A Doper observes quality parenting - episode XXIXCM

The BBQ Pit
1

I Am Not A Parent. I do not propose to say what is good or bad parenting, because I haven’t been there. However, last night I thought about going there. I thought about a little chubby baby in a hooded towel, sitting on my lap, looking just like Mr. Jarbaby, and I said…

yes, I’ll take it.

But then I said, you know what, even though I’m 28, college educated, good at being a married human being, a good cook, a good housekeeper, relatively stable career wise, and otherwise outwardly prepared for motherhood, I don’t know if I’m EMOTIONALLY prepared. I don’t know if I have the sense of responsibility or maturity or psychological balance and patience that is necessary for the job.

Then I got on the Red Line train downtown this morning.

The Red Line train is packed at 8:00. And I was packed into it. But I had to be careful, because Youthful Mom had her four kids on the train. Two of them were sitting on the floor of the train car (The hygenic implications of which I cannot even begin to fathom), one was standing on a seat and one was in her lap. The children, ranging in age from about six down to two, were enjoying breakfast. What were they having? Each had a king size snickers bar and a chocolate milk! Fantastic! And also fun for the child who was smearing chocolate on the riders around him. The children sitting on the floor of the train car had a little picnic spread out of food, milk, toys and their own legs, which forced me to ride completely off balance, leaning forward to hold the rail, making sure not to spill my coffee on the kids who would periodically pop up and try to shove over to their mom, squealing and screeching, pushing people out of their way.

When others tried to get on the train, the mom would call out “Watch out for my kids.” Well, golly, someone should!

When one of the smaller children asked her what a sign said, pointing to it with interest in possibly, oh I don’t know, learning how to read, she said,

“I don’t know. Don’t read things.”

Great.

I’m pretty sure if she can do it…

I can too.
jarbaby

2

Actually, I think you’d be a terrific mom! Great idea! We need more people like you and jarhubby reproducing.

And yes, we, as a species, managed to survive quite a long time with that train mom more as the rule than the exception. Go for it!

And, if you need the help of a proven performer with a track record of producing fillies… :wink:

3

I’m not sure what she was doing that qualified as “raising children,” I’d classify it more as “destroying society from the inside out.” Too bad forced sterilization would be unconstitutional.

4

Well now! That thar is jest good advice! Dontcha know them thar books’ll jest lern ya wrong!

Seriously, though. I think that many of the people who should have kids–people that are thoughtful, caring, smart, etc.–often don’t have kids and those that aren’t very thoughtful at all have a barrel full. It may have something to do with over thinking it.

5

Hey, somebody has to drag the average up. I’m doing my part best I can. Go for it!

Make sure you’ve got the bulk of your youthful indiscretions/ambitions/big trip vacation thingies out of the way first, though, because as Gallagher pointed out, “a baby is a boat anchor in a diaper.”

6

Wow, you just completely described me, and my current attitude towards parenthood.

Well, of course, I’m not married. Nor am I a good cook or a good housekeeper. Plus, I don’t have boobs.

[sub]Whaddayamean she didn’t mention her boobs?[/sub]

7

Golly, Dutchie, what are you saying? We’re made for each other? Because I’ll throw Mr. Jar right outta bed.

jarbaby

8

Well, I was merely saying that I agreed with you on the responsibility thing, really.

But if I can get some gratuitous sex on the side, who am I to disagree? :wink:

9

hell, who are any of us to disagree??

[sub] so, that wasn’t an open offer then? never mind…[/sub]

10

In a way, being emotionally ready to have kids is like being emotionally ready to have a bear gnaw your arm off.

It ain’t gonna happen.

(not that these two things are similar, just that they share the property of not being possible to be emotionally prepared for.)

I have only one child.

I cannot imagine 3. If I had 3 I would p[robably lose the ability to read as well.

Kids are messy. They will do disgusting things. They’re kids. Have a kid for a year, and hygiene becomes a thing of the past. I’ve eaten sandwiches while changing diapers.

You start to get shell-shocked.

Being stuck on a train with 3 small children isn’t going to show that parent off at her best.

When I’m at a restaurant and my daughter somehow manages to take her diaper off and put it on her head (while tossing crackers everywhere,) my reaction is “If there ain’t poop in that diaper and it keeps her happy and quiet and gives me a chance to finish my linguine, than she can wear the diaper on her head.”

I can’t tell you the dirty looks I got. Maybe they were right.

You do your best, but you can’t be superparent 100% of the time.

My 18 month old daughter will sit quietly and sip a can of Diet Coke for an hour in absolute contentment.

She should be drinking her milk or her juice, but, once in a while, I make the strategic decision to keep her happy and occupied with the Coke.

11

Scylla, like I said, I’m not here to say what’s good or bad parenting. But I do strongly believe (probably because of how I was raised) that a five or six year old can STAND on a train car instead of taking up seven square feet of space during rush hour on a Wednesday morning.

I also strongly believe (and you will not sway me) that king size snickers bars are not really a good 8:15 breakfast treat for a two year old.

sorry.

