HOLY schnikeys Manda JO, am I getting frequent flier miles for this guilt trip?
Once again, I’m not suggesting this mother was satan incarnate, nor am I suggesting that I would have done better (in fact the point of my OP was that I’m not sure I can!). The point was, I saw a minimum of four ‘interesting’ if not ‘terrible’ choices made on behalf of four toddler/kindergarten age children and said “there but for the grace of god go I”. Is it not as easy to buy four bananas as four candy bars? I can buy bananas at the gas station for pete’s sake.
Parenting is kind of like taking the art test at the back of a comic book. Almost anyone can trace the picture of Bambi, but that won’t make you an artist. And lots of couples can get the sperm and egg together, but we all need on-job-training once the kid is born.
The fact that you can recognize a bad parenting moment when you see it, and are old enough, educated, stable, and doubting your abilites as a mom, sound like great qualifications. You have a baby, and trust me, you’ll get the emotional stability to be the mom, because you are emtionally stable and responsible already. Personally, I was sure I’d hate it, had no mothering experience and had never even held a baby or wanted to, before having my first. He’s 10, his brother is 8 and there isn’t enough space on the web to tell you how great they are.
And you don’t have to be perfect. Having kids is hard work. You’ll have bad parenting days, which are kind of like bad hair days. The subway woman may have been having one, or she may suck as a parent. I’d lean towards the latter, but I’d have to know her kids to be sure. As a parent, you’ve just got to do your best and try not to get worked up about what other people think.
And you do still get to take vacations, even with kids. Just carry extra money to tip waiters, porters and cab drivers. All the good vacation stories I remember seem to involve projectile vomiting. And I know I’m officially a mommy because I think they’re all hysterically funny. Now that they’re not happening any more.
That’s fantastic. I’m writing that down. If I ever have kids, every night they’ll be asked,
“What is the law?”
“Don’t read things!”
“Excellent. You have won the opportunity to battle your brothers and sisters for your dinner. Report to the dojo.”
Scylla, I apologize if I offended you, that wasn’t my intent. I was just trying to say that I can understand being busy and eating a sandwich while changing a diaper. I can understand letting your child drink a soda instead of milk or juice so they’re quiet and content for awhile. What I can’t understand is letting a child behave so badly in public (like this woman on the train) and not doing anything about it. I’ve had my own public failures and embarassing moments as a parent too. My kids have thrown fits in public and acted up and thrown food in restaurants (amongst other things) but I don’t just sit back and let it happen.
Jarbaby, I wasn’t trying to make ypu feel guilty, I was just pointing out what I, myself, do in situations like that in order to keep some perspective. And I think that this help me, because in those times in my life where everything has gone to hell and strangers see me at my worst I am more apt to assume that the people around me are reacting with compassion, not critisism.
It’s good to pay attention to people ande parenting, because that is how we learn what we think is really important, how we decide what matters to us. But I think it is healthier to give people the benefit of the doubt, to assume that this might well have been the single worst day of this woman’s life. I am more using your example as a chance to expound upon myu personal philosophy than picking you out for critisim.
(And the reason you buyt snickers instead of Bananas is that a) one day of Snickers for breakfast/year is really not an issue nad 2) the idea is to give them a treat so that they stay relitively calm. And do they sell Bananas in subway newstands?)
Scylla: I’m getting up off the floor, I’ve been laughing so hard here. Ethilrist: That has to be the only Gallhager quote I’ve liked. Thanks!
You start out being a hyperconcered parent. Every little whine, you’re there hugging, cuddling, kissing. 18 months later, you look over the kid, make sure he’s in one piece and not bleeding, and tell him to go back to playing. Disasters become commonplace. You become an expert at figuring out what the hell they’ve smeared on themselves this time. (Gee, son, I didn’t know cheese, Comet and garlic fused together this well! Oh, it’s the Maple Syrup! Silly me.)
You also become immune to the opinions of others. In public, I really don’t give a crap what other people think. My kids behave, and that’s what I require of them. When I hear a toddler cut loose with a whining/crying spell, I can tell wether or not he’s hungry, sleeping, wet or just got told No again. I don’t pass judgement on the parents, I just nod and move on.
