You never reciprocate because you don’t like the coworker well enough for it to not feel like a chore to give them a gift. You don’t like giving gifts out of sense of obligation. However, you do like giving gifts to people you genuinely care about. So you do (quietly) leave little presents for folks in the workplace. Just not this particular coworker.
Are you an asshole?
I’m having a little debate with someone about this, and I’m interested in what the SDMB thinks.
Is the coworker giving a little gift to everyone in the office or just some people? If it’s the latter, why do you get one and not some others? What’s the distinction between you and the non-gift-receiving other people?
Let’s say that you have a hard time imagining that the coworker gives the same gifts to everyone in the office since your gift is a tad expensive (relative to what’s generally expected from coworkers). The gift is not a token like a candy cane. It is the kind of gift you’d expect from a close friend or family member.
Giving a gift does not place an obligation on the recipient to reciprocate with a gift.
No.
That’s why.
No. At least, not in my opinion.
I like giving small gifts to casual friends and coworkers. It brings me pleasure, it gives me a few moments of connection with my friend.
It’s not at all about getting something in return. I don’t expect anything in return and it would disturb me if someone felt that they needed to reciprocate.
One year, I found some really nice little quartz crystal necklaces online in all different colors, I think I paid $40 for 50 of them. I gave them out to a lot of my casual friends, like the women I chat with at yoga class. I did not try to pretend that these were more than trinkets and if anyone seemed uncomfortable, I had no problem mentioning that it cost eighty cents. But it was one of the best purchases I ever made, I really enjoyed giving them away.
I really enjoy gift giving in general and it’s not about getting stuff in return. I would probably be even more generous than I already am if more people were comfortable receiving gifts, but a lot of people aren’t. When I fantasize about winning the lottery, I mostly think about how much fun it would be to have that much to give away.
I think I would give that gifter something very trivial. Maybe that would get the message over that we aren’t in a relationship where more expensive gifts are appropriate.
Or not. But no, not giving a gift doesn’t make one an asshole. Giving a fairly nice gift to someone who has not reciprocated for several years makes one an asshole, or at least trending in that direction.
Did not see this until after I posted. That would make me in uncomfortable, too. I’d try to talk to them about it. Because it would make me feel that they expected SOMETHING in return. Maybe not a gift. Maybe a favor, or just a closer relationship. And that’s not the right approach. I’d try to talk to them , I guess.
We had an issue at my workplace a few years ago, where a new female employee gave several of the guys Christmas gifts that were not only too expensive for a coworker but a touch too intimate. Clothing items, shirts I think. One of the men said “I’m supposed to tell my wife that some woman at work gave me this?”
This is the same woman who had a habit of inappropriately touching some of the guys. It wasn’t sexual, but a lot of them were overweight and she would touch or rub their stomachs, much like the way clueless people sometimes touch pregnant women.
Someone talked to her, and she stopped - but the whole thing was weird. Not even remotely sexual, just weird.
Both of these position sum up how I feel*. I would suspect some kind of emotional manipulation if a person were to give someone a nice gift when there is no existing friendship or kinship bond. And if it isn’t intentionally manipulative, it’s still weird. There’s a reason why people usually donate Christmas gifts to the less fortunate anonymously.
*I don’t know how I feel about talking to them about it, though. But that’s because I don’t know how you could talk to someone about this without hurting their feelings. But maybe that doesn’t matter?
I have a coworker who gives me a bag of crap every year and I wish he would stop it, so therefore I never reciprocate. Alas, that hasn’t worked. Perhaps giving him a bag of crap would put a stop to it?
That would make me rather uncomfortable to the point where I would strongly consider declining the gift. regardless if this co-worker expects anything in return or not, it’s kind of an ingrained cultural thing this time of year that gifts are “exchanged.” And being gifted something out of the blue like that would be putting the receiver on the spot.
Depends on the culture. I know a lot of Chinese people who believe the opposite.
A friend of mine has the policy of not giving gifts; he is very up-front in saying that if you give him a gift he will not give you one in return. I mentioned this to my (Chinese) wife when he came to visit. She said she understood, but nevertheless she was still pissed off when we treated him to dinner and he didn’t do the same thing in return.
I’m in a similar situation. Someone I know buys a small gift for a few of us. I don’t think most of us buy one in return. :shrugs:
100% this! Giving a gift with expectation of one in return isn’t a gift, it’a an exchange. To me, a gift is something given from the heart without any expectations.
It’s not only the Chinese, it’s Asian culture in general. Giving, receiving and saving face is huge. Talk to your wife and I suspect the anger isn’t about the dinner itself, but that your friend disrespected you and himself by not giving you face and saving his. At least, that’s how my parents would phrase things. “Oh, so sad he didn’t offer to take us to dinner, he must feel bad about that.” Though with my parents, it may have been a sly backstab. :dubious:
I posted in another thread about how my memories of the Christmas’ of the past are tainted with memories of my parents opening the gifts from their family and friends and making a mental tally of much was spent and arguing about how much they had to spend (to equal or better the gift) the next year.
Sometimes it gets really twisted as with my friend and his Japan national wife. Before they were married and just living together, her friend from Japan came to visit. As expected, my friend was obligated to treat her as an honored guest with the expectation that when he visited her in Japan, he’d be given the same treatment. However, when he went to Japan, his future wife made it show to have him still treat her family and friends as honored guests as a way to show him off!
Not direct gift giving/receiving, but Asian filial piety places a huge burden on the children. Asian parents in general will do everything possible to ensure their children are taken care of, hoping to ensure their receive a good education and job. It’s not all one-sided though. In return, the children as adults are expected to take care of their parents as well or better than they were. My parents (and I’ve heard this from my Asian friends too) wouldn’t accept money from the kids saying “You’ll pay me back later when you take care of me” or “Why give it to me when you’re just going to get it back later [in your inheritance].”
Save it a year, then re-wrap and give it back to him.
For fewer subtlety points: save it a day, re-wrap, give back
For no subtlety points at all: don’t bother with the re-wrapping
Put it on the ground outside his office door, set it on fire, knock, and watch what happens from behind a corner. I’m shocked I have to explain this to an adult human. You should have learned this stuff years ago. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
You can probably stop this by figuring out some organization or cause your coworker dislikes. Then give her a gift in exchange – a card stating that you donated x$ to this cause in their name.
This will probably cause the coworker to cease giving you a gift. But it might also have a bad effect on your relationship within the workplace.
Not the same as the OP, but…
I’m 59 and I have never celebrated Christmas. And I’m not going to, ever.
And everyone who knows me is aware of this.
But there are people that just have to give me something every year. I thank them and that’s the end of it. When people wish me happy holidays or merry Christmas I just say thank you.
Sounds harsh, but in reality I have little problem with it.
Or they might be totally clueless, which falls under weird.
You could say “thanks, but I don’t believe in giving gifts in the workplace” - assuming you have been good about hiding the gifts you do give. If the person persists, you don’t have to feel guilty at all.
And no one has said it explicitly so far, but you aren’t an asshole, even if you don’t give them a hint to stop.
How long has this been going on? I want to recalibrate my cluelessness meter.