After I graduated, I visited my high school quite often but only through my freshman year of college when I was only 18. After that, I became self-aware at how weird it was for me to be there and I knocked it off.
I had another friend, a little older than me, who kept hanging out with high school girls when he was about Captain Carrot’s age. He spent too much time alone with a 15-year old and eventually her parents found out and had him charged with Statutory.
He claims nothing sexual ever happened between them, and I believe him, but he was still found guilty. He had to do over a year in jail and now has to register for the rest of his life as a sex offender.
So… you see… It doesn’t really matter how YOU see the situation. All it takes is one nervous parent to ruin your life. Why put yourself in a situation that could lead to this?
When I was in high school I wasn’t supervised all the time…at lunch, we went off campus whenever we wanted, etc. Or during study halls, we could just hang out…I didn’t think this was all that unusual.
I’m glad my high school didn’t treat me like a child molester as soon as I graduated. But I was a girl, so maybe things would have been different otherwise.
But I do agree that you have to move on with your life. I went back to my high school during class time once, since I graduated a year early and was visiting “my” music class. I also went to a few band practices to help new students.
But a friend of mine, who didn’t go to college and therefore didn’t get a new peer group quickly, kept looking backward to his old high school days. He stayed friends with the much younger students for years (the people who’d been in grade 9 when he was in 12, and so on), and he even got to know new students through them. There was certainly nothing sexually inappropriate in it, but until he moved past that stage I thought it was pretty pathetic. Just don’t become that guy.
I strongly disagree; a naive 15YO girl needs to be told that wrapping her legs around strange men is inappropriate and will probably be construed as more-than-friendly behaviour – as evidenced by this thread.
Maybe it’s because I know the OP, but I think people are really blowing this out of proportion. So he goes back to visit his school? So what? A lot of people do that. He is not interested in fostering a relationship outside of friendship with any of the high school kids.
I’m baffled that some people think that it’s absolutely inappropriate to visit your highschool after graduation under any circumstances. If that would have been considered skeevy at your highschool, fine, I understand that. But at my highschool having graduates from the last couple years show up for visits just before Christmas was part of the culture. People looked forward to it. Since most of us went to relatively distant schools, more frequent visits were uncommon but not unheard of. My school also didn’t have stict social divisions between the grades so most everyone had friends one or two years younger than them. Whether the OP’s visits are wierd or inappropriate doesn’t depend how it would play at Scumpup’s school or my school. It depends on the culture at the OP’s school. And if he says that such visits are common and welcomed by the administration, since he doesn’t want to pursue the girl, I don’t see what the problem is.
Yeah, seriously. I never really did the visiting thing but then my high school experience was more Carrie than Welcome Back, Kotter. But my brother has on occasion, and I remember seeing college kids come and visit my high school teachers when I was in class. A lot of these high school alumni had siblings still in school, even. I remember a friend of mine, senior year, who was going to Yale and noticed a guy who had come back (who was currently at Yale), and wanted to speak to him about what it would be like…so, point is, this was pretty normal. Granted, I went to a really good school, but it just seemed very, very natural.
I thought that was clear, visiting his friends for a little bit (the only thing I’ll concede is off is that he was talking to two freshmen, he never even met his actual friends during that choir period?)
What about catching up with the teachers? I understand that in most schools the teachers aren’t that well liked, but certainly most people have at least a couple favorites. Maybe we were blessed with having really good teachers everyone liked for the most part, but I legitimately can’t see saying “screw you” to all of them the minute the final bell rings.
Buhduhwah? Who says anything about “reliving the High School Glory Days.” I can’t speak for the OP, but I had no “glory” in high school. I visit people I knew, as soon as all of them are gone, I’m gone, unless the band teacher (or other faculty) needs me for something.
I don’t even see how this fits in. He wasn’t “chasing” anyone, I’m not sure what you’re reading, but I see an OP that is asking for advice about how to:
Interpret this.
Stop this if it’s bad.
Not once does chasing girls come into play.
I really fail to see what growing up has to do with anything. And the students obviously weren’t doing anything, and even if they were… it was Fine Arts and it’s not like he does it every week. I’ll address the “older friends thing” below, because pseudotron mentioned it too.