If you become a parent, you’ll find there are thousands of people in this world who are ready to judge you and cast you into the deepest pits of hell for even the slightest misstep. And you’ll find most of them don’t have kids. The rest have no clue about your circumstances and don’t care, you’re not doing things the way they did.
I know sometimes things look horrible, but you don’t know the whole story. I’m not saying what she was doing was right, because it sounds bad even to me, but don’t be quite so hasty to jump to conclusions.
I am that mother on the train, only I have just one kid and Cranky Jr would’ve been eating crumbs off the filthy floor because, unlike the mom in question, I would’ve had my nose in a book. Heh.
No, that’s not quite true.
I have no doubt, jarbaby, that what you witnessed was indeed a mom Who Does Not Have Her Shit Together, and I felt your caveats and apologies before going into it were adequate. This is not someone you want to take parenting lessons from.
But like ol’ Scylla & St. Zero said, you’re gonna surprise yourself with the stuff you decide to stop fretting over once the fruit of your loins is in the toddler stage.
If this is any comfort when it comes to your doubts, I had the freaked-out willies about my emotional readiness for parenthood throughout the entire 41 weeks of pregnancy. I was, by the calendar, supposedly mature enough, but I lacked the patience, equanimity, optimism, and goodwill that one associates with sane motherhood. No matter. You end up loving the little monster enough that it makes up for what you lack in character.
I’m not offended at all. Thanks though for being nice.
I’m just saying that I measured the badness of the diaper on the head while I get to eat my linguine in peace as my daughter sits contentedly saying “hat,” versus screaming temper tantrum daughter who is exhausted and cranky and has been perfect all day but is now very upset because I removed her hat. You’ll notice that in scenario 2 there is no Scylla eating Linguine.
oh, hell, can’t wait for some people to experience teenagers. My s-i-l for example - she raised her eyebrow at my son when he’d dyed his hair green, and had an eye brow pierced, told him that she ‘wasn’t going to give him attention for that’ (which I found richly amusing if not highly ironic), then turned to her two darlins’ and commented that while their cousin may have done this, “we don’t do things like that” (while he’s standing there, of course.
I’m selling tickets for when her eldest hits high school. Any takers?
Or, maybe for my brother in law who sneered at me letting my son listen to his choice in music at age 13 (he grew out of it by the age of 14), with the withering “well, I wouldn’t let my son listen to stuff like that”. Of course, his son is an antisocial (can I call a child names? noooo) kid who when his ailing grandma asked him to get her a glass of pop said not a word, got up, walked past the kitchen, to the living room up to his mom and said ‘grandma wants a pop’.
(and on the OP - I certainly didn’t feel prepared for mommydom. If I’d have waited til I felt I’d be good at it, hell, I’d have a lot more money today. But, I can’t imagine my life w/o him. First days in the hospital, I accidentally stuck the tape on the diaper on his skin :eek: I called the nurse 'cause I was afraid that I’d tear his fragile skin. A few months later, we were firmly at the ‘5 second rule’, etc.)
I’m not in any position at all to have kids, but I think that even if I were, I couldn’t handle it.
I like the metaphor of the baby being an anchor in a diaper.
But, on the other hand, there are some things that we don’t think we’re ready for, and sometimes don’t even really want to do but when we look back, we thank heaven we did.
That was Lauren’s nugget of wisdom for the day. Ain’t it sad?
Oh, and a postscript: All else about the metro mother was explainable but the “Don’t read things.” That is the absolute best way to get your kids to have no intellectual curiosity or the ability to back up any remnants of the former.
jarbaby, as others have said, recognizing that you’re not emotionally ready is a pretty good indicator that in fact, you just might be. But I’d heed these words anyway:
Truer words have never been spoken.
I’m a Scylla style parent. I have come to believe that allowing them to occasionally–occasionally– do or have something that they’re not normally allowed to do or have won’t kill them or me.
I remember once when I was about 7 years old, my brother and I had ice cream for breakfast. My mom gave it to us. We were out of eggs & bread. We had cereal, but no milk. And it was All-Bran, and not even my mom was mean enough to make us eat that stuff dry. So, we had ice cream.
I do my best to see that my kids eat decently. Sometimes I fail. I try to make them behave in public. Sometimes I fail. That’s the way of it with most parents, and most kids turn out okay.
