To the fuckers who aren't at my party right now

The BBQ Pit
1

You’ve been excited about my party all week. Things have been tense in our residency program lately, and we’ve all been lamenting about how we never get together like we used to. We decided that a party needed to be thrown, and when a night became available that most of us had off, I offered up Chez Dr. J for what would be known as Jonathan’s Post-Derby Bizzash.

Many of you helped me with the planning and promoting the fest among residents, nurses, and staffers. A party flyer featuring the first two pages of Jack Chick’s “Party Girl” was the talk of the hospital. At least six of you said you would definitely be here. A couple dozen of you offered "maybe"s, many of which were hopeful. I wasn’t expecting the Derby infield, but figured on something between a small gathering and a mid-sized party.

I was on call last night. While I was away, CrazyCatLady was lovingly cleaning the house, even though she would not be here for the fest itself. (I do love her.) Despite my post-call haze, I went into high gear when I got home, grocery shopping, making pizzas from scratch ready to throw in the oven (as one of you conviced me more people would come if I cooked, as I’m known as a good cook), and getting everything just right.

Now, at 11:15 PM, two hours and 45 minutes after the appointed time, I have this to ask of all of you:

WHERE IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU? Not only have those of you in the “maybe” crowd defied mathematics by failing in your entirety to show up, but you are joined in this by every single last mother fucker who looked at me–within the past two days, no less–and told me they’d be here.

Not only have none of you shown up, but you’ve apparently all had technical difficulties with your telephones, because NO ONE EVEN CALLED TO SAY YOU WEREN’T COMING. Tell me you’re not coming, fine. Tell me you’re coming then call to say something came up and you can’t make it, fine. Tell me you’re coming and then simply fail to show up without calling me, and FEEL THE WEIGHT OF MY ROD, BITCHES.

Oh, I’m not pissed off. I’ve moved past pissed off. I’ve even moved past that post-pissed off acceptance phase. I have now moved on to the elaborate revenge fantasy phase, giving great thought to the order in which I’m going to shove the $65 worth of groceries I bought today up your asses. Do I go straight to the two-liters, or do I start with the nice pointy tortilla chips and work my way up to the big guns? Should I do the pretzels individually or the whole bag at once? Would the salsa be more effective poured out and used as a chemical agent or in the jar for more volume?

In closing, I encourage each and every one of you to lick my bag.

Dr. J

2

Exactly what kind of party was this?

:stuck_out_tongue:

d&r

3

What kind of assholes would miss a party endorsed by Jack Chick?

4

That sucks. :frowning: (( DoctorJ ))

So, do you have any friends that are likely to come over to your house for an impromptu feast? Have a good time anyway, then let them know how much fun they missed.

5

Well, Doctor J, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the only one this has happened to. I have been tempted in the past to throw a party at my place but never have becuase I have seen this happen way too many times.

I’d come, but I’m several hundred miles away.

6

Sucks that no one showed, too bad that shit has to happen. To give you some credit though, if I had received a flyer with those two panels from Jack Chick on it, there’s no one that could keep me away. That was a brilliant move.

7

Huh. You could’ve invited ME…I would’ve rolled up, especially to a bag-lickin’ party. :smiley:

Seriously though, it is a major shit when that happens. Lousy good-fer-nothing mates who don’t even RING and at least TRY to make some sort of feeble excuse for their non-attendance…fuck 'em.

Go eat pizza and get pissed. Then ring them at 4.30 am to tell them what sort of scum-bags they are!!

8

Oh, that sucks royally! :frowning:

My revenge recommendation: use the salsa as a chemical agent, but be sure you spike it with some of this first.

9

Ouch.

I’d say use the tortilla chips one by one, making sure to lacerate whatever orifice you’re using. THEN the salsa, followed up by a cola enema.

10

This happened to me about two years ago. Though in that case, some people did call on the night of the party to say they couldn’t make it. That was fine… but when I asked people afterwards, they thought it was the week after. Sigh…

F_X

11

Clearly Rita* got to them while they were en route.

Haj

[sub]*Read the Chick link[/sub]

12

The same thing happenned to me over a pasta party I was throwing for track.

ONE FUCKING KID SHOWED UP!!!

The next week, somebody else (of greater social standing and attractiveness) threw their own pasta party, and exactly three people, including myself, showed. The lesson: it’s not you, it’s the stupid mother-fucking pasta party, or post-call residency bash or whatever.

Although the Jack Chick plagarism was a classy move that I may want to copy.

13

I can join you in commiserating… I’m scared to throw a party, 'cause I’d hate to be there alone. (Or even worse, with just one person show up, 'cause then I feel just damed embarrassed.). Can’t say I’d have missed it either, mostly since I get invited to too few… :-/

OTOH, what this means is that somewhere on the board are the very people you’re talking about, those who are invited to, nay, confirm their very attendance at, future parties, but don’t show up!!! I think we’ve got a half-dozen people here - enough to beat the insanity out of the rest of you!

14

Oh, my. My condolences. This has happened to me. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it’s happened enough times that it no longer bothers me, and I don’t plan ahead like I used to - I wing it, dependent upon who shows up.

Nice to know the California flake factor isn’t just for Californians anymore. :frowning:

And as far as I’m concerned, anyone who said they were coming and didn’t call stood you up, and should be treated accordingly - with derision. I CANNOT tolerate being stood up. Call with a reason, call with an excuse, but just fucking call!. Assholes. :mad:

Esprix

15

This happened to a friend of mine. He threw a wine and cheese type get together for the peope he was working with (including me). I showed, and one other girl showed up for an hour or two. Nobody else even called, despite saying that the would be there.

We got over it fast once we realized that it meant we got dibs on all of the booze and food. A good idea at the time, but in the morning, I was cursing my coworker for my hang over. I mean, if they had shown up then wouldn’t have had to drink their share of alcohol!.

Lousy ingrates.

16

Bastards!!!

I say you take in all the extra food for lunch this week and don’t share.

Poorly mannered people shouldn’t get yummy treats.

17

Holy Cow! Not a single soul showed up? That’s madness! And here I thought my parties had a bad record of people showing up (usually about 50% never make it), but this is just unbelievable!

18

Sadly, no; these were my closest friends who didn’t show. Medical residents tend to be their own social group, since they often move somewhere new to do it and since they spend 80 hours a week in the hospital most months. I could try to get some of them to come by and eat today, I guess, but I don’t feel up to dealing with the miserable fucks.

I have already called and yelled at a couple of the “definites”; one claims she forgot about it (and she’s either lying or a dumbass, since we were just talking about it at about 7:00 Friday night), while another said he had been out all night the night before and wasn’t up to it–“I thought I’d be the only one not there, and get hell about it on Monday.”

I try not to take it personally, but it’s hard–after all, some people throw parties and houses full of people show up. I can’t even get anyone to call me to tell me they won’t be here.

I’m just going to chalk it up as an expensive, hard-earned lesson in why I should never do anything for anybody ever again, since people in general, and my friends and colleagues in particular, are fucking ingrates. (Is this what they mean when they say that internship makes you cynical?)

Dr. J

19

I agree, that sucks, DoctorJ. These people are going to have to face you after this, though. Make 'em cope with their decision.

On a fairly hijackish note, I for once really wish we could put images in our sig.

20

DoctorJ, maybe you can commiserate with this guy. Sorry to hear everyone bailed; that sucks big time.