-Hasn’t shown up for our standing lunch date at Lula Cafe in almost three years
-There’s a large, oddly placed pile of snow on his front lawn.
-If you play Three Dog Night’s “Mama Told Me not to Come” backwards, you can distinctly hear the words “Satan says shop at Saks,” which really isn’t relevant, but right after that you can distinctly hear “Adams won’t live to see aught seven.”
-On deadline day, Zotti is often seen furiously typing with an Encyclopedia Britannica on his lap.
-Foul stench coming from his shed; worse than usual.
-Unidentified body floated up on beach in Australia last year wearing a T-Shirt that said “Perfect Master.” Plus, the corpse’s stomach was full of Circus Peanuts, which is (was) obviously Cecil’s favorite food. Corpse mysteriously disappeared from coroner’s office.
-Ignorance is at record highs in the U.S.
-Last activity on his Visa was in January 2006, when he purchased a one-way ticket to Nepal. One can only assume this had something to do the People’s Liberation Army announcing an end to their four-month truce with the Nepalese monarchy.
-Recent increase in use of guest columnist Pia Zadora.
-Netflix records show he’s had same copy of “Blues Brothers 2000” for over fourteen months now.
Has not shown up at, or even RSVP’d for, my bi-annual New Years Eve Party EVER!
-Clint Howard showed up at the Oscars with a woman ID’d by People magazine as “the Widow Adams, far left.” Odd, considering Clint Howard is happily married. Even odder is what Clint Howard was doing at the Oscars.
-The editor of the Reader is driving around town in a new Mercedes, which cost the exact amount Cecil would’ve made last year were he still alive.
Chicago Reader runs “classic” Straight Dope questions on whizzy technology such as VCR Plus+ and digital watches, rather than bringing the Perfect Master to bear on 21st century quandaries.
But… Cecil sent me an e-mail yesterday promising me larger and longer-lasting erections – he can’t be dead!
I know it was Cecil because that’s what the “From:” field of the e-mail header said, and everyone knows that can’t be faked! I’d post it to cite the proof, but there were some naughty bits that would violate the two-link rule.