Again, can only speak for myself, but I get odd vacations every few weeks that don’t coincide with the public school system’s, so I can visit during those. Even then, I don’t think most colleges have so much work you need to be studying every waking hour to the point you can’t take a bit of a drive and a visit every now and then. Now obviously it would be inconvenient normally, but again it’s every few months or so, maybe he’s doing it when his workload is lighter?
I fail to see why this is, I really do. Many adults have friends 5-10 years younger than them, and while young-adult - teen relationships are a little different in dynamics, I don’t see why it’s such a sin/pathetic thing to have a few friends who are, what, 2-3 years younger than you?
Again, why? In band (and I’d assume a lot of mixed-age audition Fine Arts, like the OP’s choir) we were encouraged to make friends with the rookies, and in fact, most band groups could be mixed in age down to the freshmen level. I know most of the senior trombones (all three of us, in fact) had one or two freshmen friends we regularly talked with. Student staff especially had to be with them a lot, so it’s only natural that through all the training and stuff (I trained a couple to be able to call commands for auditions) we’d make one or two friends. And all 50 or so of the student staff, with a few exceptions, had friends younger than them.
And on the Junior level, it’s certainly not one or two. We had tons of mixed classes for one. This probably isn’t most cases, but we actually NEEDED a lot of Junior friends to be able to swing the vote in the senior mock election (every government class makes a political party with full platforms and we have town halls and debates and the Juniors vote for one of the five or so parties, the winner has all the members get automatic A’s on the project). And I really, really don’t see how having younger friends even begins to hinder your ability to get older friends, it’s possible to have both, ya know.
Again, I have no clue where “grow up” comes into play. Visiting post graduation CAN be as a role model, but also as a former student looking to help out an old club or band, or to catch up with the teachers (which actively start the conversation in many cases). Just don’t make a habit of interrupting class every Wednesday, and it would probably be best to go after school, not in the middle of ANY class, but every few months? Hell, my old teachers ask some people to come AT LEAST that often and don’t feel some visit enough.
That period was Freshmen Choir, so when I was in that room I only saw freshmen, yes. I talked to other people, including a few other alums, during other parts of the day.
Nor did I. I wasn’t famous, I didn’t do anything spectacular. But I did have friends in the student body, and I was well acquainted with some teachers. The entire point is getting to see and talk to people who aren’t at my college. I may not exactly be friends with Mr. Kummer and Dr. Castaldo, for example, but I’d like to think I have a healthy relationship with them.
Exactly. I only ever visit when I’m on break, and that doesn’t happen very often – certainly I don’t have as many days off as they do. Thanksgiving, winter, and spring break all intersect between my high school and college, but I can go when they’re in school and I’m not.
Yeah, I was friends with people a year or two ahead of me, my year, and a year or two behind me. It’s important to make the freshmen feel welcome in a new school, and sometimes that develops into a long-lasting friendship. My best friend is a senior right now, and anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my hairy ass.
I’m picturing Mary Catherine Gallagher, from SNL. Captain Carrot, when you set her back down, did she go stumbling into a rack of folding chairs? Put her hands in her armpits and then smell them?
Weighing in on the normality here, going back to see people a few times a year was acceptable for a few years at my high school, but if it didn’t taper off you got talked to unless you had a specific reason.
I’m not sure about it these days, since I’m ten years past that (I stopped visiting when I stopped getting asked to teach trumpet workshops by my old band director).
Also, whoever said anything about not having freshmen/sophomore friends when a senior because they were “babies” was obviously not a band/choir geek–part of the Senior’s job description is to mentor those guys, and y’know, some of them turn out to be pretty cool kids.
I mean, they weren’t in the dating pool, but I still have a beer with some of those guys now that they’re 25 and I’m 29.
I went back to my high school several times not because I had any affection for the place but because I had a couple of teachers which I regarded as being mentors and later friends, or at least friendly associates who could offer sage advice. Similarly, I had a few friends who were still in school who I maintained contact with (at least for a couple of years); a couple were even three or four years younger than me. I can’t say that I see any problem with that, or was otherwise incapable of extracting myself from any inappropriate affections by friends’ younger sisters.
