I’m in for it with this one, but here goes …
There are three kinds of Ethnics, who can be categorized as Motees, Monbacks, and Doodahs.
The highest-class Ethnics are the Motees. They like to dress up in nice clothes and hold well-behaved little parties for each other. They are so named because they often say “Mo’ tea?”
In the middle are the Monbacks. They do work, but at menial jobs like Parking Lot Attendant. They are so named because they wave at drivers and yell " 'Mon back!"
And, at the bottom, are the Doodahs. They don’t work at all, they just sit around saying “Do dah check come today or do dah check come tomorrah?”
The wife of the German factory worker was nearing her ninth month and they still didn’t have a crib. Money was very tight, and the poor worker wasn’t sure what to do, so he slowly started stealing parts from the factory.
Before his wife went into labor, he quickly took the parts he had taken and tried to make them into a crib. But no matter what he did, or how he arranged the parts, he always ended up with a machine gun.
A little boy was sitting behind the bus driver singing over and over:
“If my mommy was a hippo and my daddy was a hippo then I’d be hippo.
If my mommy was a lion and my daddy was lion then I’d be lion.
If my mommy was a monkey and daddy was a monkey then I’d be monkey.”
The bus driver finally snaps and snarls “What if you’re mommy was a whore
and your daddy was a bum?”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“You actually know that many women?” he asks, amazed.
“No,” says the mad mailer. “I don’t know any of them.”
“Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?” asks the man.
Lincoln was called “two-faced” by a critic and joked, “If I was two-faced, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”
Lincoln grew frustrated with the slow pace of Gen. George McClellan’s military operations and said, “If Gen. McClellan doesn’t want to use the Army of the Potomac, I’d like to borrow it for awhile.”
When Lincoln ran for Congress against a well-known local Baptist preacher, he attended one of his opponent’s tent-revival meetings. The preacher noticed him and said, “Everybody who thinks he’ll go to Heaven, stand up!” Quite a few people stood up. Then he said, “Everybody who wants to go to Heaven, stand up!” Everybody stood up but Lincoln. The preacher whirled towards Lincoln and said, “And you, Mr. Lincoln, where do you want to go?”
“I reckon I’d like to go to Congress,” he replied, grinning.
Speaking of The temperature of Hell… An old chestnut, which has been often repeated on the Internet (one example) – so I’m not claiming it’s mine by any stretch) – but a good one: