Let’s say that you have a major emotional upset – a sudden and unexpected death, betrayal by a loved one, enormous financial crisis, whatever – that leaves you desperate to talk to a friend. If you are married or in another long-term relationship, assume that your SO is not available to talk to.) Are you more likely to turn to a male or female friend for this conversation? Why?
Now reverse the idea somewhat. Assume that a friend comes to you with such an upset and wants to talk. Will you be more or less uncomfortable if the friend is of the opposite sex? Why?
Poll in a moment, but don’t let that slow you down.
I tend to deal with my problems by myself (usually in the ‘ignore it and it’ll stop hurting / deal with what you gotta do one step at a time’ way), but my closest friends are my mom and my ex-boyfriend. I’ve comforted both men and women. I don’t deal with crying well so mostly it depends on how big of a cryer they are. Not that I’m mean about it, but I’m going ‘I’m sorry’ while I think ‘for the love of flame, stop crying already. Here, have a cookie! No? Look, puppies! Just stop crying!’
I suck at these situations, from both sides. When I’m upset, I really DONT want to talk to ANYone about things until I’ve calmed down. And when other people need help, I feel useless, knowing there’s nothing I can actually do about anything. I’m female, but very much of the ‘Oh, let’s see how to fix this!’ mentality which is usually more attributed to males.
A roommate lost her mother a number of years ago, and I happened to be the only one in the house when she found out. We weren’t close at all, and of course she completely broke down; hugging didn’t really help <duh> so I just did what I should have done immediately, which was to call her husband at work and get him home ASAP. I felt really useless.
Last week I went outside to find my neighbor sobbing on the sidewalk; she’d just found out her nephew had committed suicide and was absolutely distraught. I was of more help there, but still. She’s a nurse, and I have a similar mentality, so we both almost laughed when we realized we were rationalizing things, knowing that none of that matters when dealing with someone with a serious depression.
I picked that I’d be more comfortable talking to a female friend, but that has more to do with the current state of my friendships than my general preferences. My closest friends at this time are female, so I’d go to one of them. Had I answered this poll a few years ago, I probably would have chosen a male confidant because my closest pal was a guy.
And anyone can come to me with their problems. I’m used to listening.
Silver Tyger, I think I need to carry around a picture of adorable puppies for those situations, because I feel the same way you do when an acquaintance is crying. A friend, no problem, I’m there to help, but someone who’s just a casual colleague suddenly bursting into tears? Help! Puppies, STAT!
I’m a woman and my SO is the only straight guy I am emotionally close with. With the exception of my gay BFF from high school all my close friends and confidants are women and this has always been the case.
I don’t care who confides in me- I guess a lot of people feel they can because it seems to happen a lot.
I’ve been the confidant for both genders on many occasion (too many to count actually), but for some reason I’ve never talked to anyone about my problems at all, in fact, I almost never consider my problems to even really be problems [takes a swig of Jameson :D]. Seriously though, I seem to be a crossroads for everyone else, and once someone tells me something they don’t want spread around, it dies with me, they may as well have told their cat ;). I don’t even mind it at all, most of the time I don’t think about it, I actually take their story and put it in the archives of my mind as something to avoid having happen to me, people are a treasure trove of things not to do, it’s all very educational. Just take the time to watch them, people buzz around furiously, as if they have something important to do :smack:, then next thing they know, BAM, they’re telling me their story about how this or that happened. I’m always very polite and listen to what they’re saying and try to make them feel a little better, but the whole time I’m thinking “wow, if you just took the time for once in your life to study the pond you’re about to jump in, then this sorta’ thing would never have happened”. It’s called look before you leap, of course, I like to drain the pond and have every inch combed before stepping one foot into it :D.
…and yes, this should have been public, hell, shouldn’t all threads? Half of the information gathering is useless unless you can profile the people you gathered it from :D.
I’d be comfortable being the confidant to a man, but not a woman. More comfortable would be a better response. I can be a good listener, and my own experience is that women tend to seek agreement or a judgement more than men, and I’m better at just listening than tossing in my own two cents in personal matters.
Who I’d turn to would depend on the problem I’m facing. It wouldn’t be so much a gender issue as the individual and the specific problem.
I can’t answer this poll. It would depend on the situation. Most often I deal with my emotions on my own. There are times though, when I turn to a good female friend. I really only have two friends whom I trust completely with their judgment and that would be straight with me. I could go to someone else, another friend…but I would know that I am only hearing what I want to hear. What’s the point in that? I also have a couple of really good male friends. I know that I count on them completely for good advice and support. As far as being a good listener …I am, to a fault. If I have any advice, it usually comes in writing sometime after our conversation when I have had time to think about it and reflect.
I’m more likely to turn to a woman than a man, because IME woman are more used to talking about feelings and the like, and are less likely to squirm at it than most of the guys I know. They’re not all like this, two aren’t, but I’m probably going with the first of my feelings-talkable-to friends I can grab hold of, so statistically, that’s likely to be a woman.
On the other hand, I’m not “most of the guys I know”, I’m fairly open about my feelings and so I’m cool with being a confidant for whomever.
Everyone seems to confide in me. I don’t know why; I must have one of those faces that says “I’ll listen to you”. I’m equally comfortable having anyone confide in me. The gender of a person I was confiding in wouldn’t matter to me either, though I would tend to choose a close friend if I had the option. I have all kinds of those.
Another vote for “it depends”; I’m XX and picked wouldn’t matter/either gender.
These days more of my close friends are female rather than male, so overall I’m more likely to vent first to a female friend. I do have two close friends who are male and I’d confide just about anything to them, although it’s more satisfying to vent about touchy-feely emotional stuff with women because (I know, very broad generalization) women on the whole are more likely to be into listening without offering advice, or spending hours commiserating and dissecting feelings.
I’m comfortable being confidante for someone of either gender. I have been, on a volunteer, not professional level, a counselor for years. I am more comfortable in that role than in venting about things to others; I tend to deal with more personal stuff privately.
Skald, you post the most interesting and thought-provoking questions!
ETA - Teacake, I have one of those faces too, I think.
The one specific person I’d be most likely to turn to in a situation like this happens to be male. But I think that that’s a matter of that specific person, not of gender (though it’s impossible to say for sure, of course): I’d feel much more comfortable confiding in him than in my other friends of either gender. For someone else confiding in me, I don’t think it would matter.
I’m assuming, by the way, that the specification of “friends” is meant to exclude close family members, because otherwise, it’d be my mom.
And I checked off both of the last two options, just to be contrary.
Actually it wasn’t. I have seven siblings, but only two that I consider friends. I have thirty or forty first cousins; again, only two I consider friends.
