5-year-old son wearing my underclothing

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m a mom to a 5-year-old boy. In the last couple of weeks I’ve caught him several times sneaking into my bedroom, and putting on my underclothing. I have not actually seen him in my things but I have found my underpants on the floor, balled up in such a way that I can tell he was wearing them, or my bras scattered in a secluded spot behind my nightstand, or him naked and standing in my room with my underclothing around him on the floor. Both bras and underpants, at first just the silky ones, but now it looks like anything will do.

The first time or two I or my husband just calmly asked him about it, but didn’t get into big discussions, just saying that those things are mine and he needs to leave them alone. I put them up high where in theory he can’t get to them but I admit I have not been 100% about putting them up instead of my drawer. I also took him to the fabric store and we bought him a remnant of silk fabric for his own.

It has persisted. Yesterday he ostentatiously said “I’m going to the bathroom” (which is attached to my bedroom) and then a few moments later said “mom are you planning to come into your bedroom any time soon?” So of course I had to get up and investigate. He was naked from the waist down, and my underclothes were scattered around. He hid around the side of the bed where I couldn’t see him and so I layed on the bed and we had a gentle and respectful talk about it. I was very open and matter of fact and he was able to open up about it, though he was certainly embarrassed at first.

He said that he likes to wear my underpants on his body because it makes him feel “more better”. He told me that he wants to wear my bra because “it just feels nice, that’s all”. He puts it on and walks around and looks at himself. (they are padded bras, so they have shape even when I’m not wearing them. ) He doesn’t want to be alone in his room so he can touch his penis because that “isn’t the same”. I think he says wearing my underpants and/or bra is more interesting than looking at a picture of a lady in her underpants and bra - I can’t remember his answer, but I know I asked him which was better. Damn I wish I could remember.

I asked him if there was something else that gave him the same feelings as wearing my underclothing, and he said watching a movie or playing video games (We only watch TV on Friday nights, and we don’t own any gaming systems of any kind. So a hint of forbidden stuff being interesting yes? Or maybe him just spotting a chance to lobby for more screen time…)

He also says he likes the feel of Daddy’s bike clothing, that it is better than the silk we bought him. I asked did he understand he’s not allowed to wear my underclothing and he said yes. I also asked could he stay away from my underpants if I asked him to and he said he didn’t think so - he said “well I think you should put a lock on your door.” As soon as he said he was done talking about it I said ok, and ended the conversation.

Yesterday I bought a lock box for my underclothing and put everything in there. I also bought him his own set of bike clothing, that has a similar feel as my husbands stuff. I put that in my now empty underclothing drawer, for him to discover.

We are not freaking out, but we are absolutely troubled. We are sex positive, and if he’d shown signs for example, of being garden-variety gay, then we could have taken that not just in stride but without a second thought; one of my parents is gay.

But this? This is hard for for us. We don’t know what to do to learn about cross-dressing in little boys (especially given how young he is). And to clarify, he’s not transsexual, there is no question that both his gender and sex are male.

If this turns out to be his kink then we will respect it, and help him to put safe and age appropriate boundaries around it. But if we could choose a kink for him it wouldn’t be cross-dressing. I want - if I can - to try and keep him from imprinting on this. I want this to be just a stage. To keep him from committing to this choice for a lifetime. I can live with being that repressive.

Does anyone out there know about this, from personal experience? Or have resources to point me to? Google is not enormously helpful.

Will trying to somehow turn him away from this damage him? Can it be done, and if so what should we do? Or do we just not make a big deal out of it and hope he grows out of it? Tell him wearing women’s underthings is something for grownups and he needs to wait? Or buy him his own set of bra and underpants and hope the forbiddenness and excitement wears off?

Or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

We are adrift and need help so we can decide what is the best thing to do for our boy.

2

Not a parent, and, knowing the Dope, many parents are going to come in with wonderful things to say.

I say you don’t have to encourage it, but definitely don’t repress it. Let him know it’s ok. I see nothing wrong with it even in the slightest amount. Give him permission to do what he wants.

Here’s MY question: should you, and if yes, how, do you explain to him that many people in the world will think he’s a sick, twisted, perverted little homo who should be shot?

Ok, not in THOSE words :slight_smile: But, seriously, how do you explain that? It’s not like explaining to a kid that if he wears the kind of socks that aren’t “in” he’ll be made fun of. And yet, both situations are opportunities for teaching strength in conviction.

(Edit: by “not encourage” I just mean remain neutral. Let him do what he wants without judgment.)

3

Maybe I’m being overly simplistic, but it seems like all of my friend’s little brothers went through a phase of wanting to wear mom’s clothes. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It might be just a phase.
Next time it’s time to buy your son new underwear, maybe let him have a voice about the colors and fabrics chosen? Is it possible he’s just tired of boring boy underwear?

4

(Psychologist)
It seems that sometimes childhood “kinks” pass on their own (people “grow out of them”) and sometimes they don’t, but in no event does anyone ever seem to be “discouraged” out of one. You just can’t do much about the way somebody’s compass points. Lots of people have kinks, orientations and fetishes they may not have chosen if given the chance. They may not always act on them, but the response to a trigger is pretty strong.
I don’t see many kids, and wouldn’t advise you here anyway, but I think it’s important to note that he’s not disturbed by it. The worst part of any sexual difference or paraphilia is shame. You might not be able to do a lot about the kink, but you can definitely avoid contributing to the shame. You seem to have done an amazing job remaining calm so far. (I love that he recommended a lock - what a smart little cookie!) IMO, 5 is too young for him to worry about what other people think about something this complex that he has no control over. It’s not like we’re talking about him picking his nose.

