Enterprise!
by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker
DR. PHLOX: “Can you fly this starship and land it?”
MALCOM: “Surely you can’t be serious.”
DR. PHLOX: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
ARCHER: “We’ve got to get to the shuttle bay.”
TRIP: “The shuttle bay? What is it?”
ARCHER: “It’s the deck where shuttlecraft take off and land, but that’s not important right now.”
ARCHER to MAYWEATHER: “T’Pol just isn’t the same since she developed that drinking problem.”
They look at T’Pol.
T’Pol lifts a glass and sticks the straw in her eye.
ARCHER to T’POL: “Decontamination cream?”
T’POL: “Yes. It is.”
Captain Archer:
“Trip, do you like it when Porthos holds on to your leg and rubs up and down?”
TRIP: “… and that was when Shuttlepod One lost power, and I knew I’d have to make an emergency landing. So I flew in low.”
ARCHER: “Over the Arkonian moon?”
TRIP: “No, I don’t think I’ll ever be over the Arkonian moon.”
ARCHER: So, Hoshi - Ever been on a starship before?
HOSHI - No, Sir.
ARCHER: Ever seen a grown man naked?
ARCHER: This nebula is getting thicker!
Johnny: And Dr Phlox is getting laaaaarrrrrger!
ARCHER: Hoshi, do you like movies about gladiators?
T’POL: Nervous?
HOSHI: Yes.
T’POL: First time?
HOSHI: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.
ARCHER: Hoshi, have you ever been to a Klingon prison?
COMPUTER VOICE: “Now arriving in Shuttle Bay 1…Shuttle Bay 2…Shuttle Bay 3…”
HOSHI: Excuse me, Captain, I speak jive…
ARCHER: Last time we blasted our way out, but this is a completely different situation, altogether.
CREW, ALL TOGETHER: This is a completely different situation.
TRIP: Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit pecan pies.
TRIP: “The intermix ratio! I forgot to check the antimatter intermix ratio! When the Captain finds out, the shit’s really gonna hit the fan!”
SPLAT!
TRIP: Connor!
CONNOR: OK. Hey, Hoshi, how about you give me two twenties for a ten?
Hoshi: T’Pol, what’s wrong with him?
T’Pol: The captain? He thinks he’s William Shatner.
Shatner jumps up from a bed dressed as Archer and starts “singing” Lucy in the Sky. Flox grabs him and drags him back to bed.
Hmm … I have a fictional character talking to the actor who plays him.
MALCOLM: Captain! The Suliban are boarding us…
TRIP: And the warp engines are offline!
QUANTUM: Both? Together?
MALCOLM & TRIP: [deep breath] Captain! The Suliban are boarding us and the warp engines are offline!
QUANTUM [just after having been rescued from a month long dealy…]: Okay. Fill me in on everything. Start from the beginning.
T’POL [furrowing her brow]: First the Universal Singularity exploded, and then came the Old Ones. But they got too big and fat…
GUEST STAR OF THE WEEK: Are you familiar with the Daystrom Institute?
QUANTUM, TRIPP, MALCOLM, TRAVIS, PHLOX: We’ve heard of it!
KLINGON [on viewscreen]: “What are the local conditions on the planet below?”
ARCHER [to Hoshi]: “Rain.”
HOSHI [into English-to-Klingon translation device]: “Rain.”
ARCHER [to Hoshi]: “And a little ice.”
HOSHI [into translator]: “And a little ice.”
KLINGON [on viewscreen]: “Okay, Archer, you’re doing just fine.”
ARCHER [muttering]: “It’s a damn good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts.”
HOSHI [into translator]: “It’s a damn good thing you don’t know how much he hates your guts.”
Mayweather: “That’s strange.”
(blinking light on panel displays “Strange”)
[After the closing credits for the episode, Hoshi is shown still sitting in Shuttlepod One, waiting for Trip to return and fly her back to Enterprise.]
HOSHI: “Well, I’ll give him another 20 minutes. But that’s it.”
This thread is wrong in so many ways…
But I don’t want to be right!
[Golly!]
Archer, holding out coffee mug: “Coffee, Hoshi?”
Hoshi: “No thanks!”
Trip, calling from Engineering as the ship is struck by weapons fire: “Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it’s a twister, it’s a twister!”