My 6 year old relative has in the past had a history of making friends by giving “gifts” to kids to make them like him. Nothing major: usually Pokeman cards and the like. We talked to him and explained that that wasn’t the way to make true friends etc. Message received we thought. I should say there have been at least 2-3 episodes of this since he was 4.
Recently he started a new school with a new aftercare situation. Most of these kids have been together and been friends for 2-3 years. It has been hard for him to break in. Recently that has changed he seemed happy talked about a number of kids he was playing with & we were happy he was settling in until we got a call from a parent – he has been giving away Pokeman cards to break in.
I am unsure now whether a hard-line on gift giving is now appropriate. I wonder if he found an coping strategy to break the ice. I may just let this Pokeman card giving slide until Christmas or so. Is this this a bad idea?
It sounds to me the kid has found a way to get kids to talk to him at first. If he’s not constantly plying them with new cards to continue the friendship, then I think he’s actually got a great idea, and one that I wish I could translate into “grown-up” situations.
So: if he only gives them the first one, and doesn’t keep giving them, then I see nothing wrong with it at all.
wow, being a six year old outsider can really suck. Have you talked to him about how hard that is?
As for the gift giving, I would talk to him again about it. Perhaps explain that he may be setting himself up for a future of continually having to give better and better gifts to keep these ill-gotten friends. Maybe help him come up with other things he can do to attract friends
It doesn’t sound like a major issue to me. I’m actually surprised that a parent would feel compelled to call you. Sooner or later, he’ll come to his own conclusion that giving gifts to “buy” friendship isn’t a long-term fix.
I guess I don’t see the major problem either. Maybe he just has a generous spirit. Isn’t being generous with small things actually a valid way to make friends?
My “son” and I discussed this sort of phenomenon twice – once quite abstractly when he was in his teens, and once when his son was trying to do the same sort of thing as yours.
His comment was a trifle sardonic, but I think valid: “Money can’t buy friends – but it can rent them long enough to prove to them that you’re a friend worth having.”
From the experience with his son, I’d suggest that it’s possible your son may have a relatively low self-image and think that nobody would want to be his friend if there’s not something in it for them. (That’s not attempting long-distance lay psychiatry, but simply suggesting one possible underlying cause, for you to check out.) Doing a little ego-boosting, and perhaps scheduling some sort of outing that you take him on along with a couple of prospective friends he picks out, where they can have fun together doing something unusual and special for them, might be a good ice-breaker for him – and help to build up his ability to form those sorts of relationships.
I don’t see a very big difference between a kid giving away a 1.00 Pokemon card to break the ice, and a $50.00 outing to break the ice. To me, that’s the same thing. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with either one.
Honestly, the more I think about it, the less I see wrong with the Pokemon card giveaway. First, it demonstrates for the kid that he has something in common with the recipient. And second, it really does suck being the new kid. Especially at that age. Besides, he’s probably giving away a card he already has.
20 years down the line, he’s going to be buying someone a drink at bar to get them to talk to him.
Agreed. At first it seemed to me that I should be bothered by this, but I can’t think of any reason why. Kids of that age tend to be quite generous with people they like - having very little, however, their generosity tends to take the form of stones they find in the driveway and such. Children really enjoy giving gifts, and I don’t know if this sounds like “buying” friends as much as expressing that he’s taken a liking to the recipient.
And as much as Polycarp’s advice sounds reasonable, I wonder how much validity the notion of “low self-esteem” has in a kid that age. I should think that self-esteem depends on the ability to separate oneself, mentally, from others and to see oneself from another’s eyes - do kids that age really have the mental capacity to lack self-esteem? I’m just not sure the wiring’s all there at that age. In fact, I’ve read that there’s a particular developmental milestone - I don’t remember at what age - before which, a kid simply doesn’t have the capacity to comprehend that he knows things that others don’t, and his own perspective is different from others’.
At any rate, if the kid ends up “paying rent” for friendship to others, it’s something important to address, but if he’s just expressing that he likes someone else with pokemon cards, what’s the harm?
Having been that six year old, I can say maybe not. But around then I started noticing.
From my experience, you don’t have to know how to express or think that you feel bad about yourself to feel bad about yourself. I seem to recall badgering a can of tennis balls out of Mom at Gibson’s for much the same problem.
I’ve always been a firm believer in let your kid develope his own social skills(with in reason). If he’s found a niche to get himself in; then by all means let him do it.
I remember going ape shit over my parents for trying to dictate my social skills.
When I was a kid I got braces which made me a pretty easy target towards the other children. So in order to get myself back in to the “cool” crowd I started to grow my hair long (I’m a guy) because back then that made you “cool” :rolleyes: .
Anyway my Mom wouldn’t hear of it, I tried to explain the whole social hierarchy to her but she just didn’t get it. Thank god my Dad understood (after much pleading).
But yeah, belonging is important at that age, hell it’s important at any age. But maybe more so at six. So I say let him do what HE feels is right. (or whatever works)
It is definately there. I have strong memories of being in first grade and sitting on the curb of the playground crying. When the yard duties finally noticed and asked me why I was crying, I replied that everybody treated me like “dog poop” and I didn’t want to live like this.
Being a social outcast as a six year old is just as hard as it would be for an adult- it’s confusing, humiliating and painful. Imagine if you walked in to work one day and everybody started going off about how you had cooties and running away. A six year old is no better able to deal with that, and inevitably will start thinking that there is some great flaw in them.
