You’re a jerk. Shut the hell up.
Sloe Moe lives up to his username. By that, I mean he sounds like he’s posting from inside of a gin bottle.
That’s just how the forum culture is. Sometimes threads about trying health circumstances of a loved one are started in the pit. That kind of stuff gets brought up in monthly pit threads, so it’s not much different from adding to one of those except a new thread can be expected to reach more readers.
Make sure you have time to yourself. When my father had dementia, he visited a care centre twice a week for the whole day.
You really do need that Power of Attorney.
Something else: think about the appearance of elder abuse. You’re not going to do it, of course, but over here all it takes is for some over-zealous doctor or social worker to draw the wrong conclusion and you’d be in a world of trouble.
I’m so sorry about all of this. I’m amazed that you’ve gotten this far without collapsing.
My best advice is to talk to a social worker. I don’t know what health coverage you have; I do know that Kaiser has social workers on staff, and that they can help with difficult situations like yours. A social worker can give you info about in-home nursing care and respite programs, so that your work load can be more manageable. If your health plan doesn’t provide for this, you can contact Orange County Social Services.
Does kaylasmom have an advanced directive? If so, there may be something in it about your making medical decisions for her should she be unable to make them for herself. If so, the fact that she has dementia may effectively give you power of attorney.
If you don’t have a community property marriage, you should also look into getting financial power of attorney.
Again, I’m really sorry. You’re in a tough situation. Physical ailments are bad enough, but dementia affects your wife’s relationship with you and also her ability to participate in her own care.
This.
Not this. I’m going give you the benefit of the doubt, though; try not to screw it up.
Everybody else, thanks for the kind expressions of support.
Thanks for the pardon. Again, you’re OK.
Missed the edit window.
ETA: what do you know, he screwed it up.
I shouldn’t have left this message up so long before hitting “Submit.”
I’m sorry, I laughed. 
Take as much time as you need dude. We’ve got your back here.
kam
That, and it seemed a little long for the mini-rants thread.
A note about our circumstances. I’ve got a pretty well-paying job at the Post Office, but not the kind of scratch to pay for a long-term care facility. I mention in the thread title that she’s sixty-five, so one might expect her to be on Medicare. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the forty quarters of work history necessary to qualify for free premiums for Part A. I might be able to handle her Part B premiums, but the Part A would run me over $400 per month. So she’s going to stay on my pretty good PPO plan for another three years, when I turn 65, and they let me get free Part A for both of us.
ETA: Also, I work nights, so an adult daycare isn’t as available an option as it might be otherwise.
Sloe Moe, we’re cool.
Every time someone posts about the US health-care labyrinth my head has a mini-explosion. But however you can manage it, good luck!
And as mentioned above, take care of yourself too, if not for yourself then for kaylasmum. Without you being well and on the ball, she won’t have an advocate for her best care practices.
I think you already know that the dementia diagnosis is a foregone conclusion. Be prepared for the grieving that happens, but have some shit in place to deal with the practical changes that are going to have to take place.
And we’re here to listen every step of the way mate.
Condolences and best wishes in this rough time, OP.
Sorry to hear…
And you need to take care of your own mental health, too. Sounds overwhelming.
It sounds awful to have to be dealing with so much. You say you’ve discussed it with your sister, is her sister involved? Sometimes, I think it can help if others are there to share the stress/decision making.
Kaylasauntie (that is, the one who shares Kayla’s birthday; I mean the one on her mother’s side who shares Kayla’s birthday) has herself recently checked herself into an elder-care facility 300 miles north of us. My sister moved to Michigan a few years back. The only sister I have still in California doesn’t really care for kaylasmom.
But that’s not really the point, is it? It’s whether she cares for you and can offer you some support.
I had a friend whose mother got Alzheimer’s and she had her sister and I think her mum had siblings, so it all didn’t just fall on one person.
^ This… If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take anyone else. Also, our society has a very, very bad habit of neglecting and ignoring the needs of caregivers.
^ This.
^ And this. Very much this. Between the broken ankle and the bruising, and her paranoia, it WILL happen. She is going to tell someone that you did something to her (like her notion you broke her ankle to ship her off the hospital) and then you’re going to lose control of the situation.
Same. I was exhausted just reading it.
Do NOT assume anything! Do NOT assume anything is automatic!
Regardless of what sort of marriage you have get that power of attorney as soon as possible. Due to her condition you might have to go in front of a judge for that, as her mental capabilities are already compromised.
I strongly suggest you consult with a lawyer family with family law in your state. Yes, it will cost you a little bit of money but it will save you a great deal fo grief and money down the line. He/she will help you set up power of attorney, warn you of pitfalls, help with future planning, and so forth. It will be money well spent.
Despite 30 years of marriage I encountered problems with managing my spouse’s final months. Having a legal document that said I could make decisions on his behalf greatly simplified many things.
kaylasdad99, judging from your your username, is there a daughter that can be of some help to you that is near by? Or would you rather not burden her? If not her, any of your wife’s siblings or yours that is of retirement age, or any friends or neighbors that could possibly relieve you on a regular basis? Your top priority is actually taking care of yourself right now. You won’t be any good to your wife if you are the full-time caretaker and not getting any relief yourself. I was fortunate enough to where my siblings and I didn’t move off, but stayed in the same city. And with one brother retiring early, and my small biz pretty much running itself, it allows us both every other month to take care of my dad then have a full month off. Not having that, I wouldn’t want to speculate of what would have came of us.
This is heartbreaking. I’ve always admired you, Kaylasdadand how deeply you care for your family. Please know that this internet person cares about you.