A different sort of joke thread

The Game Room
541

Eight points. EIGHT? What? So it’s my fault you work with morons? Sorry, I didn’t realize you were with the government.

(ba-dum, bump)
What? You’ve never heard the “Pickle Slicer” joke?!?!?!

Okay, next…

Niels Bohr and Albert Einstein are walking through the woods one fine Sunday afternoon discussing physics.

All of a sudden, a huge bear comes out of the trees and stands upon its hind legs, threatening to attack.

Albert Einstein starts to run away at a full sprint. Bohr yells to him “Albert, you know you can’t outrun a bear.”

Einstein yells back, “I know I can’t outrun a bear. I only have to outrun you.”

A long, long time ago, there once was a small peaceful village named Tridville. Naturally, the citizens of this Utopia were called the Trids. The only source of water the Trids had came from the Tridville Well, which sat high upon Tridville Hill at the edge of town. Any time one of the Trids wanted to get Tridville water, they had to climb the Tridville Hill and use the Tridville Bucket which was inside the Tridville Well in order to get Tridville Water out of the Tridville Well. Then they had to climb back down Tridville Hill carrying the Tridville Water. This went on for many years and life was good.

One day, a great evil dragon came and wrecked havoc upon the Trids and the village of Tridville. After much destruction, the Dragon decided to live upon Tridville hill and was quite threatening to both Tridville and the Trids, for the Evil Tridville Dragon, as he became known, had successfully cut off the Trids’ only water supply, that being the Tridville Well which sat high upon Tridville Hill. Now any time one of the Trids who wanted to get Tridville water out of the Tridville Well which sat upon Tridville Hill, they had to climb the Tridville Hill to try to use the Tridville Bucket which was inside the Tridville Well in order to get Tridville Water out of the Tridville Well, the Evil Tridville Dragon would kick the hapless Trid back down Tridville Hill without giving them the chance to use the Tridville Bucket to get Tridville water from the Tridville Well.

The Trids could do nothing to remedy the situation. Scores of Trids tried to climb Tridville Hill in order to remove the Tridville Dragon from Tridville Hill so once again they could climb Tridville Hill and use the Tridville Bucket in order to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well. As soon as they advanced upon it, the Tridville Dragon kicked every single Trid who had scaled Tridville Hill in order to reclaim the right to use the Tridville Bucket to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well which sat high upon Tridville Hill *back *down Tridville hill.

The Trids then made a plea to the King, and the King sent an army of Trids to climb Tridville Hill in order to remove the Tridville Dragon from Tridville Hill so once again the noble and peaceful Trids could climb Tridville Hill and use the Tridville Bucket in order to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well without harrassment from the Tridville Dragon. As soon as the army of Trids advanced upon it, the Tridville Dragon kicked every single Trid soldier who had scaled Tridville Hill in order to reclaim the right to use the Tridville Bucket to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well which sat high upon Tridville Hill *back *down Tridville hill.

As a last resort, the King of Tridville plead with Tridville’s only Rabbi, from the Tridville synagogue. The Rabbi agreed to ascend Tridville Hill and dispatch the Tridville Dragon from Tridville Hill so that, once again, Trids would have the ability to climb Tridville Hill to reach the Tridville Well which sat high upon Tridville hill to use the Tridville Bucket to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well.

The Rabbi spent all night in silent prayer, asking not to be disturbed but only for a meager diet of bread and water. At dawn, he emerged from the Synagogue prepared to ascend Tridville Hill in order to dispatch the Tridville Dragon so that, once again, Trids would be able to use the Tridville Bucket which was inside the Tridville Well in order to get Tridville Water out of the Tridville Well. A crowd had gathered and stood almost in total silence as the Rabbi approached the foot of the hill. Women sobbed, babies cried and men stood in great anticipation.

The Rabbi ascended the Tridville Hill. The Tridville Dragon was not asleep but barely opened an eye as the Rabbi approached. The Rabbi got closer, and the Tridville Dragon began to snore slightly. The Rabbi slowly approached the Tridville Well. He lowered the Tridville Bucket into the Tridville Well in order to obtain Tridville Water to take back down Tridville Hill to take back to the Trids. As the Tridville Bucket descended, the Tridville Dragon raised an eyebrow, slightly.

The Rabbi was successful. He had been able to ascend the Tridville Hill without being disturbed by the Tridville Dragon to use the Tridville Bucket to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well, which stood high upon the Tridville Hill. After giving praise for his success, the Rabbi began to descend Tridville Hill so that he could demonstrate his good fortune to the citizens of Tridville.

After only two steps, he stopped and turned to the Tridville Dragon. He asked “Excuse me, Tridville Dragon, but I have one question for you. Every time a Trid from Tridville attempted to climb Tridville Hill to use the Tridville Bucket to obtain Tridville Water from the Tridville Well which sits high upon Tridville Hill, you, the Evil Tridville Dragon would kick any Trid back down Tridville Hill. Yet, you allow me to complete the task unhindered. I do not understand.”

The Tridville Dragon smacked his lips slowly and replied, “Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Trids.”

I’ll bet you green money you’ve never heard that one before. :slight_smile:

Two molecules are doing the town, just being pals when a bit of roughhousing and horseplay ensues.

All of a sudden, one of them says, “Wait – I’ve lost an electron.”

The other one asks, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Well, you *said *to bring it. :smiley:

542

…

I guess they could have been discussing psychics, but you would have seen that one coming.

543

Why do Jews have large noses?

Air is free!

A moyul has a pretty good job. The pay’s not great, but you get a lot of tips.

Did you see on the news the other night about the little boy who was born with no eyelids? Fortunately, when they performed the circumcision, they were able to fashion new eyelids for him out of the leftover skin. The only problem is that now he’s cockeyed.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn’t keep her pupils straight.

