A day in the life of my Junk Mail filter..

Hmmm. 12 junk e-mails since noon. Let’s look at the subjects, shall we?

**jack off 4 free no charge 30 min offer **
I’m confused. Does this person come from a place where they charge to jack off? Who exactly do they get to collect that tax, and can the tax collectors write off the rubber gloves? Can I jack off for 30 minutes free, and after that there’s a charge, or is it only free if I respond in the next 30 minutes? Is this real time, or cumulative? If it’s the later, is there a time limit like, say AOL? Do I have 30 minutes a day/month/year/lifetime? I need more information.

the ultimate poker game…you versus live players
Well, that’s good, the dead ones were remarkably easy to beat, even though they have great poker faces.

Get your FREE mortgage…
A free mortgage? Wow. I can work free into my budget. I think I’ll buy Falling Waters.

**How’s your online business doing? **
I don’t think I would want to take any advice from someone who thinks spam is an effective marketing tool, thanks anyway.

**advantage **
This is either for flea medication or a very abreviated tennis score.

THANK GOD! I was just about to walk into the light, but this email pulled me back!

**WEIRD, They can help you **
No, THEY can’t. THEY are all out to get me!

All at once? Gonna be a mighty busy screen

SEE??? I told you THEY were out to get me!

**hey **
Nice to see Gary Glitter is doing OK after the whole child porn thingy.

**Make $18.90/per hour Guarenteed **
Stuffing envelops or sending spam? Either way, it’s a career with a future!

**WEIRD!, Is this cool or what?!! **
Yea. Spam. Real cool.

Jenna 11:39 AM -0500 3 (adlt) How far will she go? All the way!
Stacie 1:21 PM 10/1/02 -0800 1 Never Shave Again?

Ever notice how you get emails from Jenna or Stacie but seldom from Gertrude or Naomi?

**recordingpen@recorde.cu.99 11:34 PM 10/1/02 -0400 3 ADV:MP3 digital long time hi-Fi recording Pen,fully pc **

One would not want a politically incorrect recording pen, I guess…

Navarro Abrianna 3:06 AM -0700 8 Eliminate Creditor Harrassement Immediately…
Stacie 12:46 PM 10/1/02 -0800 1 Never Shave Again?

Persistent, isn’t she?

<sty2002_mortge_deb_nort2228t76@earthlink.net> 5:38 PM 10/1/02 -1000 1 Save 30% on your current loans [a d v ]
Savannah 9:07 AM -0700 16 Dear Ahunter! Public nudity & sex in public places! Jus

Fooey. It’s the public nudity and sex in non-public places that we want to learn more about…

James Burby 2:43 AM 10/2/02 -0400 4 FREE: Buy 5 and Get 1 Marlboro Carton Free!

Sally Kincaid

I hear from her 2 or three times daily. The subject is always “I laughed until I cried” or I laughed so hard I was in tears". I have hotmail, and Sally is one annoying lady.

I don’t pay attention to the from address, but I particularly like the ones that say “Increase your penis by 4 inches in 10 minutes”. Well, let’s see, that is a huge amount!!! Considering, we’re starting with nothing, how amazing!!! But, they are persistent, if I took every offer I received, I’d have 30 feet by now and Guinness would be knocking on my door. I must see the lady with the 30 foot penis that she got in 1 hour through internet offers!!! AARRRGHHHH!!!

Yeah, but my chest measurements would be pretty phenomenal by now. (Unless I availed myself of the less-often touted reduction services at some point along the way).

<scanning my inbox on a seldom used screenname>

** 100% FREE Nuddies!**
I wonder what a nuddie is. A type of nut?

** Lose 80lbs in 3 months!**
I think my doctor would advise against losing over half of my weight in three months, or, you know, at all. 'Sides, if I did that, I’d be in danger of having Sally Struthers following me around with a pork-chop.

** Increase your penis length by 3 inches!**
What the hell good would a 3 inch long penis be to me? Why don’t they at least try to avoid sending this crap to feminine names? I know they can get my first name, enough of it comes with my name in the subject line. I suppose I could keep it in a jar, and bring it with me when I’m hiking or something, so I could pee in the woods.

** Get Viagra without a prescription!**
Do I need this if I go hiking?

** Are you paying too much for Life?**
Someone should have told me I needed to keep paying for it, no wonder mine’s so dull lately.:smack:

** Chat with Singles for Free on Volura!**
Isn’t that one of the moons of Jupiter? :slight_smile:

Thank you for the biggest laugh of my day! :smiley:

I managed to stop just about all the junk spam to my Hotmail accounts by taking the filter to the max. So far, my yahoo account has stayed spam-free, and my netscape account gets occasional weird offers, but none of the hot, slutty teenage girls in heat that used to show up on Hotmail.

A friend’s mother somehow got hold of my email address, and started to include me in her “distributions”. She averaged three to five “Jesus Saves” and “worst virus ever” emails a day for weeks. Finally, I set up this rule…

Friend’s mom email rule #1

Apply this rule after the message arrives:
Where the From Line contains: Friend’s mom @ her email .com
and where the message body contains ‘virus’ or ‘jesus’ or ‘god’
Delete it

I felt a twinge of guilt, but I had to do it.