5

Don’t make it a big deal, or he may feel it necessary to do it just to assert himself against your authority, rather than that he just wanted to at a given moment.

At 5 it is not sexual, but transgressive. And to the extent that it may (or may not) foreshadow his future sexuality, there is likely nothing you can do about it other that reassure him he has unconditional love from both of you.

That said, I wonder if you have any household habits that may be driving him to identify with you rather than your husband. Do you for instance walk around in your underwear exclaiming how good it feels to get your street clothes off? Note I’m not decrying this, it’s perfectly OK and innocent, but may start to explain his fixation. How would you describe your relationship to him compared to your husband’s? If your husband is of the more traditional hands-off sort of male, you might encourage him to show more physical intimacy with the boy, too demonstrate that it’s OK for blokes to show emotion - by hugging, say - with people they care about.

Why? What is it you are fearing?

6

I have a 5-year-old boy, too, and if he were doing what your kid did… we’d be laughing our heads off. Seriously: little kids do silly things - that’s half the fun of having them. Just laugh, tell him he’s adorable, and take some pictures to blackmail him with when he gets older.

7

Don’t do this.

8

Ummm this is “cross dressing” as in underwear. UNDERWEAR! Why is that such a huge deal?
It’s not like he’s sneaking in and dressing up in your sequined evening gown!
He’s experimenting with gender roles, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. Lots of boys love playing dress up. Matter of fact, I seem to remember reading somewhere that a lot of otherwise “manly guys” love wearing women’s lingrine. Don’t make a big deal out of it!

9

I was kidding.

You should just send the pictures to his grandparents.

10

I doubt this is “his kink.”

I’m not even convinced that it was anything sexual at all, at least before his mother started talking about his touching his penis and looking at pictures of women.

I suspect he was naked, or partially so, because he was trying on underwear, and he knows you need to be naked to put on underwear. Duh.

Also, putting a gift for him in the drawer that he shouldn’t be going in? Kink or not, how does that help him learn how to behave around other people’s private spaces and things?

11

You have two separate issues here. The first is indeed that he enjoys silky fabrics against his skin. However, he’s also disobeying you, and not respecting your property and boundaries, and I think that THIS is what you need to get serious about. Yes, you have obtained some bike clothing for him, but it shouldn’t be in YOUR drawer (that you told him to stay out of) for him to discover. He needs to learn that if someone says “don’t touch my stuff” that this should be respected. Give him the bike clothing, and put your undies back in your drawer. Tell him that if he wants different clothing, he needs to come to you and tell you.

You might get him some cheap female undies, too, in nylon, for special play. I don’t think that they make girls’ panties in nylon…not in a five year old’s size, anyway.

12

Lest the tone of my previous comment be misunderstood, let me say that I still find something great about parents who can say,

:stuck_out_tongue:

13

I remember “dressing up” when I was about your son’s age, putting on my mother’s clothes, shoes and makeup. But I also remember making myself up to look super-masculine (facial hair, heavy eyebrows, chest hair, etc.), all done with some kind of pencil. I don’t remember getting yelled at for it, so I have to assume they never found out.

14

I have to say I’m more concerned about the disrespecting of your underwear, rather than the cross-dressing aspect. I mean, it’s your underwear - I’d be as freaked out by a daughter wearing it!

Or am I just being a hygiene freak?

15

You’re not a parent of a 5-year-old, that’s for sure.

16

Reminds me of the time when I swung by day care to pick my son up at the end of the day, and found him wearing a ballerina’s tutu!

And there’s been innumerable times when he’s wrapped a towel around himself to pretend he’s wearing a dress, or draped a dishtowel over his head to mimic long ‘girl’ hair, and said, “I girl” or something similar.

He’ll either grow out of it on his own, or he won’t. And if he doesn’t, (a) he is what he is, and I’m not going to try to change him or make him feel ashamed of it, and (b) he’s my son, I love him with all my heart, and I always will. That’s just all there is to it.

17

Unless he is being exposed to sexual material, this isn’t sexual. He doesn’t know about sex, does he? Sometimes boys dress up as girls. If your clothes are the only female clothes around he’s going to wear them. My son wears his sister’s clothes. He parades around in dresses. It’s normal.

Your son is not a cross-dresser. It’s not his kink. Five-year-olds do not have kinks. He’s normal. Put your underwear away where he can’t get it and leave more appropriate female clothing within his grasp. Most of all, don’t make this into a big deal. It’s not. He’s doing a normal thing. You can only mess it up.

Our daughter started masturbating when she was five. Initially, we talked to her and told her that it was something private. That didn’t help. She still did it all over the house. At her next check-up I told the doctor about it and she said, “I would just ignore that behavior.” She’s a good doctor and we trust her, so we ignored it and it stopped. What your son is doing is almost certainly normal. Ignore it.

18

They were probably too busy laughing about it!

OP your reaction has interested your kid so he’s now pushing to see how much control he can get over your undies. We had a dressing up box as kids.

19

Silk is an awesome feeling fabric, try buying him some grown up men’s silk boxers (or briefs). Maybe yours are the only silk undies available, and a sheet of silk is just not the same.

20

This is an excellent suggestion. (I’ve never shopped for toddler-sized silk boxers, though – is that an easy order to fill? I know you specify grown-up size, but I imagine those frictionless andwide-waisted items would hit the floor like a hammer.)