544

A horse walked into a bar.

The barman said, “JESUS CHRIST THERE’S A FUCKING HORSE IN THE BAR! Everybody out, out, out! Don’t spook it, don’t spook it, just give it space, give it space, as long as it doesn’t…yeah, great there goes the carpet. I just redecorated for fu… not the optics, not the optics… fine, fine, it’s only my entire stock-in-bastard-trade, stay cool. City fucking Farm my arse. I had better be insured for this shit. Hello, yeah, police please. I’m calling from The Eagle at Kilburn. There’s a horse in my bar. Yes, really a horse. Yes, really in a bar. What? Well, seeing as how you ask, smartarse, it’s because I’ve just watched my livelihood get the shit kicked out of it by a runaway horse. Now cut the jokes and get me some help. Everyone’s a fucking comedian.”
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a single entendre.

So the barman has sex with her.

545

9 points.

546

Two solid entries.

9 points.

8 points.

547

I think you’re right.
Zero points.

548

:confused::confused::confused:

Are we in the right thread here?

:confused::confused::confused:

549

Two guys on a train both had a fresh black eye. First guy says to the second “how’d you get that shiner?” Second guy says “the lady selling the train ticket had huge boobs. I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburgh, but I was staring at her boobs and accidentally asked for a picket to tits-burgh instead, so she slugged me.” First guy says “that’s just like my story! I was having breakfast with my wife this morning, and I meant to say ‘please pass the cereal’, but I accidentally said ‘you bitch, you ruined my life!’”

550

[quote=“Uncle_Brother_Walker, post:541, topic:523865”]

Einstein yells back, “I know I can’t outrun a bear. I only have to outrun you.”

The Tridville Dragon smacked his lips slowly and replied, “Silly Rabbi. Kicks are for Trids.”

Two molecules are doing the town, just being pals when a bit of roughhousing and horseplay ensues.

All of a sudden, one of them says, “Wait – I’ve lost an electron.”

The other one asks, “Are you sure?”

The first replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points.

Let’s see…zero times three equals…Zero :smiley:

551

And zero times 4 is also zero.

552

Zero points.

553

Where do they both work?

IHOP.

554

Gimme my money. I first heard that in the early Seventies; it was quite popular in my elementary school. :smiley:

Satan is bored and decides to go have some fun on Earth. So he appears in the middle of a Baptist church service in a small town, revealed in all of his evil splendor in a giant cloud of fire and brimstone. Everyone in the church screams and runs out except for one crusty old codger seated in the front row, who doesn’t budge.

The Prince of Darkness, flaming pitchfork in hand, his monstrous wings outstretched, leans down and says, “May I ask why aren’t you scared of me, sir?”

The codger scoffs and crosses his arms. “Ha! Been married to your sister for 42 years.”

A barnstorming pilot is selling rides at a Vermont county fair. He notices a grizzled old farmer and his wife looking over the plane and says, “Five minutes for five dollars, folks - you’ll have a great time!”

The farmer shakes his head. “That’s too much. I’d never pay that much for a ride in one of these newfangled contraptions.”

The pilot says on a whim, “Tell you what, mister. I’ll take you and your wife up for five minutes. If you can both be completely silent for the entire ride, it’s free. Otherwise you pay me five bucks afterwards. What do you say?”

The farmer and his wife huddle briefly and agree. The pilot takes them up and gives them the ride of a lifetime: spins, loops, turns, steep climbs and even steeper dives. The farmer and his wife don’t make a sound.

Eventually the pilot lands and says, “I gotta hand it to you, mister, you’re pretty tough. Most people would’ve been screaming their heads off after just a minute of that.”

“Five dollars is five dollars,” the farmer says. “I’ll admit, though, I almost said something after my wife fell out.”

555

Zero points.

556 

Zero points.

8 points.
557

:: tugs nervously at necktie ::

Tough crowd. Tough crowd!

558

This joke works best if you say all dialogue in an exaggerated Italian accent:

One day, after hours painting the celing of the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo decided to take a break. He looked down from the scaffolding and saw that the church was empty except for one frail old Italian lady saying her prayers.

Michelangelo was a bit irreverent and loved playing practical jokes, so he called down to her, “Old laaaaaadyyyyy, this is Jesus talking to youuuuu…”

The old woman went on saying her prayers, and never even looked up.

Michelangelo thought, “Maybe the old lady is hard of hearing. I’ll try again.” He intoned, “Old laaaadyyyyy, this is Jesus talking to youuuuuu…”

The old lady stirred for a moment, but never looked up, and kept on saying her prayers.

Finally, Michelangelo decided to give his joke one last try, and called in his loudest voice, “OOOOOLD LAAAADYYYY, THIS IS JEEESUS TALKING TO YOOOUUUU…”

At last, she looked up angrily and yelled, “Shaddup a you face! I’m-a talk-a to your MOTHER!!!”

559

We’d hate to leave out the antipodean cousins, so:

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

560

I remember reading this on the Dope a long time ago and always liked it…

A man goes into the doctor and complains about a bright orange rash around his crotch. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and sure enought there is a bright orange rash. The doctor is stumped. He says it may be because of stress. “Have you had changes in your job?”

The man says, “Well I lost my job a few months ago.”
The doctor says, “Maybe that is causing it?”
“No, the old job was horrible and I’ve got a new job with more pay and I’m really enjoying it.”

The doctor asks, “What about your marriage?”

“Well, I was just divorced…”

“Maybe that is it.”

The man explained, “No, my wife was a real bitch and I’m very happy to be without her.”

The doctor says, “I’m at a loss. I can’t think of any reason for this.”

The man says, “Me too Doc! I don’t have any real stress now. I just come home from work and watch porn movies and eat Cheetos.”