After a couple of moves and a lot of treading water, I ended a long-term but ultimately dead-end relationship in January. I have been letting the dust settle since then, letting friends take me to parties and meeting as many people as possible.
A couple of weeks ago, I started to get the feeling that I had met everyone I had a chance of meeting on a regular basis, and that there weren’t really any starters there, so I joined eHarmony.
eHarmony has returned several promising matches, so far. I have my preferences set to “guided communication”, so it takes a while to get to the open communication phase where you can arrange to meet a guy for coffee. I have gotten to that phase with one guy, so far.
I rather like him. He’s good looking, well spoken, friendly, seems to be kind, and drives a red Mustang. With the exception of a little too/to confusion, he can even spell and write in grammatically correct sentences. We’re doing dinner and a movie this weekend. He even has the “right” ideas about evangelical Christianity (despises it), and mumbles something about going to college to study astronomy and make something better of himself.
Here’s the problem: I’ve ended up on eHarmony because I have an unfortunate propensity for unsuitable men. None of my “serious” relationships have been with men that it was both possible and wise to marry. In spite of this, some of them have gone on for years.
I see, in this guy, another man who wouldn’t be a suitable life partner. He comes from a blue-collar family that was both astonished and confused when he got an associate’s degree in criminal justice. When he decided not to be a policeman after all, he took a warehouse job, where he’s been ever since (though remember, he’s making noises about trying to go to college).
Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to be bold and original. He seems almost afraid to have opinions. He admits that he didn’t read my profile on eHarmony, just liked the pictures of me. He doesn’t read books. There’s nothing wrong with any of this–the vast majority of my family, to whom I am close and who I love very much, are like this. I know exactly where this guy is coming from.
The problem is that I have a doctorate and a research job. I read books like he breathes air. I have scads of friends who also read and think and talk (and won’t shut up) and argue and analyze. I make a six-figure income… probably three times what he does.
I like him. I really want to hang out with him and have fun with him. The socioeconomic difference, though, was an elephant in the room when we had coffee last weekend. It just kept coming up, accidentally. My whole world is research and conferences and publishing and travel, and his world is none of that. I feel like in the short term, he’ll do things just to please me, and in any long-term relationship, he’d get bitter and defensive. I also really don’t want that to be the case. Like I said, the guy is well spoken in the way that a smart person is–he just hasn’t been in an environment that encourages him to be mentally extroverted.
I’m a bit worried about his actual level of motivation, too. Talking about making something more of himself isn’t actually making more of himself. He didn’t read my profile. He says he’s pretty happy with his life now, working the warehouse job and sharing a house with two roommates (in a pretty affordable area of the country). I dunno. I would want more.
So… um… what should I do? Try to be kind with me. I’m 27, almost 28.