This absurd paranoia about pedophilia and ephebophila is almost as frightening as the pathologies themselves. The implication that teens should be cut off from adults exclusive of family and teachers for fear of being abused is utterly nonsensical, especially given that the vast majority of childhood and teen sexual abuse comes from family and authority figures, not random strangers (despite the hype and attendant advertising revenue Chris Hanson generates). How are teenagers supposed to learn how to act like adults? Watching middle aged parents and their mature friends doesn’t really provide any guidance or expectation for what one is going to experience in the next few years of college and early adulthood.
All that being said, while it is ego-affirming to have someone express attraction to you, it should be clear (as I think it is to the o.p.) that it is inappropriate to encourage, much less engage in, any kind of intimate or otherwise inappropriate relationship, even the faux Dutch uncle role. Physical contact and conversation should be limited to what would be appropriate to a grandmother, and excess ebullience by the youth needs to be deflected to more appropriate venues, or if necessary, avoided completely. But that doesn’t mean that the o.p. or anyone else is obligated to avoid all areas where teenagers are to be found.
“I like the cut of this man’s gibberish!” – The Tick
The point that those of us who think the OP’s behaviour is odd are making is that he shouldn’t be visiting friends AT High School; not because of any ephebophilia issues or anything but simply because the OP should have moved on from there.
In many, many places (such as where I grew up) it is considered sad, pathetic, or just a bit odd to be hanging around your old High School after you’ve graduated. Admittedly my HS didn’t encourage any sort of alumni participation in the school except at sports functions, but even if they had I wouldn’t have wanted a bar of it.
Even if you’ve got a younger sibling at HS and you’re picking them up from school I still can’t see why you’d need to be on the grounds to do it, much less spending most of the day there wandering around chatting to people and generally hanging around.
There’s a huge maturity and emotional difference between 13 and 18; so even though it’s only 5 years it can’t be compared to a 29 year old having 24 year old friends. It’s not the same thing at all, IMHO.
FTR, at our school it generally Wasn’t Done™ for 6th & 7th Formers to hang around with 3rd & 4th Formers. There were exceptions- sports, Peer Support programme, study groups, that sort of thing- but you didn’t generally socialise with them in the same way you’d hang around with your mates in your own year group.
I got on very well with most of my teachers and would say hello to them and stop for a chat if I ran into them in the supermarket or wherever, but I certainly wouldn’t be going back to HS just to have a natter with them.
And in my earlier post I didn’t mean to imply that Captain Carrot was seeking to relive his High School Glory Days, I was using the Napoleon Dynamite analogy for someone who can’t or won’t let go of their High School days long after they’re over and as an example of the sort of person I didn’t want to become.
I was a teenage girl myself not all THAT long ago, and any girl I knew who would have behaved like that with a near stranger was a girl who either knew perfectly well what she was doing or was psycho. If this girl and Captain Carrot had known each other for years that would be a different story, and even just a hug to a guy she’d just met wouldn’t be too out there, but innocent and not-crazy 15 year old girls don’t climb on grown men they’ve only just met.
If he were spending his life hanging around the High School I would agree with you and tell him to move on and make some new friends at college. But I wouldn’t put occasional visits in that same category. My school was pretty small and a lot of students had close mentorship relationships with various teachers so coming back to give them an update on you life makes a lot of sense in that context.
Whoa. I’m a bit shocked by some of the posts in this thread.
I have a friend who regularly has similar predicaments (I’m a high school senior, by the way). He’s 20, very good-looking, and has a lot of younger friends, which unfortunately leads to a lot of 15- and 16-year old girls crushing on him. He’s dated one of them (I would guess it was a 19/15 split at the time) and has come close with a couple others. Has he gotten in any trouble? Nope. He is now making a conscious effort to distance himself from the younger crowd, and the problem has essentially faded.
Did he do anything hugely immoral? I don’t think so. Weird? Yeah, probably. But he’s a clever guy and has stayed out of trouble. Personally, to me, not a big deal.
As far as the visiting high school issue: With most kids that visit, I feel like it’s a bit of desperation on their part. There are visits that make sense: I had two college freshmen visit my writing class to discuss college and how the class (which they had taken the year previous) was helping them. Pretty routine. But there are also visits that defy logic: I’m personally puzzled by the kids that feel compelled to visit a choir rehearsal in the September after they’ve graduated.
That being said, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a visit from a college sophomore. Should they be moving on? Yeah, probably. It is “pathetic” otherwise? Nah.
