99 little-known powers possessed by Superdelegates

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

-Faster than a speeding bullet, fired from a handgun purchsed after a two-week waiting period and a complete criminal background check

-Able to cure lactose intolerance

-Can hold breath for 75 seconds

-Able to grow facial hair at will

-Able to remove underpants with one hand, while remaining fully dressed

-Can bend a spoon with their minds

-Able to flip the lit end of a cigarette into their mouth, and back out again, without burning themselves

-Can paralyze an angry bear with their flatulance

-Completely immune to the effects of caffeine and capsaicin

2

-The ability to levitate, as long as no television cameras are around.

-“Right of first night” in the event that any regular delegates marry during the convention.

-Can use the hotel minibar without it showing on the bill.

-In the event of a deadlocked convention, have the right to determine how smoky the negotiation rooms get.

-May make jokes along the lines of MST3K during boring convention speeches without dooming their chances at attending the next convention.

3

-Free dry cleaning privileges in convention city.
-Can explain the caucus process in 25 words or less.
-Allowed to use non-deadly force on anyone who may reveal their identity.
-Their hair is always perfect.
-High-level yogi training allows them to spit used chewing gum out their ears.

4

Able to whistle all of Dizzy Gillispie’s Jazz compositions—backwards!

The ability to order meals in French…but only in Chinese restaurants.

5

Like Batman, always prepared.

Like Superman, vulnerable only to strange glowing rocks and magic.

Like Hulk, someone you don’t want to get angry.

6

  • Can wear white socks with black shoes, and make it look gooood.

  • Ability to fly every other leap year

  • Uncanny knack for finding the most cost-effective cell phone plan for them and their families

7

Able to turn water into Jägerbombs.

8

Jägerbombs!!! (Warning: language, blatant regional stereotypes)

9

Able to cure scrofula with their touch.

10
  • Are able to bend the campaign trail to pass by a Denny’s at will
  • Can cast Enlighten once per day as a level 15 pope
  • Able to funnel large corporate favors through hundreds of citizens and transform them into individual campaign contributions silently and at will.
  • Can change wind direction
  • Can overpower Mitt Romney (depreciated)
  • Can alter their scent to suit the company they are surrounded by
  • Can hurl mud up to two thousand miles with deadly accuracy
11

  • Every one of them trained to perform emergency brain surgery and disarmament of a nuclear missle.

  • Immune to the fatal effects of cyanide.

  • Can make a top spin for up to 2 minutes.

  • Can shoot silly string out of their pinkies.

  • Can calculate the precise weight of feces by listening to the plop.

12

-Ability to promise a list of 99 things and get away with only giving 9?

13

-Power to cloud regular delegates’ minds.
-Can turn themselves into a bucket of water at will.
-Expert chicken sexers.
-They have these little rollers at the bottom of their shoes that can come out like some kids do nowadays, except that their shoes also have little motors that drive the rotors, allowing them to glide from one end of a huge convention hall to the other without lifting a foot.
-Have mastered the knack of looking dignified while wearing a propellor beanie.

14

Able to cause scrofula with their touch.