A "FAMILY GUY" Request

Hello all,

So, I’m in a bit of a bind. I need to do a quick, comedic monologue for an event on the weekend, and the one I’d really like to do is Brian’s coked-up rant from the ‘Family Guy’ episode “The Thin White Line”.

Unfortunately, my DVD is on loan, and I can’t find a transcript on the web.

Can anyone help me out?

Specifically, I’m looking for the monologue in which Brian starts be telling Lois about finding some guy smuggling drugs in his baby’s diapers (I think) and then goes into a big rant about there’s no moral decency anymore.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.


If you don’t have any luck by tomorrow I’ll do it for ya :slight_smile:

Thanks, Ponster! I’ll let you know.


Ah… friends.

I was just emailed the transcript. If anyone wants it…

“My day? Un-FREAKIN-believable. First, first we nail this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter’s doll. Her DOLL for God’s sake! Oh, where’s the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It’s, it’s it’s not even the RADAR screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey. BAM! Freakin’ evaporated like a dingy, stinkin’ mud-puddle. One, one day you, you see your reflection in it, and the next day it’s, it’s a, it’s a damn OIL SPOT on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah, and knowing the perverted truths and rot in the pit of your soul. That’s how my freakin’ day was!”

Thanks for offer, all the same Ponster.


Can I play your coked-out, scantily-clad whore?

Type casting’s a bitch, isn’t it?

I think it would be better if you did Peter’s fight with the giant chicken that sold him a bad coupon.

What I really wanna do is direct.

“Who’s this?”
“How about less questions and more SHUT THE HELL UP!”


Try to include the later scene where Brian tells Chris and Meg, “I leave more personality in tightly-coiled piles on the lawn!”

“How do you get so thin?”
“It’s a diet called Put Down the Friggin Fork!”

The best part is Brian’s coked-up laugh. I wish there were a way to express it without it reading like “generic silly laugh #12”…

Darn…I think I’ll go and watch that episode anyhow :slight_smile:

I’d say it’s manic.

What’s the name of the Family Guy episode where Stewie attempts to escape home to the closing theme of the Incredible Hulk? I think he’s hitching against a live-sction backdrop of passing cars?

I don’t know the name of it, but it’s the one where Lois finds out that Peter is a great pianist when he’s drunk.

Here we go: Wasted Talent.

Thaaaaaaaaank you.