To the OP: hoping you will drop by and let us know how things are going. We care about you and your wife, you know, even tho we are “only internet friends.”
Bumping: **Kaylasdad99, **how are things going?
Hey, Kayla’sDad?
I’ve been lurking on this thread 'cause I figured my condolences and best wishes were just redundant. However, September 14th (and, for that matter, October 14th) has come and gone and we’re all wondering how things are going. Of course, it may be that, since you’re on Family Medical Leave to help your wife convalesce, you might not have time (access?) for Dopey stuff.
Well, you have my admiration and best wishes anyway.
–G!
Not necessarily so. My recently deceased mother presented much of the same symptoms as the OP’s wife, including paranoid ideas (and was like her in absolute denial about it), but this was attributed to a general degradation of her cognitive functions due to age and health problems, not to any specific form of dementia. She was deemed competent enough to make decisions, despite the numerous problems she was having as a result (including wrt medical treatments that she refused, like the OP), and more importantly, contrarily to what I expected at first, there was no significant further degradation of her mental abilities during the last years of her life (she stayed in this state for about 5-6 years without any significant change)
Well, I don’t know the terminology, so maybe this is dementia anyway, but people (or at least me, and in fact also doctors I saw) expect a progressive degradation over time, which doesn’t seem to always happen in any noticeable way).
Sorry for what happens to you, OP. That’s a terrible situation to be in.
Hello, all. Please accept my apologies for ghosting the thread for so long. Here come some developments that I have not yet shared:
Ankle surgery was successful, and the FMLA time was helpful. Michaela (the kayla my handle is based on) was actually cast in TWO shows for January/February, and performed exquisitely in both of them. She was also cast as Mrs. Meers in her junior college’s production of Thoroughly Modern Millie (April), and Martha Dunnstock in “Heathers: the Musical” (August). Nailed both performances again. She also auditioned for the Musical Theatre program at several universities across the country, and was accepted at Pace University in Manhattan. With the help of a withdrawal from my IRA, a loan from my Federal Thrift Savings Plan, and a Parent Plus loan, she is now living in Brooklyn, and continuing to work on her craft.
WTF does this have to do with kaylasmom (I hear you cry)? Well, kaylasmom’s aunt, being the second Mrs. Allan Jay Lerner, starred as the original Fiona in Brigadoon. Another of her aunts was the wife of the founder of the Sacramento Music Circus (a prestigious summer stock program), and a headliner in many of their shows. Kaylasmom has musical theatre running through her veins (if you’re not offended by such a pseudoscientific notion), and when I met her in 1977, she was determined to follow a similar career path. I was also bitten by the “Hi Diddly-Dee, an Actor’s Life For Me” bug as a lad. Neither of us went particularly far, due to both lack of support (kaylasmom) and lack of follow-through (me). Michaela, however, has displayed both determination and follow-through since she decided before she graduated high school that this was her calling. Denied an invitation to join the performing arts program at Marymount Manhattan in 2015, she came back to California and worked on her skills for four years in Junior College. When she was accepted into the BFA Musical Theatre program at Pace, she was told that the judges at her audition awarded her a perfect score for singing, acting, AND dance. She’s GOING to have support from me (also I tell myself that when she’s reached Audra McDonald levels of success and wealth, she’ll happily support kaylasmom and me in our dotage).
ANYHOW, kaylasmom broke a second hip in March. I had determined that she has no-premium Medicare Part A eligibility, so that’s not an un-shoulderable burden, AND Medicare was willing to pick up the cost of up to thirty days in a skilled nursing facility, which (after a week of at-home convalescence) she consented to. That lasted all of a week before she decided that my being there for every allowed hour (they wouldn’t let me have a bed in her room, a double-occupancy; go figure) wasn’t enough to disprove her thesis that I didn’t care about her. So I supported her request for a discharge back home.
Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t teach her TOO well how to push my buttons, so I find myself acceding to her demand of the moment, regardless of whether it’s in either of our best interests.
Kaylasmom is mostly in bed these days. I got her a shower chair, and shower her once a week, whether she needs it or not. I’m now working a 2:00 -10:30 (pm) shift since January. It isn’t really improving matters. She’s sleeps during the afternoons and when I get home at about 11:00, she complains about not having been fed for ten hours, while I’m at preparing some dinner for us. She’s constantly asking when Michaela is going to come home, and I have to remind her that kayla lives in Brooklyn now. She can’t keep it straight in her head where she is (home/hotel/hospital/time-share/resort/spa), or whether it’s morning, afternoon, evening, or middle of the night. Or whether I have to go to work on a given day.
She often asks me to visit her, where do I live, will I move in with her, can I come spend the night when her husband isn’t around. I won’t lie to her, and I find myself repeating to her that I’m the only husband she has, the only person in her life with my name, and that we’re currently in our home, where we BOTH live.
It’s gotten to the point where the only times when she knows who’s who and what’s what is when she NEEDS to know, so she can berate me for falling short of perfection in meeting her needs, wants, and impulses of the moment (is this my karmic comeuppance for referring to the President as an America-hating fuckstick?). When she’s nice and loving, I can count on her believing that I’m someone else (with the same name, birthdate, occupation, employment history, and courtship narrative as the man she married).
And she frequently hints that I should be giving her sex. She tends to use phraseology that provides her with plausible deniability should I ask her if she means “I want sex,” so there’s a lot of “I want you to be with me,” “I want us to sleep together,” “I want you to spend the night,” usw, &c, etc. They’ve been easy enough to treat as straightforward statements so far, but when they come from her lucid, in-the-moment self-aware persona, they tend to be more accusations (“you haven’t touched me in weeks,” “why won’t you make love with me?,” “who are you seeing on the side?”), and I’m uncertain if I should just disappear for a while or what. And having a sister with a doctorate in ethics, I’m constantly confronting the question of whether I CAN ethically have sex. And maybe it’s my upbringing, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to ask my baby sister if it’s ethically OK for me to fuck my wife.
hugs to you, which hardly covers all the emotions your post has stirred up. My best wishes to you, and your wife.
If there’s anything we can do, please let us know. I’d be happy to send along a care package, or whatever might help you manage this.
I have a VHS VCR. Got a copy of “Debbie Does Dallas” with the soundtrack removed (her hearing is still excellent)?
Ohhhhh noooooo. PornHub might hook you up though.
I woke up a little after midnight to find kaylasmom was unresponsive and convulsing and had vomited the dinner I had fed her last night. I called in the ambulance, and the paramedics put some medication into her nostrils to stop the convulsions. I’m told that she began convulsing again on the way to the hospital (which was UCI medical center, rather than the one closest to us). I left the hospital about 2:30 AM to go home and get some rest. The neurologist at the hospital said that she had been convulsing almost continually for over two hours. They have intubated her and put her in a neurological ICU.
The neurologist told me they’re having seizures of that short for more than 10 minutes almost always results in severe brain damage. I really don’t know if I’m ever going to have meaningful two-way communication with her again. I guess that particular bit of news is something that I have to look forward to.
I’m so sorry to see this. Thanks for the update.
I’m so sorry to see this. Thanks for the update.
Oh damn, how horrible for you all. Best wishes 
I’m so sorry.
Hugs and prayers, bro.
There is nothing to say that makes going through something like this any easier. I wish for you whatever comfort you can find as you get through this difficult time. I hope there is peace for you both soon.
Thinking of you, kaylasdad99.
Oh, I’m so sorry for your plight.
Take care of yourself.
I wish you peace.
{{{Hugs}}}
Sorry to hear this.
So sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself.
I recall reading this when you first posted. What a rough ride. Wishing you the strength to carry on.