What are you actually unsure of; what is the moral thing to do or what do you do to keep yourself out of trouble?
Would you dump your SO because of something said via an anonymous one-time email account?
I wouldn’t.
How would you know it isn’t a vengeful ex, or some hateful person from her work, just making it up to cause her trouble?
Bullshit. Divorce is way worse than cheating. A person who has an affair is scum, but a person who divorces their spouse before fucking another person is a hero? The order of operations has nothing to do with it. Divorcing your spouse is a much bigger repudiation of your marriage vows than an affair. Obviously so.
Way, way, WAAAAY over the line on her part. This call from her makes me think even more that you need to talk to Chuck - she’s going to make sure you’re involved, no matter what you do.
Wilma is the one who made that decision, not our OP. She could have kept her snogging in private, but she didn’t. The cellphone call from today makes me think that she’s all about the drama, though.
AK84, I’m sorry her lack of sense has put you in this position.
Do you really think the infidelity boards are really giving you a proper sense on how often people are caught cheating though? There are a lot more than 2 possible outcomes.
Thanks, but the onion is this, I have no witnesses, and unless she decides to capitulate, who is C going to believe, me or W? More likely her.
Interestingly, her kissing probably has saved her,presuming she was not supposed to be at the resort. I likely would have mentioned her presence there to C off hand next time I spoke to him, as I did not think anything of it until the revelation.
I’m just picturing the scenario.
Guy meets a hot woman at a conference. She’s ready to go. So he goes up to the hotel room with her, but before they have sex he calls his wife and dumps her, then proceeds to fuck the hell out of his new paramour. And this is OK, because an affair is unforgivable, but divorce is just something that happens.
The point is, I’m not going to divorce my wife over an affair. I don’t want her to have an affair, she does not have permission to have an affair, I will be seriously upset if she has an affair. But I’m not going to end our marriage over it. Our relationship is more important, not to mention the care of our children.
nm
My advice all along has been to tell Chuck just what you saw, with no judgements made or conclusions drawn. His belief isn’t your problem - you’re not looking for any outcome here except telling him what you saw.
That is a good point; her actions are causing you to lie by omission now.
Years ago, my husband saw two friends – man and woman, married to other people – getting out of the man’s truck (a cab-over) in a camping spot in the middle of the day. No one else around. He had seen their cars parked at each other’s houses, also in the middle of the day, when their spouses were at work, but thought nothing of it. But after seeing them in the cab-over, he mentioned it to friends, who said ‘Oh yeah, those two have been fucking for years, everybody knows.’
He wanted to tell. I told him to butt out, that if they were being that obvious, their respective spouses probably already knew about it. But it bugged him, because he was really good friends with the guy being cuckolded, so he told him.
They’re not friends anymore, and both couples are still married to each other.
I wouldn’t tell. I hate cheating, but I wouldn’t tell – it’s none of my business.
which are deceitful,
Deceit for all!!
The information you have is absolutely your business. What you mean is that you think it is none of the husband’s business.
I once had a colleague who witnessed her boss cheating on his spouse, who happened to be my boss. She agonized for quite a while before finally sending my boss an anonymous note to tell her.
A few years later, after the divorce, my boss told me (kind of teary-eyed) that she wished someone had said something sooner. So if I ever found myself in the same situation I think I would go the anonymous informer route. It saves your friend from the humiliation of knowing that you know, unless he decides to tell you himself, and it protects you from becoming the focus of anger or blame.
OK, I’d misunderstood the OP. I thought Wilma and Snogboy were also there for the conference - so I thought there was a decent chance it was just a once-off thing: everyone’s away from home, everyone has a few too many drinks after the conference and a couple of colleagues end up snogging. Again, a shitty thing to do, but not the end of the world.
But if she went there specifically to meet him…yeah, it’s very probably an affair.
I’m not really sure what the best course of action is in this sort of situation, but here’s my thoughts nonetheless. As others pointed out, given the circumstances of when and where you saw her, along with how she reacted, it’s a safe bet that she’s sleeping with that guy and her husband doesn’t know. All these ideas about pretending like you didn’t see what you saw seem rather dishonest to me, at least that I wouldn’t be comfortable trying to convince myself it might be something else.
So given that knowledge, what would I do with it? Personally, if I were married and someone knew my wife was cheating on me, I think I’d want to know. There may be some complicating factor that made me either more or less able to forgive her for it, perhaps the marriage is already falling apart and I had my suspicions, or maybe things seem great and it’s completely unexpected. But none of that really has anything to do with the person who tells me, what I do with that knowledge is my own choice. So, given that line of reasoning, I might be inclined to tell him.
However, ultimately, it’s HER issue. She’s the one cheating, and it’s up to her, she needs to fess up and face the consequences. By making that decision for her, you’re putting both of them in a rough spot. Maybe she’s going to confess on her own already. Maybe she feels guilty and ended it and he’d be happier not knowing. So, from that regard, I’d be inclined to say it’s best to strongly encourage her to do the right thing and step back.
Unfortunately, you’re in a bad situation and you shouldn’t be stuck here, but I do believe you have a moral obligation to do something, just as if I saw someone stealing, or whatever, I wouldn’t be comfortable just doing nothing. But at the same time, you are stepping into a mine field because you could damage your professional relationship with him, and possibly others, depending on how he and his wife respond to however you respond. Only you can answer if you think that risk is worth it settle whatever you feel your moral obligation is.
Personally, I think I’d feel I’d have to do something, and I’d probably at least start by strongly encouraging her to deal with it herself. After all, there’s no way you could tell him, given that she knows you know, and her not know that it was you. As for how I’d go from there would depend on how that conversation with her went.
During the fight the ensues Chauncey will tell Whoopi how he found out then both will know it was AK.
I would want to know instead of having someone who I thought loved me making a fool of me behind my back. But I would probably be too much of a coward to tell anyone.
What I choose to do with the information is my business. Friends’ affairs aren’t my business, even if they choose to involve me. The wife in this case was wrong to draw the OP into her deception. It’s his choice what he does about it, but he has no obligation to either party.
Not sure where you get that from what I said. It’s definitely the husband’s business, but knowing about the affair doesn’t obligate the OP to say anything.
I might tell, if the aggrieved party was very close to me, and if I planned to be there for him/her, to help deal with the fallout. But the OP, he’s not close to Wilbur, he won’t be anything but a bearer of bad tidings. He can drop the bomb and walk away. That doesn’t feel right.
I don’t believe I implied obligation at any point in my post. I said that what you do with your information is your business, which is contrary to what you claimed.
And I think it’s weird that telling someone the truth “doesn’t feel right” to you.
:dubious: There are a lot of painful truths in this world.
I get that, and I’m really not casting judgement on anyone who would choose to stay quiet in this situation. I just don’t understand “Telling someone the truth and hurting them feels wrong, unless I like them a lot.”