks harrowing. Beautiful and graceful, yes, but harrowing.
Romantic library pierrots - Cute! 
(As I’m neither a pierrot nor a repressed joyless reactionary Bible-thumper whose purpose in life is to ruin everything for everyone, I can’t really give an elaborate analysis of this particular subject.)
Aya Nakamura - Never heard of her; sounds decent enough. I’m still a bit amazed that crotch grabbing, which was absolutely scandalous when Michael Jackson first did it, is practically a required element now. I remember watching a block of music videos on MTV a while back, and everyone crotch grabbed. Everyone.
Piano number - As a gen-Xer, who thus associates the piano primarily with tyrannical parents, endless misery, freakish expectations, the absolute abdication of all reason, and roughly ten presidential campaigns’ worth of BS, yes, performing that flawlessly in front of the world, especially under those weather conditions, is nothing short of astounding, and my hat is off to whoever that was since NBC certainly couldn’t be arsed to tell us. 
The Minions - Given what the alt-right has become, seeing a group of completely interchangable useless self-centered hotheaded babbling morons royally screw up but harm only themselves was a real treat. 
Operatic national anthem - Eh. I’m no nativist. Take it or leave it.
Opera singer in white - Pretty good; would’ve appreciated a higher camera angle.
Rapper - Poetry recitation is poetry recitation.
Fashion walk - Liked what I could make of it, but the editing was way too disjointed. Like, America’s Got Talent level.
Group dance - Liked. Wished it were longer.
Imagine, by John Lennon and Yoko Ono - Oh, hey, it’s the woman who slightly accelerated the completely inevitable and predictable breakup of the Beatles 54 years ago. 
I have mostly the same sentiment as when Cher was announced for the Dancing With The Stars season 28 finale: "Holy crap, she’s still around?" Ono’s voice wasn’t quite up to professional standard, but all things considered she did perfectly okay. Also, that piano was burning far too strongly for anyone to make any kind of massive honking deal about some little bitty shower. 
Clip montage - I usually fast-forward through these because they’re just so predictable now, especially when NBC is at the helm. Oh, look, Kerri Strug landing that painful vault was the only thing that happened during the 1996 women’s team all-around, who knew? 
Balloon torch - Well, it’s…different? 
Overall, other than the parts where the NBC crew was endlessly spewing out irritating crap and all the stupid editorial decisions, it was a great show! In stark contrast to Tokyo (Carpentry? Really?), I really got the sense of a great, grand, colorful, beautiful, eclectic, vibrant land which people from all around the world would flock to. There’s a reason France is at the forefront of any discussion about any of the nice things in the world…art, romance, fashion, color, spectacle, food, wine, scenery…and I got to see it all.
Probably wouldn’t have gone with Arno Dorian, given that he’s from arguably the worst PS4 game ever, but minor quibble. 