I have two toddlers, and while I can’t imagine giving them Snickers for breakfast on any occasion except Christmas morning (our tradition is that the kids can stuff themselves with whatever garbage HoHo’s left in their stockings), I can realte to being caught in public at our worst:
My best friend from high school got pregnant two months after me (with my first child). She was in a crappy situation, albeit of her own making. The father was an asshole and a drunk. Of course she was knocked up almost immediatley after the birth of the first child. I cut off contact with her because I couldn’t stand to see her and her children in the lifestyle she chose. She’s not uneducated - she has a college degree and is an RN at the ER in our town. All the people we used to be friends with talk about the rotten choices she’s made for herself. I run into her occasionally at the ER or the mall and promise to come by or call and get together, etc. if I can’t avoid talking to her. All this time I’ve felt smugly superior as a parent and to be honest, as a human being.
Last weekend I had to work day shift on Sunday. Hubby brings the kids over to have lunch with me if I’m here on the weekend. We had some friends over the evening before and hubby spent all Sunday morning cleaning up the house and getting things back to normal. By noon the kids were ready to get out of the house and driving Dad nuts. He loads them into the car, unwashed, uncombed, unshod, and in clothing of their own choosing (ages 3 and 4). Before he stopped for take-out for lunch, he bought gas at the service station down from our house, and there was former friend. She got to see my kids in all their Sunday morning finery. I had no clue (and hubby was not about to tell me either) until yesterday when my older daughter said “April’s coming to see me!” Imagine my distress, and my hubby’s sheepish look when I questioned him. GAH!
I was literally sick to my stomach. (Nauseous? Nauseated? I’m not going into it again). I hope it made April feel a little better, though, especially if she’s heard any of the things others have said about her.
Oh me, me, me!!! I can explain that!!! If that kid were anything like my kids can be, that kid might have asked the mother to read every fucking sign between here and home. Sometimes we parents just snap and say the darnedest things
And jane_says? My SO is in charge of getting the kids to school and childcare 3 mornings a week. I leave for college at 7.30 am. I have frequently been mortified by the appearance of my darling wee souls at the end of the day. I cannot seem to get through to my SO that there is a chest full of clothing and I really don’t mind washing dirty clothes, there’s no real need to recycle dirty clothing.
I am the married single parent of five.
I know there are more out there like me, but let me explain that…I am married, I have five heathens, and I do everything with them by myself. Swimming, walking the nature trail, family functions, you name it, I do it alone.
I have been that harried woman seen in the grocery store ready to snap at a moments notice.
I love my little darling heathens, and wouldn’t know what to do without them.
But, people do have bad parenting days.
For example just today I decided to take the little lovelies into Hobbie Lobby with me. I know I shouldn’t have, but they know the rules and can repeat them when asked.
Kricket before entering the store “now guys, what are the rules in the store?”
Heathens all together “No touching, no running, no yelling”
Flash forward 15 minutes…
Kricket “Alright everybody, hands in pockets!” Which means that they have been touching everything in sight.
Kricket “I’m at 2” Which means that they have upset me so much I skipped 1.
Kricket again “Don’t make me beat your dad when we get home!” Which got me stares from a couple of old ladies.
My kids are basicly well behaved in public, but we have our days like today.
Nobody is ever ready for parenthood. No matter what they think. It’s a tiring, sad, funny, and wonderful adventure and you have to kind of go with the flow a bit.
Reminds me of Bill Cosby’s (“Himself”) video where he describes letting the kids eat chocolate cake for breakfast. Mom walks in to hear her children chanting, “Dad is great! He feeds us chocolate cake!”
A key theme throughout the tape is: “We parents don’t care about justice. We just want QUIET.”
I would just like to reiterate again, that I am not judging the woman on the train as a bad or good mother, but one who was making odd, inexplicable choices, which some of you have all explained.
I’m sure she’s a wonderful, well adjusted, literate, cuddly mom.
My point was, perhaps I’m worrying too much about the mental/emotional skills necessary for parenting, since there’s bottomless wells of evidence in this nutty world that the bar isn’t too high to start with. Looks like if I’m willing to read my kid a book or feed him fresh fruit every once in a while and don’t drown him in a bathtub or keep him in the trunk of my car while I’m at work, I’m going to be up for some awards.
