Geez, man, I’m so sorry to read about all the problems your wife is having. It looks like you’ve spent a long time caring for and helping your wife, but I suspect you are entering uncharted territory with the dementia. My wife is farther along in her dementia than your wife, so if you don’t mind a little advice.
If you haven’t done it already, go to the alzheimer association’s webpage https://www.alz.org/; they have all kinds of helpful information.
As many other people have already said - take care of the legal documents and take care of yourself.
You’ve already seen it with the accusations of intentionally hurting her and having an affair, but prepare yourself to be hurt emotionally and, hopefully not, but possibly physically as well. I’ve been fortunate that my wife has never physically lashed out, but I’ve been told many times and in many ways what a horrible person I am. Things she never would have said before, but the fear and confusion change her reactions. Even knowing it’s the disease talking, it still hurts.
Make sure you have someone to confide in and vent to. You need a place to let out the anger and frustration that will build up. Not necessarily about your wife, but about the events and changes that are happening.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or you just want to vent to someone anonymously.
You have my profound sympathies. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.
In addition to all the great advice already given, I suggest you contact your local department of senior services. I think this is typically a county-level function, but may be city- or state-level in your locale. Often they don’t really have much to provide, but sometimes they have programs for adult day care for free or reduced rates. If you need help transporting your wife to doctors’ offices, they may be able to provide a ride in a van equipped to handle wheelchairs.
Take care of yourself. Caregiving is a very difficult and draining responsibility (as I’m sure you know).
My sympathies to you. As I was reading I thought “this absolutely belongs in the Pit. Fuck all this stuff that keeps happening to your wife!” You’re a great partner…and as others have said, be sure to take care of yourself too.
I have no advice, only my sympathies. My mother went through a lot when she was dealing with my father’s decline (stroke) while I was away at school. Dealing with a spouse in a slow state of decline is unbelievably taxing.
I’m so sorry for the physical and emotional suffering! I certainly am not qualified to suggest what you should do, but I do know that you should not suffer any guilt for whatever decision you make. You obviously love her dearly and have been unendingly loyal to her as a husband. You want what’s best for her, and for that you should only garner praise and admiration!
Reading your post, I alternated between sadness for what you’re going through and admiration for how you’re managing it. Your love and compassion really come through. Hang in there, and best wishes to your wife on managing it all too.
My condolences for what you’re going through. I’m going to move this to MPSIMS, not because it’s mundane or pointless, but because that forum is better suited to sympathy and advice than the Pit.
This sounds terrible for you and your wife. Lots of good advice in this thread. You mentioned that you work nights, making adult day care less than useful. However is it possible for you to change to working days. Could you talk to your employer about your situation?
We have a pretty strong union (USPS), and the contract calls for strict adherence to the seniority issues regarding shift changes. Swaps between individuals are not permitted. I have updated my schedule preference sheet to indicate that I am only voluntarily accepting changes to the third Tour (2:00 - 10:30 p.m.). But there’s a reason those are called “dream sheets.”
Wow, kaylasdad, you have my sympathies, and I’m keeping you and your wife in my thoughts. I hope that you’re able to get the help that both you, and she, need.
As I read through your post, I started to get worried that I was seeing a vision of my own future. I’m 53, my wife is 55, and while she doesn’t currently face the sorts of ongoing health issues that your wife has been dealing with for years, she’s overweight, very sedentary, and refuses to go to the doctor.
Have you talked with your union rep about accommodations for medical impairment or caregivers of those with medical needs? Also, IIRC, the USPS has its own social workers on staff, they might be very helpful in negotiating accommodations for you.
This is horrible, and my heart breaks for you.
It also scares me - I’m an morbidly obese woman in generally good health, but I’m getting older and I don’t foresee it getting any easier.
Fuuuuccckk! That is truly a heart rending tale, KD! I have nothing but admiration for people that can bear this kind of burden, and I truly hope you get the help and support you need. Don’t discount any help you can get, it’s important to advocate not only for your wife, but yourself as well. You have my sincerest best wishes, for what they are worth.
I’m really sorry, kaylasdad. My mom started to show symptoms of cognitive decline about 10 years ago (she was in her mid-60s). It was a pretty rough time for our family. Based on our experience, my advice is to try to be proactive about the cognitive decline. My dad was like a frog in a slowly heating pot. By the time things progressed to the point that he really needed help, he was overwhelmed by caring for my mom (who was having hallucinations, kept trying to escape the house, and was violent) and wasn’t able to get the help he needed. None of us kids realized how bad it had gotten (once we realized, we were able to get her into a dementia care facility. Her dementia has progressed to where she doesn’t know who I am, but she seems happy and my dad visits her every day).
It’s been mentioned upthread but the Alzheimer’s Association is a great resource and may be a good place to start. I hope that you are able to get kaylasmom the treatment she needs with a minimum of trouble. Keep us posted.