Don’t worry – someday you’ll turn into a Dung Butterfly!
I just had a #7 at my last party, and that’s the first – and God willing, last – time it’s happened to me. Holy God, was I pissed at that guy.
He’s on several medications, and they don’t mix with alcohol. He knows this. If he sticks to beer and wine, he tends to be fine, but hard liquor takes him to a very dark and usually highly inappropriate place. Again, he knows this. He’d sworn three times previously (all on occasions when we’d visited him and his wife) that he was Off Liquor For Good This Time. I never believed him, but still somehow thought that if he was on my turf he’d show enough sense to know his limits. No such luck.
We literally hid the hard stuff in the house after we caught him with one martini. He found the bottles while we were outside and kept topping off his glass when no one was looking. His wife finally took him home after this lovely exchange (the last of many cringe-inducing ones):
Drunk: “So are you two married or what?”
Delighful female guest: “Not married, no, but we’ve been living together for about 9 years now.”
Drunk: “So you fuck each other.”
DFG: “And after 9 years I think it’s considered common-law.” And thank goodness for her being so gracious, she just kept going as if he hadn’t said anything (and yes, she and her husband both heard him quite clearly).
I deeply embarrassed and very, very pissed.
The #2s come out more, as the #1s do. The #2s eventually become the people who drag their sullen teenagers to your party, but by that time EVERYONE has become #2s with kids, and your parties start at 3 in the afternoon and end by 9:00.
Thank you OpalCat and Leaffan. Looking through the list, I can see that I haven’t seen many parties with #5 GIRL WHO STARTS CRYING. Is this really common?
That link was great, but the guitar guy thing is killing me. I refuse to play the guitar at parties unless I’m around other guitar players, but that quickly turns into “Ok, my turn!” anyway.
There might be one more…The person who knows how to make this really complicated drink they just had last week on vacation in St. Barts that everyone is going to love and contains $94 worth of your back bar.
They’re mostly all #1’s by then too.
Hey, of all people, you leave out “Hi Opal”!
Heh. I know somebody who is or has regularly been 4 through 6 with a touch of 1 and 10 - and yes, she’s in theater. I’m a 6 sometimes, but mostly it’s when I’m around people who are getting on my nerves. Put me at a party with strangers who aren’t annoying me and I’ll usually do okay.
But then I’d be talking to myself. And only crazy people talk to themselves.
She’s omnipresent from your teenage parties up until your early 20s.
I love hosting parties. Every year starting at 14 all the way until I was 21 I had HUGE New Years Eve parties and occasionally huge birthday parties. Now I have smaller, more frequent parties (3 or 4 times a year instead of 1 or 2.) I’m 27 now, and while I’ve known every single person on the list - multiples of most of them - I haven’t seen any of them in a few years, except the ubiquitous #6s, and the occasional mild #1.
These days, I’m the guy in the Response that says: “What about the creepy guy who’s way too old to be there?” 
My girlfriend and I went to a friends party and she brought along her little sister. Now, gf knows sister will become a 5 if she drinks too much, so she tried to limit that.
Three shots that were taken behind gf’s back later, she’s crying, in the bathroom throwing up. And of course my girlfriend had to take care of her. I was pissed. Especially because I had come into town just to see her and my girlfriend was getting drunk which is usually very fun for me.
Oh, and it started raining outside and my girlfriend has this fantasy about having sex outside in the rain.
But no, she was inside taking care of #5, who I seriously think did all of that for attention.
#8 becomes the top of the invite list so someone picks up the beer bottle before Tom’s six year old gets drunk
#7 went to rehab and then disappeared from everyone’s life. Last year you hear he found God and became a minister, but you also heard he lives in his car in South Minneapolis - both are believable.
#6 is still ubiquitous
#5 has disappeared - she either grew up or people stopped inviting her years ago.
#4 is less of an issue - at 40 you aren’t dumped too often, and when you ARE dumped, it tends to involve lawyers and people are more understanding.
#3 you stopped inviting - so did all your friends - people finally figured out that you just don’t deal with those sorts of jerks. Maybe he is hanging out with #5.
#2 became you and all your friends - once MOST people had babies, it stopped being a way to ruin a party and turned out to be the only way you got anyone to show up was to say “PLEASE, bring your kids - our house is childproof!”
#1 also became you and all your friends - once you have to stop gossiping about the drunk guy and the crying girl, you are stuck talking politics at parties, but it turns out to be sorta interesting.
You need to stop crashing sorority/fraternity mixers.
Dave Barry once wrote something like “You know you’re an adult when, at parties, you’d rather be on the living room couch talking about prostate cancer than being in the garage lighting plastic milk jugs on fire just to see them burn.”
Words of wisdom.
The worst is the couple who come and have an ugly domestic fight during the party - and neither will leave.
#??? - The OneUpper
No matter what the topic on hand is whenever someone shares a story the guy has to one-up it.
“I once almost drown in my neighbors pool.”
“Oh that’s nothing, I was stuck at the bottom of a lake for a half hour.”
“I drove my friends Corvette going 140mph.”
“Oh that’s nothing. My cousin has a Ferrari that I got up to 180.”
“I saw a dudes car with 30 speakers and 10 amps.”
“Aw, that’s nothing. I saw one with 50 speakers and 30 amps.”
D’oh! :smack: I honestly didn’t think they would notice!
They have 2 kids together, but they’re still not ready for the “commitment” of marriage.
Huh, so you invited the McCain’s over too!
Guitar Guy isn’t too much of an issue around my family since everybody’s musical and there are always a ton of different instruments around–but if the party’s over at my daughter’s house it can get a bit out of hand because GG picks up an acoustic guitar, someone else gets the electric, then my son grabs a bass, grandkid gets on the drum kit and miscellaneous others go for the African drums, electric keyboard, standup bass and other random instruments and pretty soon all conversation is impossible due to the informal ceilidh in the garage!
No, the one who drives me bugfuck is Random DJ Dickhead who thinks he or she is THE arbiter of great party music. This shithead will always go for the worst music imaginable, and I suspect often brings a Case Logic full of Partay Buzzkill Muzik with them. Master of the In Person Rickroll!
Then there’s the guy who brings a sixer of PBR and figures that entitles him to a random case of the GOOD beer everybody else brought. :rolleyes: It never fails, that crap sixer will still be there when he leaves and he always takes it with him. I’m never sure whether to be happy or pissed about that…