12

Jarbaby:

No. I agree with you. On all your points.

Kids can be overwhelming though. I wan’t there so I can’t judge. But, I do know we all have our moments when we fail, when things get out of hand, when we are overwhelmed.

Or I do, anyway.

13

Am I the only one hoping that, if jarbabyj does have a baby, she won’t keep it in a jar?
Just thought I would bring that up…

14

If that’s your fear, just be sure to keep Brett Favre away from me :smiley:

jarbaby

15

If it makes you feel any better, I was equipped with few (if any) of the qualities you describe when I became a father at 20. I like to think I’ve developed all of them quite nicely. I think dedicated, thoughtful, intelligent people will make good parents[sup]1[/sup], and the emotional preparation you refer to develops when it’s needed. Like when baby wakes up in the middle of the night 'cause she’s hungry for the fifth time, and you haven’t slept at all…

BTW, what do you call jarbabys baby? Is that baby jarbaby? Jarbaby Jr.? Jarbaby the Younger?

[sup]1[/sup]Not that I’m ascribing any of these qualities to myself. I’m just saying these people tend to make good parents.

16

Go for it, jarbaby. One of the signs that your are ready for parenting is that you have realized how difficult it is to be a good parent, and wonder if you will manage. That says you are capable of the concern for your child’s well being that a good parent should have.
I think that more of the people who have doubts about their parenting abilities should have children. There are far and away too many of the type who give absolutely no thought to the subject out there having children - you know the ones. Absolutely incapable of managing their own lives, but ignorantly certain that they will be able to manage the lives of their children.
What I am trying to say is that more of the thoughtful, careful people out there should be helping to populate the world instead of leaving it entirely to the thoughtless boobs.

17

Several points, kids get up pretty early. It might not have been breakfast you were observing but simply a snack to help keep the kids occupied. No, I would not let a 5 year old stand up in a train. The woman probably shouldn’t have had the kids with her at that particular time of morning with commuters heading to work, but I’m sure if it was her preference she wouldn’t have had it that way either.
Being a parent is giving up most of your life to the welfare of another. But you do it willingly and without complaint. No one can tell you how to raise a child. No one can express in words the love that you feel towards that child. As stated by another poster above, you reach the point where as long as the kid is happy and no harm is being done you let them stay quiet for a while so you can do whatever chore it is that needs to be done.
If and when you do decide to become a parent, you’ll see things in a different light. When that time comes, believe me you will remember all the judgements you have passed on parents. I did the same thing before my son was born, and you can bet I don’t do it now. In other words, wait until you walk a mile in a parent’s shoes.

18

**
Actually I believe that seeing that parent on a train with 3 kids should show them off at their best. My kids wouldn’t be acting like that in public because they know when it’s time to play and when it’s time to straighten up and behave and being in a public place is most definitely the time to behave. That mother should have had more control over her kids.

**
If I’d been there you would have gotten a dirty look from me. Again, this isn’t the appropriate time or place to let your daughter behave like that. I don’t understand why you would want your daughter to behave like that in the first place. She’s old enough to understand what “No” means and she’s old enough to start learning what’s appropriate behavior and what isn’t. Different strokes for different folks, I know, but I’m glad my kids don’t do shit like that because I’d be really embarassed if they did.

And jarbaby, I don’t think anyone is ever completely prepared to have a child. It’s a lot of work raising kids but you just kind of go with the flow, relax, don’t let little things stress you out too much. As long as you have a lot of love and a lot of patience you’ll be a great mom!

19

You’d prefer they were sitting on the dirty floor, where they were invariably stepped on and in danger of having coffee spilled on them, and had no place to hold on? You’ve lost me.

I think the first line of my OP said I was not judging, simply observing. And if becoming a mother means that I’m going to forget the basic tenents of nutrition while trying to foster the life of a healthy human being, I think I’ll pass.

And really, what I loved best was the admonition to her child “Don’t read things”. And no, the sign said nothing objectionable. It was “Please stand clear of the doors”

jarbaby

20

Situations like this, I try and make up stories to explain why that could very well be me. For instance:

Her Dad had a stroke yesterday. He’s gonna die by tomorrow, day after, tops. He’s in a hospital across town and there isn’t anybody she trusts to sit for the kids. She has to go see him, and as early as possible. Lord knows Mom isn’t up to making decisions on her own. The kids are just getting over a cold that put them in bed for a week and should have put her there with them but of course she couldn’t stop and rest. They’re whiney and restless and don’t really resemble her angels at all, and she just dosen’t have the emotional reserves to do more than make sure they aren’t getting themselves killed right now. She was in so many pieces this morning that she forgot to even feed them, and with five minutes before the train got there, she bought a handful of snickers and chocolate milk. At least the novelty of chocolate for breakfast would keep them amused for the first half of a train ride. The kids are all over the place in the train because they know Mommy’s really sad and strange and that scares the living piss out of them, but she dosen’t have what it takes to do much about it because she knows that this will actually be the easiest part of the day for her. So she sits there, exhausted and a little stunned, trying to ignore everyone’s dirty looks.